Saturday, October 11, 2008

Oct 10th - The Day I Ran from Modeling

... I just woke up yesterday, and could not imagine another day of running around NYC city, climbing subway stairs with 90 lbs of wardrobe and computer stuff strapped to my back, trying to figure out transit to and from work, and where to sleep that evening. Just could not do it. So instead of doing all that - I, irresponsibly (with a giant smile plastered from ear to ear) took a trip to Penn Station, called Model T, asked if it would be cool if I showed up a week earlier than planned - She got all giddy over the phone.... Arrived in Pottstown PA about twenty-four hours ago. Model T and I spent the evening together, eating homemade cookies and watching her sister (who is going for her Master's in composing - she is 30 something) put on this great piano recital in the basement of some shifty-ladies basement...

Gave T half my wardrobe this morning - some shoes.....
Canceled my ModelMayhem account a few hours ago.
That is some serious decision making.....
I am unsure what I am doing - but I think I am making the
right decisions... they feel right, at least....
I want to leave modeling - and I want to do it now....

Figure it will not be forever - I love my job when I love it. I just do not love it right now. Does that make sense? Feel like I have lost a lot of myself.... sometimes I do not respond to my real name anymore. When I talk to my grandparents I have to ask myself, "What would their Granddaughter say..." "What would she do?..." And a person should not have to think about things like that.... I am not London, London is a character that I created in order to travel around the US - with hopes of someday making it out to London. Particularly, the past few months have really been hard on me..... Instead of enjoying my work, I have felt forced into it...... I want to love my job again and I want to love the photography - but right now, I do not.... it is just that simple.

So I guess that is that.... full time modeling is now officially over with


If I can get my head straight again - I am hoping that I can
break back into fulltime modeling sometime next summer.... take it more seriously
- maybe get an agent or something... try for commercial jobs....?
I think I would do well with some kind of ad campaign....
Definitely try to make my Europe trip happen... I am set on that.
Even if I only manage a little part of Europe, I will be happy....

In the meantime, wish me luck with whatever hell comes next....
... because I sure as hell do not know......
Today I head to Cleveland, I want to go home for Halloween...
.. and then I am dead-set on a roomate and an apartment in Austin....

30 comments:

timothy said...

...if it feels right it *is* right - duh!

...we'll all still be here if you ever return to it...

:-*

SFMoe said...

I hope the best for you, and when you make it to Austin, enjoy that great city... everyone I've talked to just loves it.

Europe will happen

Topless New York said...

Sorry you won't be around for the picnic tomorrow, but it's important to follow your instincts when you're not feeling right. Be well, and I'm sure our paths will cross again!

Paul said...

I just when to Model Mayhem to see your portfolio and it was no more.... *sniff.*

You will be missed.

Paul
http://www.modelmayhem.com/seventhwheel


p.s. Keep me posted about the comeback.

Lex Luethor said...

I can, sadly, relate to both the job "rut" and losing one's self to an alter ego. Best of luck! Boredom is a hard thing to shake...

forestviking said...

Jess,

C O N G R A T S to YOU!

Bearing this thought so long with You, You finally drew the line!
Every end is a chance for a new beginning!

WOW!
This decision looks awfully right.
Yes, it does make sense that You don't love it just now.
What is the "lost lot of Yourself"?
You never really said, what was actually stopping Your joy in Your work?
Some goals "reached"?
Pressed by sth to go on without wanting?
By what?
Tired and in a "routine" without You burning for the shoot, ( as You did the times before)
Frustrated and not finding sth. You were looking for and now giving up?

Not sure which advantage an agent would bring, me working in another branch...

Don't worry about the future just now, it's too far ahead.

I'd rather wish You lots of luck to whatever HEAVEN comes next ;-) ! Seems more probable to me.....
The entire Universe is already working to get Your trip to Europe working...

Room-mate...Austin....apartment...very good starting points.

All the best to You, the Universe is with You and all others are too!
Speak up if You need anything, mental support.....

PD said...

Well, if work is not enjoyble anymore, then a step back sounds like the right idea. You will know when its time to get back in. Your head is on straight, you are just looking in a different direction. Use the time on what YOU want to do. Plan, prepare, dream, do, be, whatever. Things work out.... You know this better than anybody. Good luck & be careful in Cleveland. Whatever you are looking for, I hope you find it.

