Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Kerouac

“There’s nothing to life but the living of it…hold still man, regain your love of life and go down from this mountain and simply be-be-be the infinite fertilities of the one mind of infinity. make no comments, complaints, criticisms, appraisials, avowals, sayings, shooting stars of thought, just flow, flow, be you all, be your what it is, it is only what it always is…so shut up, live, travel, adventure, bless and don’t be sorry.” - Jack Kerouac


Saturday, October 29, 2011

October

For all the ups and downs in the past few months, things seem to slowly be turning around - Time still moves slowly here in Rochester. One week here, feels a lot like a month or two (or three or four). Looking at myself, I am not really doing much with my life (But really, who is? What are you doing?). I am barely modeling (by choice), working locally, traveling once a month for modeling work ... Maybe a few more trips to LA and AZ, places that are warm and inviting this winter, but I feel detached from the modeling world..... I love photography... I love many of you who have photographed me in the past....but I haven't "felt" love for modeling in a very long time....

Rochester life is full of friends - Matthew, Kate, John, Molly, Aaron, Sarah, a mess of wonderful acquaintances. Campfires with Apple Cider. Dinner parties till midnight. Hiking in pretty places. Coffee houses. Live music. Dancing. Movie nights. Lux. Art galleries. First Friday. Matt and I paint now and then - Lots of great companionship, lots of wonderful memories being made every day. Haven't .... had a community of friends like this... ever.... it is really new and very welcome.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Eric Jackson - Cleveland Photos

Worked with a few people in Pittsburgh and Cleveland this weekend! Thought I would share some photos... :  ) Happy-end-of-Fall to all of you!



Friday, August 19, 2011

New Apartment! Yay!




IN LOVE with this new apartment - I have a difficult time imagining a better place to live.. Open spaces, gleaming hardwoods, high ceilings, unbelievable ambient light, brand new windows, a front porch, a backyard, the most amazing living room to hang out in... I have been looking for this apartment for years.... it *found* us.

Matt and I were actually on our fifth apartment walk through of the day - A guy with a bunch of boxes, called out across the street, "Hey! Are you looking for an apartment? This one is going up on craigslist next week...!" - Although the place was under a ton of construction and dust, I absolutely knew it was our apartment... It literally Shouted at us - Two days later we signed the paperwork... the place was ours....

Currently we are interviewing for a third roommate - Basically, we are just looking for someone who could be an amazing friend. I have a HUGE issue living with people that I cannot connect with on a personal level... Surface conversations make me uncomfortable and I tend to hide in my bedroom to avoid it (my job is surface conversation.. bleh)... I just want someone who wants to participate in living together........ Dinners once a week, market on the weekend, craft night at Lux...

Rochester is NOT Austin (not even close), but The Wedge does have a few Austin-like qualities! There is a funky coffee shop just like Mozarts (without the lake) two blocks down. A fancy bar called Tap and Mallet which is JUST like Ginger Man (but cheaper), three houses down. I have an organic supermarket at the end of my road. BurningMan-like bar, Lux is only a few doors down. Equal Grounds Coffee Shop (the gay coffee shop!). The German House. The Wedgestock Festival is this weekend, on my street ...




Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The BreakUp

Pat and I broke up Monday night - Isn't that crazy news? - The two of us have been together for seven years.... We keep trying to change each other, to mold one another into something that we are not - Neither of us want to be changed... And yet, as we hug each other in bed, late at night, even now, I know we both still love eachother - I care about him more than anyone I have ever met and I know he feels the same way... But it is 'comfortable love' - And while comfortable love tends to be full of security and easy living, it can also be dangerous - Over time, that comfort can build into contempt and hatred... Pat and I want to end on good terms....

Met Patrick while he was attending Syracuse University, he fixed something inside of me that I could not fix myself - I was searching for all these pieces of myself that I could not find (I am still a bit like that).... Have you ever read that book The Missing Piece? That is my biography, the sum of my parts - Just rolling around, feeling empty, looking for anything that makes me feel whole - Back then, I was drinking myself into oblivion several nights a week... I was empty. But ... Pat put so much love into our relationship - he treated me with so much respect (that I could not give myself) - He forgave me when I made terrible mistakes (when I could not forgive myself) - He gave me confidence in the security of our relationship (with the freedom I needed to thrive), he gave me confidence about my body, in a way I never had before meeting him (it led to modeling)....

