Wednesday, December 24, 2008

FiveNakedModels in LA

Looks like I am going to be in Los Angeles the exact same time that all Five Naked Models (Isobel, Carlotta, Fedora, Samantha, and Malloy) will be in California.. Whoooo!! While this trip is surely going to suck for money making (too much competition in one area, means much less cash) - I will say..... I am super excited about some hang out time. Haven't seen Isobel since April, when she flew into Vegas and we roadtripped to Coachella. Afterwards, we holed up at her friend Josh's place in Hollywood, both sick with the flu, sharing cold medicine for days - Haven't seen Fedora since June, when I returned from my Alaskan cruise and she was running around half naked, having some kind of sexy punkrock shootout at her place - Haven't seen Sam since her and I grabbed some diner food a few months ago.... Both, Carlotta and Malloy, I do not know very well but there is always time.....

Update: It also looks like Miss Susie B will also be in town, Carly Erin, Angela Ryan, and my favorite girl in the whole world to cuddle with: Engle Schrei (I seriously love this girl) - just keeps getting better!!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Those we think of during the Holidays: Dad

Two weeks after I turned 18..... My dad tumbled down a flight of stairs, busted his head up pretty badly, fell into a coma before the medics even arrived on the scene. He was flown to a trauma unit in the state of PA, about 5 hours from where our family was living at the time.

Four sleepless days and nights in a trauma ward. Watching priests come and go, praying over my father's motionless body, wondering if all the machines Dad was hooked up to were keeping him alive or if he was powering them with body heat. My younger brother and I spent most of our time, tucked away in the backseat of my uncle's mini-van, discussing how ridiculous PA was and how Dad could just not possibly die... just could not happen... in fact, we should just go home....

So much more to this story: Sharing my hotel bed with my mother, listening to her sob throughout the night (she has always been so strong). Analyzing my relationship with my father vs losing him altogether. At 18, having that crushing feeling.... that nothing is ever really under control... ever. Anything you love.... is free to leave at any time, without your consent. I was the one who answered the stupid plastic hotel phone - Had to break the news to my mom that her husband.... my father.... was completely braindead - no brain activity at all - zero. To this day, I still believe that the nurse thought that I was Mom...

This time of year is hard for me. I always wonder where I would be in my life, if he was still part of the household... Would I have finished school? Would I have ever got a chance to travel and model the way that I have? I remember once when I was 17, my father showed up at a hot-tub party in the woods. He was so pissed I was wearing nothing but a bikini, he pulled me out of the tub by the hair.... I wonder if my younger brother would have kept playing soccer, if Mom would have bought the porch swing she wanted, if dad's best friend would not have drank himself to death..... I wonder if things would have been better or if they would have been worse? Or maybe everything is just relative in the end? I really do not know - All I do know is that Christmas was Dad's favorite holiday.... and like many of you, I miss family that cannot be around this time of year....

Creeps me out when people mention that loved ones 'are always with you' or that 'they are watching you from another place'.... I enjoy solid things. I enjoy that my father was a Donor..... Disconnected from life support, his organs were donated to people all over the US. He gave life through death. Dad's heart went to a 40-year old man in Hersey PA with three young children, who used to write us from time to time. It is amazing to know that somewhere out there, a man who would have died of congestive heart failure, is spending Christmas with people who love him - All because someone gave the most unselfish gift possible...

Monday, December 15, 2008

Kicked out of Goodwill?

Few days ago I found myself trekking the back roads of Cleveland, exploring new routes to my apartment - Had just finished up with a two hour cardio session at my gym (a gym which seems to support the idea that everyone needs to discover Bikram yoga while running on treadmills). Did not have time to change out of my sweaty workout clothes since there were just too many naked chics hanging around the locker room that day - And yes, I know that seems strange since my job is a naked job - but around civilians, I do become quite self-conscious. So here I was driving back home in my sweaty workout gear.... and lo and behold! A Goodwill! (Oh how I love second-hand stores!)

You know why I love them? First off, I feel like I am not exploiting small children who have to sew clothing for pennies. Someone else bought the shirt, they tossed the shirt, and then I came along and found another use for it. Second, everything is so friggin cheap! I mean, $4.50 for a pair of patent-leather Nine West heels, tags still attached? Are you kidding me? I can buy five shirts for less than $10? Oooh and finally - I just love the hunt! - I have found most of my vintage hats and clothing at second-hand shops. Almost all my modeling stuff: Dresses, slips, sunglasses, wigs, scarfs, shoes, all my weird items came from second hand shops.... Undies and bathing suits I tend to avoid... but everything else is game....