Aaron Riveroll said...

You can't say this about too many people...but I'm not gonna lie, even in our brief encounter, I think my life is a little better because I know you...and I thank this whole photography/modeling thing for bringing you and your adventurous spirit into my life. You are one in a million and I just wanted you to know that.

I think whatever your discover about yourself in the near and distant future will be amazing and I hope that whatever you do will bring you true joy and happiness. I wish you all the best...just don't forget about me! ;)

A-Dog.

tj said...

A better part of ones life consists of their friendships, and it appears ye have made lots of friends and acuantences along yer path..
So when ye get back to modeling, and thinking its fun again im sure they all will be there for ye, good luck on yer new journey in life..
Live it..

tj said...

A better part of ones life consists of their friendships, and it appears ye have made lots of friends and acuantences along yer path..
So when ye get back to modeling, and thinking its fun again im sure they all will be there for ye, good luck on yer new journey in life..
Live it..

Kev said...

The funny thing about changes is that they always seem inevitable in retrospect. And you wonder why you went through all the stomach butterflies and second guesses.

I've read read enough of your writings to know that a camera is in your future regardless of what side you may end up on it. You have too much creative energy to let it stay bottled up.

And I'm not gonna wish you luck, because you don't need it. Safe travels, Jess, and let us know where you wind up. I still want that free drink.

gibsonvt said...

Go Jess Go! Way to take a breath and Jump. Good on you girl. We all LOVE you very much, if you need anything from us here just ask. Guard well your heart. The fire for modeling will return. It is time for YOU now. You are family and are always welcome. Stay in touch. Have fun and be safe. Happiness, positive thoughts, and Hugs to you.

Kita St. Cyr said...

Good for you girlie. Personally, I CANNOT imagine doing more than one shoot per day, and having to travel around with all of that stuff, and still even I reach the end of my modeling fuse sometimes. Time off is good for the soul, and so is change :)

retphoto said...

We're goimg to Miss you....best of luck in ALL you do....

jacks said...

we worked together once, with gary mitchell. just wanted to say that i hope you find yourself again... i know the feeling, and i respect where you are right now. i havent gotten back into it yet, either, and its been a year for me.... good for you for listening to yourself and doing what you need to do. takes guts. best of luck!

: ) jackie

Anonymous said...

We are all creatures of change and change is definitely the one constant that affects us all in life. If you're not happy with your current situation, you're not being true to yourself and therefore wasting your time and that of those you deal with. Your conscience is speaking to you and I'm glad you're listening to it. Best of luck with whatever new path you choose--so long as you're fulfilled and feel spiritually refreshed. You're such a sweetie and exude such a positive vibe; you deserve the best. I hope Austin agrees with you; just make sure to keep us posted ok? Change can be scary but it's also exiting but then I don't need to tell you this, right? Sending tons of hugs your way. xo

forestviking said...

3.54Am here,not the usual time...

London, need to tell You, I was wrong, some days ago,.....

YESSSSS, there is someone looking just like YOU
and feeling just like YOU, and Dreaming about teeth falling out ( maybe not any longer...)
This lovely lady is called Jess!!
Hope You manage to meet her sometime...

Jess, just a hymn to London,
who created this blog in the start, who took off to spheres, that might not be so easy to access for You,
(sometimes it doesn't help to have a longer pasttime)...
The same mind, the same body and still so different...
"how much DIFFERENCE a NAME makes!"

You are so incredibly lucky to have such an, in years approved, companion!!!
You know that?

So many wonderful experiences, encounters, pictures and colours,she is so sweet and genious to put it into a whole moving and taking event, daily....

Thought to let You know, in order not to separate these two,
or choose just one, but rather combine and unite

YOU TWO CHARMS.

Thank You soooooooooo much!

London, if there is anything You can't get done, ask Jess, she will.....for sure!!!
Some are just so d..n lucky!!
Wish I had an equivalent companion too....

Samantha Grace said...