Since moving here, I have been starved of all these wonderful second-hand stores.... The Thrifty, The Salvation Army, Value Village, Goodwill, ect... all seem to be placed in the poverty stricken areas of Cleveland. I know that makes sense since several of the stores were founded to help the homeless and to give back to their community - yet I am used to Syracuse where all these stores are found in the middle and all kinds of people shop in them....

So I was driving back home from the gym and lo and behold! A Goodwill in a non-sketchy part of town! Whoo! So I pulled over, got out, and then realized that I was wearing nothing but a tiny white t-shirt, black spandex pants, and a pair of black stiletto boots from my backseat. But you know what? I did not care. I was all excited about shopping!!! So I walked in, started going through bins and tearing through racks, doing my thing, must have looked like a confused hooker trying to find some clothes to wear. It was about then that I realized that all the Goodwill workers were all cute black guys..... and all of them were staring at my ass. Ha. And mean, like staring.... and discussing... and staring... I felt like I was in one of those hidden camera shows or something. I mean, yes my ass is big and yes, it is super shiny in spandex, but this was just ridiculous..... I attempted to just keep shopping... but then felt this tap on my shoulder.... And when I turned around there was this lady-manager, arms crossed, looking like a mom and goes, "Girrrrl, I think you better come back here when you can find some more suitable clothing.... Can't have you up in here cause all my workers have stopped their workin..." And I was like, "You mean, you are kicking me out?" and she said, "Yep - nothin personal, just cannot have you walkin around dressed like that...."

Haha.... And so it goes - I was kicked out of Goodwill. Guess Goodwill's goodwill only stretches so far, eh?

(and yes, I know that Little Kitty has nothing to do with Goodwill or Spandex... but I miss him. Going back to Syracuse on the 22nd.... ! Whoo!)

Monday, December 8, 2008

Dallas/Puppies/Jade Vixen

First off, Dallas is completely lovely - As usual, Dave is friggin awesome. Has this crazy habit of shooting several girls all in the same day..... Not sure if he enjoys the company or if he just loves the commotion in the hotel rooms (girls running around throwing clothes around, tackling eachother for makeup, giggling about boys....) There is always a minimum of three women booked to shoot for the day (Today: Mallory, Jackie, and myself - Tomorrow Jackie, Wynona, myself, and perhaps a surprise guest? Never know). All hanging out, chit-chatting - trying not to gossip too much. I have met more models hanging out with Dave - than I ever met while I was traveling across the US ....

Oooh - Last night, Dave bought Mallory a new puppy! Isn't that exciting!? There was this big story about how he blamed himself for the loss of her and her boyfriend's last dog...... soooo last night... he did all this super-secret stuff and bought them a new puppy! Should have been there. Dave called us while Mal and I were out running errands.... He told us Santa was coming to visit - and her and I kept looking at eachother, praying that when we got back, Dave would not be all dressed up in some crazy Santa Clause outfit.... Weren't we surprised when we returned to the hotel -and there was this pure-white, adorable, huggable eight week old boxer puppy running around our room, playing with her boyfriend, bouncing off walls..... Since the puppy was a girl, Dave, of course, bought all this matching hot-pink puppy gear to go with it. Ha. This beautiful girly puppy with her blindingly pink collar.... still does not have a name, but I believe they are leaning towards the name Lily.... awww. Lily-puppy.

On a completely different note, and believe me when I say that I highly dislike switching to a subject as disheartening as this - but it must be mentioned: Miss Jade Vixen, a model/dominatrix out of Philly was recently held up at gunpoint by some insane ex-boyfriend/fan thing. Forced to watch her boyfriend die, she was then abducted, molested, and was left to plead for her life - Ugh. Hearing things like this makes me sick. You need to understand that the Internet modeling community is a very tight community... where everyone knows everyone's business. Creeps are weeded out of the system eventually.....Obviously the fact that she Dommed is a large variable in the story, but she was also a very respected model in both the fetish and the art community... This situation hits a little too close to home. Like many models in the industry, I only know her by name and her work - yet it would mean a lot if you could send this girl some good thoughts through the wires. Cannot even imagine what she is going through.

Pics: Mallory on top, Jackie in the middle, New Puppy in middle, Jade Vixen on bottom

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Houston - Messygirl

For the first time in a very long time - I feel unsettled about traveling. It is odd, this feeling - Worrying about things that never bothered me before. Keep thinking that if I stay away from Ohio too long... My life in Cleveland will fall apart. That the dog won't be there or my side of the bed won't be there or that Pat will wander away or that his feelings will have changed for me - or worse, we will have that weird traveling-relationship that is not a real relationship - but a relationship on a schedule. I really do not want to go back to that... Mentioned to him tonight that if I worry too much, I am going to give myself that weird wrinkle in the middle of my forehead - the wrinkle that looks like a butt.... He says I am already a butthead - I washed my face in the shower with his butt-washcloth the other day.... ohhh ewww.... Really! Someone should label those things!

Houston is nice as usual. Weather in the 70s. Spent the last two hours hanging out with Darrell in the hottub.... jumping back and forth from the cold pool to the heated pool, singing songs underwater, making him guess what they were.... He says he could have guess Green Acres, but with all the water I kept choking on - was too difficult.

Been working with Darrell, since forever.... Houston was the very first city that I ever flew to - on a ticket - booked by someone else - specifically for modeling....

Ha. Well no. Not modeling.
I do not think that I would ever
consider Messygirl a modeling-job....
It is a messy job....

....It is a lot of fun, and I enjoy it more than any of my other fetish work. Obviously if you are not into women being completely covered in sugary-slush, it would not be your thing.... But you should have respect for it. I mean, my normal day consists of: Wake up at 10am to pie crust being baked, by 11am there is a table full of cool whipped pies, by noon I am usually covered and running around as a pie monster trying to fling coolwhip at Darrell, by 1pm I am showered, clean, and my hair smells like chocolate cake batter... I spend the rest of my day hanging out around the pool, reading books or working with friends and site-seeing. It is hardly a life to complain about (if I do ever get a butt in my forehead from worrying, you can tell me I am a total-lame-o..)

Got hooked up with Messygirl in 2005, because a photographer in NY shot some really cute, girly photos of me eating jelly donuts and getting all messy with them (photos are attached to this blog). Both the photographer and myself shot the photos for free... so I asked for equal rights. He said Yes. I asked him if I could locate an outlet to sell the images to - could I? He said Yes. So I sold them to Messygirl. Darrell and Leah thought I would be a good addition to the site. They flew me down here - and I have been flying down here, twice a year - ever since. It is nice, because we have history and I feel a bit like family now.....

Here till Friday, then visiting Dave in Dallas for awhile. Dave is another one of the photographers that I work with - whom I feel is more like family and less like work.

Back home (...refering to Cleveland as home from now on) December 9th, 5:30pm. - Whoot!

Friday, November 21, 2008

"I read this and thought of your travels...." - Tom

“There’s nothing to life but the living of it…hold still man, regain your love of life and go down from this mountain and simply be-be-be the infinite fertilities of the one mind of infinity. make no comments, complaints, criticisms, appraisials, avowals, sayings, shooting stars of thought, just flow, flow, be you all, be your what it is, it is only what it always is…so shut up, live, travel, adventure, bless and don’t be sorry.” - Jack Kerouac

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Happiness in the C L E

It was incredibly hard packing up my car to drive out here to Cleveland - half the problem being that Matt had stayed over the night before. Dressed in his nearly-new blazer, he spent most of the morning dragging ass because he did not want me to leave town. You throw Matt, my tired second-guessing brain into a blender... and the piles of my life sitting in the livingroom - and it... well.... actually it all sounds a little morbid to me now....

My head kept tap-dancing to Austin, "Go to Austin *clickity click*Austin."

My heart kept telling me to give Cleveland a chance.... even, if only a small one...

While Cleveland itself is not much to look at.... the city is not nearly as bad as I expected it to be. Pat works for a local concert venue so there is always live music and good times to be found.... There is a fancy place up the road that does a dollar burger night, a really delicious hooka bar, and a cinema that serves beer and shows foreign films all at the same time - whoo! Because of this fact, I decided it was in my best interest to join a gym (yay!). I love the gym - so many sexy scantily clad men and women, getting all sweaty, and worked-up... ha

Our apartment consists of Patrick, his friend Geoff from college, Geoff's friend Laura, and myself .... oh, and a very mutty dog named Jake - who everyone thought was male but actually turned out to be female... regardless of the mix up, Jake decided to keep her name anyways.

Still looking for a bartending job - once I have one - I shall shout it from the top of mountains for all to know - Stop emailing me about it. It will happen when it does.