Hey Girlie,

I know your modeling feelings so well. I do not think I could comment to quitting myself right now. I took two months off, and I honestly thought that would be the end of modeling. But I am second guessing it myself. I just needed time to be a normal human being. I haven't checked my emails in weeks, MM, or even OMP. I kind of like it that way. I have a trip coming up but I am not worried about it. It's weird how I feel.

I am going to be home until Saturday. You know I live a little outside of the city and if you need something do while Pat is at work or anything, we can go out and be normal people. I promise I won't call you London either.

London Andrews said...

I already know that I want to return to it someday - but I want to return when I choose to.... not because I need the money... not because I need the attention... not because I want to pack up and move again - modeling makes it so easy to run away from your own life, so easy.

I WANT Europe to happen.... I need to grow some balls by next year and also figure out how to travel without a car. NYC and backpacks = total misery.

Sorry that I missed the picnic, I was actually planning on showing up unannounced... maybe trailing Danielle and Carly along as well.... But alas, it is what it is....

Aaron.... you are such a great guy. And it means a lot to me to hear that from you.... I know one day we'll be hanging out making Your Mom jokes for a few more hours, just a matter of time.

Love all the people in between.... here and there.

Sam, I will give you a call - I could definitely use some hang out time - maybe we could grab lunch or something. Patrick works these crazy day shifts and I have nothing to do....

forestviking said...

- apartment in Austin

- room-mate

- grow some balls

- live Your own life

- figure out some rough European travel
scedule/ scratch

- figure out some possible car plan (?)for it, maybe a crazy one...or anything else....
Cars make things a lot easier, though there is a hell of a lot of traffic around all bigger cities in EU and huge traffic jams daily; boats and ferries are all over the places....
Really depends where You want to go.
Try Ryanair.com for cheap flights around EU, bahn.de for train in Germany, britishrail.com for trains in England, couches are over all,6.497 only in London...

Start some daydreaming!!!!

Welcome to Europe!

- give the Universe some time to help

Was there anything important missing?

good plan to start!

To be continued by You.......

(Please don't mind some involvement in details....)

PD said...

Something I forgot say.
Please, never forget this:
You are not & never alone.
Jess needs us, Jess gots us.
Austin has no idea what's coming their way.
:)

Topless New York said...

Sorry that I missed the picnic, I was actually planning on showing up unannounced... maybe trailing Danielle and Carly along as well....

Now that would've been hysterical!! (And awesome.)

Here's the crew who did show up... fewer than expected, but a fun group, and new friends were made all around.

Bones said...

"You don't model because you want to show something, you model because you have something to show.
"
...Follow your Heart

Herb said...

sad for me
happy for you
take care
Herb

Herb said...

sad for me
happy for you
take care
Herb

Anonymous said...

Sounds like London needs a rest, and Jess needs her wings again. Safe travels, Wherever you may go, that place and those people, will only be made better by your presence.

Be well.

The Port City Prince said...

Godspeed in your life's travels, Jess!

Bondrox aka "BR" said...

I know you've been contemplating a time-out from all the "mayhem" and I'm so glad we got one more shoot in...it was truly awesome!

This year has been a rollercoaster of emotion for you and I'm sure that this change will be good and much needed therapy for your soul.

You have good instincts, so don't be afraid to use them. Everything will fall into place in time. Don't rush...just walk quickly and with confidence. Don't second guess yourself...that will only create regret and uncertainty. Besides, you're gonna be right most of the time, anyway.

Keep your friends close and your enemies even closer! (so you can keep an eye on them)

Please keep in touch!

--BR--

BTW: The gnomes await your return!

Anonymous said...

Good Luck, London.

You have a beautiful look all of your own.

SLEPhoto said...

:-(

I understand being burned out. I wish you hadn't felt the need to delete your MM account, so at least your stuff would all still link back and everything, but I get why.

I'm glad we got the chance to work together, tho, and I'll still send you copies of the cool pics when they're edited.

Photos aside if you're EVER in Orlando for anything you're welcome at my home for Pinot Grigio and cuddling with the cats.

Please let me know if you'll be keeping the e-mail I have, since I'd like to stay in touch if I get signed prints or sell any of your work & need to reach you to send a %?