Oh I almost forgot to mention that The Decemberists were phenomenally dashing last week.... wish you had been there. There was this crazy Asian guy that was spitting gum and smoking cigarettes, and there was this brave little girl who stood up to him .. oooh and I got to touch Colin's arm when he nearly collapsed on lady's head in front of me. Ha, Decemberists - oh how I love.

Photos from NYC with Kimberly Marvel - She is coming to visit me in Cleveland in a few weeks.... whoot!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

How to: Pick up a Girl

Received a message on myspace the other day from a guy who was hoping I could give him some advice on how to pick up a girl.... I am not sure if I can really help with that... but here is a scenario that worked on me.... : )

Find a girl you like... get up the balls to go talk to her (that is the hardest part). Then try to pproach her without expectations. It is much easier to have a conversation ...if you are not worrying about the outcome (ie. getting laid, bringing her home, having her babies... whatever...) Never ever ever ever compliment a girl on her looks - Ever. You can compliment her on her clothes, accessories, her shoes, anything she is wearing - She has control over her style but not her genes..... Ask her questions, let her talk, be interested. If you spend the whole time talking at her, she most likely will not feel a connection with you, which is what you are looking for - so try to keep the conversation in her court. After about ten minutes, tell her that you have some place you need to be or that you have friends that are waiting on you or something .... and leave. At this point the girl will probably be really confused.... Were you not into her? Is something wrong? After a minute or two... go back, tell her that enjoyed talking to her. "Can I get your email address?" Now an email address is not threatening. She can ignore emails, she can read them. She will most likely say, "Sure." While she is writing down her email, ask her to put her number down as well.... she is already saying Yes in her head, she will most likely write down her number without second guessing it.... and there you go...

Saturday, November 8, 2008

JitterBug Perfume

Anyone on here ever read Tom Robbins? Picked up Jitterbug Perfume at a Garage Sale last year, I have become a hopeless slave to Tom's writing ever since. Enjoyed Jitterbug Perfume so much - I gifted the book to Matt - informed him that he would probably like it ... the book goes off on little universal tangents now and then (also covers lots of sex with goats, you never know what Tom will write next). Matthew read it, loved it, became a little bit obsessed with the symbol of the Beet that is scattered throughout the book. Remember that creepy red pickled veggie that your parents probably tried to make you eat when you were six - yea, that one..... Anyways, Matt bought a bunch of beets and has been cooking them, eating them, drinking their juices, and smushing them all over his face to rejuvenate his skin for the past week..... hahaha..... I took a picture.

This week has been a bit of a blur - Been busy trying to see everyone, trying not to spend tons money on stupid things (which is my ultimate favorite thing to do - a girl cannot have enough funny looking necklaces made from yarn). My friend AJ took me to a Japanese Tea House in Syracuse.... one of those places where you take your shoes off and drink tea while sitting on little mats. I made him eat seaweed and rice balls, he choked it down and smiled.....wish I had known about that place earlier.... I would have spent a lot of time there.

Quick writings: I rescued a chipmunk from my basement and set it free into the wilderness of CNY. Sweet potatoes with brown sugar are to die for! Obama won! Yay! - Decemberists play in Ithaca tomorrow - whoooo! Found a canoe but I cannot figure out where to get paddles for it... can you rent them? My cat got in a cat fight a few days ago and now I have to feed him antibiotics and it is very difficult to get a cat to eat pills that are not made of Tuna-guts. New music on my computer makes me happy. Whoever made the CDs that are colored, with itty bitty boy-handwriting - you musical taste is great. Matt likes your Soul song and I just like that you admit to listening to Paris Hilton.

How about some of them Tom Robbins quotes, eh?

“Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef”

When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

You should never hesitate to trade your cow for a handful of magic beans."

"My personal motto has always been: Joy in spite of everything. Not just (mindless) Joy but Joy in spite of everything. Recognizing the inequities and the suffering and the corruption and all that but refusing to let it rain on my parade. And I advocate this to other people.

“There's always the same amount of good luck and bad luck in the world. If one person doesn't get the bad luck, somebody else will have to get it in their place. There's always the same amount of good and evil, too. We can't eradicate evil, we can only evict it, force it to move across town. And when evil moves, some good always goes with it. But we can never alter the ratio of good to evil. All we can do is keep things stirred up so neither good nor evil solidifies. That's when things get scary. Life is like a stew, you have to stir it frequently, or all the scum rises to the top.”

“If little else, the brain is an educational toy.”

"It's never too late to have a happy childhood."

"If you believe in peace, act peacefully; if you believe in love, acting lovingly; if you believe every which way, then act every which way, that's perfectly valid— but don't go out trying to sell your beliefs to the system. You end up contradicting what you profess to believe in, and you set a bum example. If you want to change the world, change yourself."

"Rap music sounds like somebody feeding a rhyming dictionary to a popcorn popper."

"Nature isn’t stable. Life isn’t stable. Stability is unnatural. The only stable society is the police state. You can have a free society or a stable society. You can’t have both. Take your choice.

"Human beings were invented by water as a device for transporting itself from one place to another."

"You do not have to be a genius to recognize one. If you did, Einstein never would have gotten invited to the White House."

"In the Seven Dwarfs, only Dopey had a shaven face. This should tell us something about the custom of shaving."

"As a child, I was an imaginary playmate."

"Reality is subjective, and there’s an unenlightened tendency in this culture to regard something as ‘important’ only if it’s sober and severe. Your Cheerful Dumb are not so much happy as lobotomized. But your Gloomy Smart are just as ridiculous. When you’re unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. And you get to take yourself oh so very seriously. Your Truly Happy people, which is to say, your people who truly LIKE themselves, they don’t think about themselves very much. Your unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwelling on himself and start paying attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence."

"There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better."

"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love."

"If God had a bumper sticker, it would probably read SHINE: DONT WHINE."

"Beets. The beet is the most intense of vegetables. The radish, admittedly, is the more feverish, but the fire of the radish is a cold fire, the fire of discontent not passion. Tomatoes are lusty enough, yet there runs through tomatoes an undercurrent of frivolity. Beets are deadly serious."

I <3 Tom Robbins

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Bible Coloring Books

I can cook! I know this ..... because sometimes, Matt and I cook together..... and sometimes if/when I follow the recipes correctly, my stuff turns out to be blindsidingly delicious (go me!). And other times, when having a slightly rebellious evening... I turn the cooking over to Matthew - because neither him nor I want to deal with scraping burnt pasta from the bottom of a pan, pretending it tastes like Momma's home cooking...

Tonight, in attempt to assist Matthew in his dinner-makin' - I located my old handy-dandy...Bible Coloring Book! Found it a few days ago....bought it on a whim last year while hitting up the local Dollar General... Who in their right mind would want to color an Ox drowning to death in a flood? Or the photo of Cain killing Abel? "Pass the red crayon, please. *ahem* The blood red crayon please?... Thank you." Personally I enjoy the slang they use to dumb the book down for the kids.... "God grumbled at the Hebrews...." I love that line. "God grumbled.....:

Last night Jeff's little venue coffee-house had a music show for Miss Emily Wells who was doing a musical tour from West Coast-East Coast-West Coast. Nothing like seeing a really cute lesbian, jam on a ukulele, on a Thursday night, covering Notorious BIG - with a bunch of great friends.

Other day I hung out with PD, who is the second person that I have ever met who came strictly from reading this blog..... was really a lot of fun. Since you are only an hour away, next time I make it back to the Cuse... we should go play laser tag or something.... can never have enough people around to play laser tag with. Remember: Coconut soup is yummy, if you have to ask where someone's belly button is - you probably need to rethink the situation, and we totally have a rematch for a game of checkers....

I like friends... and I like when everyone goes Cheers and then you all clink glasses together. Matt and I realized, that when Jeff Katie Matt and I were all out the other night, we forgot to Cheers to Doctor Phil for being Satan. So! I shall do it here on my blog! "Here here for Dr Phil - aka Satan!" *clink clink*

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween..

How you like them pumpkins....? : )

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I's gots no internet this week...

Writing this from my Grandmother's house... either the weather in Central NY is affecting my Internet connection or the Cranberry juice I accidentally dumped all over my computer last week fried something important in my hardrive. Either way... there is no Internet - no way, no how....

Wish I had something exciting to tell you about.... but when life is slow.....stories are slow. Hanging out with friends this week - trying to see everyone before I leave town. Still doing the bartending classes. Graduate Thursday night. I really enjoy making drinks.. if only I can remember the difference between a BayBreeze and SeaBreeze, life should be good. Going to hang out in the 'Cuse, given the weather and the concert, until November 10th.... and then I am getting the hell out of here..... I mean, it snowed last night. It snowed in late-October.....

Trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Pretty much, no matter what I do, I keep returning to the same three options over and over again - Cleveland (which I am leaning towards because it is full of love, warmth - yet snow, sleet, hail, ice, no mustang, buses, big coats, runny noses, living in a basement), Austin (warm weather, mustang, flipflops, new people, outdoor bars to bartend... but lonely, on my own, starting over, may never see Pat, not sure if he would follow me), or Myrtle Beach with Matt (have to wait in Syracuse till after Christmas, snowsnowsnow in Syracuse, beach, mustang, free condo for six months, but temporary...) What to do? What to do? What to do? I feel like I should just pick something totally off my roster...

The other day, Tracy told me that I am afraid of commitment. Personally, I do not believe that is true (yet here I am, dwelling on the idea... ) I don't know. Do you think I am afraid of commitment? I feel like my problem is less of a commitment thing... and more like a fear of living a life that is monotonous, where I know what will happen every day - what they will say - what they will do. Relationships become monotonous...... I also know that when I am in a relationship, I have a habit of forgetting everything that is important to me outside of said-relationship... including dreams, people, life, friends, freetime... everything goes on hold. I do it often and it makes me sad. It is hard to keep both a relationship with someone you love in one hand and then everything that you have aspired to do in the other.. especially when it involves traveling and moving around - I guess in the perfect world, you would be able to combine the two but like most circumstances, including mine.... That is just not possible.

What am I going to do if I move to Cleveland? Buy a sunlamp?

I feel like getting rid of the blog because I feel like I am letting people down - so many depressing emails in my inbox today.... Guess I should get going, need to go pick Matt up before heading off to class. Hope you are all doing well.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Keeper of the Car-Keys

Oh barf. So I was casually cavorting around town in the mustang the other day.... on my way back home to Mom's place in the woods... somehow got pulled over by this cop who was rather stuffy looking. "License and registration, Miss?"... Scribble scribble scribble. "Know why I pulled you over?" I shake my head, "No sir, I do not." "You were doing 84 in a 65..." Scribble scribble scribble. And then he leans over my windshield and goes, "Awww Miss, please do NOT tell me that THAT is your inspection sticker...." He pulled down his glasses and made this scrunched up look - like he was crapping in his pants.... "Please tell me that THAT is not your inspection sticker! It is from 2006!!! "

And so it goes....Finally dropped my car off for the NY State inspection.

And of course, they called me a few hours ago asking for the ransom that

shall have to relinquish in order to break my little car out of their car-prison....

.....$885 worth of repairs and three days without my car. *ka-pow* Take that!

Went for a long walk last night and it felt like I was the only person alive. It was so quiet, like someone just pressed the pause button the TV and yet I could still walk through the image - touching things, kicking dead leaves.... Sometimes I feel old... I feel young - all at once. Like a ghost.... In fact, sometimes I feel more like a ghost than a person, but that heartbeat in my ears starts fluttering - reminding me that I must be alive - at least a little bit. Strolled by my old place. Took my shoes off and walked around on my old lawn, I would have worried about the people inside the house, but everything was on Pause anyways, so it did not bother me much. Kept thinking about all the dead animals buried in that old backyard, mostly gerbils and small mice. Used to be desperately afraid that my pets would come back as zombie rodents and try to get back into the house through the wall under my bed. I probably thought that because I watched Pet Cemetery too often when my mom was not home...

Sunday, October 19, 2008


I love words. This morning, after re-reading a few of my previous posts, I decided that I need to work on broadening my vocabulary away from "awesome," "lovely," and "wonderful." Also, due to recent events of cussing in front of small children, I need learn to censor myself in front of certian audiences, perhaps veer away from cussing completely?... *Fucking hell, every fucking thing that is fucking fun dies like a slut-motherfuckin-bitch cunt ass hoe lickin whore!*.... Perhaps search for some new compelling new rhetoric wrap around my vocal cords.. words like, "factitious" or "unbeknownst" or perhaps "erroneous zonas"...

Since I am no longer spending three hours a day on MM,
I have made a New Years Resolution (I start my New Years when I damn well choose, mother fucker....) to browse my Thesaurus for at least 30 minutes a day... Lets hope that in the next few months, I can do you better than, "awesome" or "wonderful," eh?

While I was in Cleveland last week, I wrote this great long blog entry about all the things happening out there.... my feelings..... personal stuff like that. About six paragraphs in... my computer crashed, unleashing my delightful thoughts to wander the computer netherworld.... Guess what you need to know is that I fucking miss my boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, Patrick-friend that is oh-so-kissable... I miss him. I miss his fuzzy face. I miss the way that we fit into bed together... I miss stupid things like how he reads his comics that I cannot figure out why they are funny but he laughs like they were created to make you piss yourself. And all our personal jokes that no one outside us would understand. And how he has these huge arms that can wrap around me almost twice.... How he fills this emotional void with invisible arms that can wrap around that void.... like twice.... He is one of my best friends, regardless as to what happened.... I miss him so much when he is not around. So that leaves me with a conundrum... Persue life in Cleveland for the winter, wrapped up with Patrick - or move down to Austin to start a new life and hope he follows sometime?

I just do not know. I want both Austin and Patrick - together... rolled up like one of those yummy pigs-in-a-blanket thingies... mmm. But it is either a hotdog or a croissant... and neither is all that good without the other... you know? Oh god, what am I talking about? I promise I will not turn this into some kind of gushing girly-blog... or a recipe book.....

Managed to get some things done this week - like tomorrow I will be starting bartending classes here in Syracuse.... 5-10:30pm, four days a week, Monday-Thursday. 90 percent hands on training, 10 percent book-work.... all made possible by NYS Educational Department. Planning on starting a DeviantArt page to cope with the loss of my ModelMayhem site.... While I do not need to model, I do need art in my life...

(PD! Hey! I got your package.... it was incredibly witty and thoughtful of you. : ) As long as you promise not to kidnap me or maim me or steal your shirt back... I would love to hang out sometime while I am in town.... lets count on it.... hate numbers, toss me your email, I wont post it... whoo!)

Photo Credit: AntarH. One is edited, the others are just fun. Wardrobe: GirdleBound

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Oct 10th - The Day I Ran from Modeling

... I just woke up yesterday, and could not imagine another day of running around NYC city, climbing subway stairs with 90 lbs of wardrobe and computer stuff strapped to my back, trying to figure out transit to and from work, and where to sleep that evening. Just could not do it. So instead of doing all that - I, irresponsibly (with a giant smile plastered from ear to ear) took a trip to Penn Station, called Model T, asked if it would be cool if I showed up a week earlier than planned - She got all giddy over the phone.... Arrived in Pottstown PA about twenty-four hours ago. Model T and I spent the evening together, eating homemade cookies and watching her sister (who is going for her Master's in composing - she is 30 something) put on this great piano recital in the basement of some shifty-ladies basement...

Gave T half my wardrobe this morning - some shoes.....
Canceled my ModelMayhem account a few hours ago.
That is some serious decision making.....
I am unsure what I am doing - but I think I am making the
right decisions... they feel right, at least....
I want to leave modeling - and I want to do it now....

Figure it will not be forever - I love my job when I love it. I just do not love it right now. Does that make sense? Feel like I have lost a lot of myself.... sometimes I do not respond to my real name anymore. When I talk to my grandparents I have to ask myself, "What would their Granddaughter say..." "What would she do?..." And a person should not have to think about things like that.... I am not London, London is a character that I created in order to travel around the US - with hopes of someday making it out to London. Particularly, the past few months have really been hard on me..... Instead of enjoying my work, I have felt forced into it...... I want to love my job again and I want to love the photography - but right now, I do not.... it is just that simple.

So I guess that is that.... full time modeling is now officially over with

If I can get my head straight again - I am hoping that I can
break back into fulltime modeling sometime next summer.... take it more seriously
- maybe get an agent or something... try for commercial jobs....?
I think I would do well with some kind of ad campaign....
Definitely try to make my Europe trip happen... I am set on that.
Even if I only manage a little part of Europe, I will be happy....

In the meantime, wish me luck with whatever hell comes next....
... because I sure as hell do not know......
Today I head to Cleveland, I want to go home for Halloween...
.. and then I am dead-set on a roomate and an apartment in Austin....

Thursday, October 2, 2008

RailRoad Lines

Staying at Model T's place (photo on right) in Pottstown PA was very pleasant. While sadly, she spent most of her time working her 40-hour.... I, in turn, spent most of my time hanging out with her son, Patrick. Patrick has a culinary arts degree, is just about my age, works as a line chef at a local restaurant called the Icehouse... Something about him reminds me of my friend Jason back home.... it is all around the eyes....

Patrick and I did sushi at this great hole-in-the-wall place and he explained to me just how they fry-icecream (for those of you who guessed frozen icecream and cornflakes, congrats!)... hung out with a 6-pack each later that night, talking about how much it sucks being lonely... cause it really... does...suck...being lonely. We traded stories for awhile. His story followed something along the line of "Meet girl of dreams, fall deeply in love, find out she is married a month later..." Him and I both agree that married people are untouchable. They bring un-to you - bad karma in all other relationships......

Days later - left my car in PA, jumped the train to NYC - two backpacks, a laptop, a schedule, and some hope that things will just magically fall into place. Not gonna lie, I was definitely worried for awhile - Not only was I stuck at the train station in Hicksville for four hours, nibbling on cold pizza, watching it downpour outside - wishing, that for just a minute or two, that I could have my car back... But I had two major cancellations, no place lined up to sleep all weekend, a battery-dead laptop, an empty ipod. I sat there.... swinging my feet for a few hours.... waiting for Kim's shoot to end, trying to strike up conversation with strangers who would have no part in conversing..... It actually got to the point where I began contemplating whether or not it would be worth just getting back on the train and heading home.... sometimes, things just do not feel right....

But it has since worked out pretty nicely.

Kim did pick me up after her shoot - and we have been having a good time out in Long Island... I love working with another model because shoots stay on track, everything goes by faster..... Oooh and as for a place to crash, as I was getting off the subway train tonight.... It just hit me!!!!! I do fucking know someone in the city! My friend Fritz moved out here last month!!! While we do not talk all that often, he is a really good friend of mine - not sure if you have friends like that. Friends where you do not need to talk to them every month but you will be friends for life, just because you are. Not sure how to describe our relationship - he is someone I love, someone that I am horribly attracted to, someone I have great chemistry with. But is also someone that I could never-in-my-life date - we both laugh about it all the time.... He demands too much, I am too free willed - you do not know how impossible we are. Regardless of all that, though.... He is exactly the type of guy where I could call him any hour of the night (which I did).... and tell him that I am in the city, minutes away, and need a place to crash (which I did).... and be sitting on his couch, shooting the shit, an hour later (which I am)... - And it is simply nice. That is what it is.

Tomorrow is Brian Diaz's place: a photographer, friend, a moderator on MM (ooooh, the man and the myth....) Shoots start at 8am, so I need to get crashing... like right about three hours ago... : )

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Monday, September 29, 2008

Victor is the Shiz-izzle

Genuinely elated.... Not only has my body been Doctored-Up - but my mustang has been Doctored-Up as well.... Victor put my car back together - New rotors, new brakes, a little bit of air in the tires. No longer drives like a boat but more like a rockstar - a total rockstar. If it came down to it - I would just explain to you that my car is kind of like an extension of myself...... When my car feels bad, I also feel bad. When my car is having a good day, I also have a good day. If I wanted to visualize perfect-content happiness: It would consist of myself... driving across Utah, with this endless sky above my head, clean air for miles, rain off in the distance, no other cars on the road - in my mustang - top down - really good music.. If my car could visualize happiness - I would hope it would choose that memory too.

Victor's family is the bomb-diggity. He married this hot super-mom who can make a pie, juggle two kids, and stand on one foot and sing all at the same time - She could do anything. And his kids are awfully cute (You'll never catch me saying that again... ha...) It was a really nice break, hanging out at his place.... Next time, I visit - I am bringing Matthew and we are going to camp in Victor's giant backyard... yup yup

This evening, I will be staying with Model T in Pottstown, PA. She is *also* the Shiz-izzle.... a retro-bombshell tucked away in the depths of the state of Pennsylvania. Only spending a night or two out there, grabbing a ride to the train station, and off to NYC I shall go. This is going a very strange trip for me. I love NYC.... and while I am incredibly thankful that Matt is still currently in Syracuse - I cannot remember a time where he was not in NYC. He was around even before I started modeling..... I would pick him up and we would do dinner, or bubble-tea, or Central Park. We would have little mini-adventures - ferries to Staten Island, nights by the river, concerts in the park, long walks absolutely nowhere.... and then of course, there's Patrick. He was always my main reason for visiting NY. But he left me and is gone as well, somewhere off in Cleveland. Point is: That this will be my first trip to the city - specifically for work and nothing else. Have no real place to stay - a few nights at a hotel here, a motel there, maybe a friend of a friend's place.... it is all kind of sad, I guess. I do not know how I will adjust to that.....

Traveling with Kimberly Marvel for a few days while in NYC. That should be fun.