He has been the one solid thing in my life.... My family has been very absent from my life in the last 10 years. My friends are awesome but they are far away - I shouldn't have put so much pressure on him, but I did anyways - I made Patrick my Rock.. I gave him all my problems, he dealt with them - If I needed something, he was there for me - He was so big and strong, he could conquer anything I could not - And yet, I've never been anything of the sort in return...... Know my exciting adventures in Sequoia/Deep Creek? During that time, Pat was in NYC, with his family, for his Grandma's funeral ( ... That trip home solidified our break up..)...

We've had problems for years - but since living together, they have heightened to the point where neither of us can deal anymore....

Patrick is very responsible when it comes to his job and his family - But outside of those two things, Pat's only interest/hobby is getting drunk/high with his friends - He thinks his "problem" is a joke - But it has only gotten worse since moving to Austin ... If it does not involve drinking or smoking weed, he does not want to do it - Tonight, he will head out to Happy Hour, come home, hit the bong, watch TV all night, and pass out. I worry about his health (I tell him that constantly, he hates it) - I worry about him when I am not home (I imagine him like my father, falling down a flight of stairs and ending up in ICU) - He thinks this kind of behavior is normal (it's not) - He surrounds himself with people who are just like him (I cannot think of one friend that he has, who does not drink or smoke heavily)... And what sucks, is that I also have an alcohol abuse problem (that is a fact) - And I while I would drink regardless of his presence, being around Patrick enables me to drink more often... I see him choose alcohol every day, it's not a big deal... But it is a big deal, I feel like it is a big deal, I don't want to be this person anymore...

As for me - I lose just about everything in this breakup: I lose Austin (I cannot live here, knowing Pat is somewhere in the city, I'd get lonely, call him, we'd make up and be miserable together for another five years) - I lose Perry-cat (Pat said he would take her), all my foster kittens, AustinPetsAlive - I lose SoupPeddler, the Alamo Drafthouse, Hippie Hollow, ACL, SXSW, Tubing in San Marcos.... I lose my best friend of seven years (even if he gave up on me years ago).... I lose my stability and purpose and my sense of belonging somewhere....

What I get is: Anything I can fit in the trunk of my Mustang (probably clothes and camping gear) - I get Mom-dog (Patrick doesn't want her) - She makes traveling and working very difficult for me, but I cannot give her back to the Humane Society - I cannot do it, she is an amazing dog and a good friend - Because of her, I will not be modeling as I travel back home, since she has never traveled before, I am unsure how she would react being tied outside a studio...

Mom-dog and I leave Thursday - Headed home to Syracuse NY - It is a temporary thing, I will probably stay at my mom's place until the end of August - Get my bearings, figure out what's next.. I want to look into becoming a dog groomer (wouldn't that be a great job for me....!) - Eventually, if I got really good at it, I could even start my own business!.... I don't know. Rough draft right now.... Lets see how things go.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Lightning in a Bottle 2011






































Burning Man will always be my favorite festival .... I say this, because I love how incredibly complex it is - I love how the festival surrounds you - You are alive, you are human, you are loved, you are lonely, you are one, you are breathing, you are dancing - You are in the desert, eating cupcakes, with a man dressed as a monkey....

With that said - I must tell you that I absolutely fell in love with the LIB Festival - The majority of people were Burners, many of the art installations at LIB were created for Black Rock, the whole place had an environmentally conscious-feel to it - LIB only sold Vegetarian options on the festival grounds....Also, everything was 100% biodegradable and they had onsite composting options...

Our adventure began Thursday - I drove to Wamuhu's around 4pm to grab Matthew (who does not drive) - My goal was to pick him up at 4pm, drive into the festival before 8pm, set up camp while the sun set, and spend the evening hanging out - The best laid plans never seem to work when you have Matthew involved, though....... nope. Ended up sitting around for three hours, while he ran around applying aloe to his naked body, packing his bags, finishing his laundry.... Instead of sunset... Matt and I ended up struggling at 1am, in the dark, on the hilltop, in the cold... It was crazy. Luckily, a really nice neighbor let us borrow his sunlamp for awhile - and we managed to get our camp set up....

Friday morning - Matt and I headed straight to a workshop called Wake Up Singing! 50 people, dancing and laughing and yoga-ing together... Nothing more liberating than singing loudly and dancing next to a bunch of crazy strangers who feel like family..... As for the night... all my nights just blur together.... Ummm, Friday night, we danced until 1am, headed back to the tent - Met this guy from Torrence who owns a jungle... He bought 10,000 crickets, dumped them on his land, so he can sleep to the sound of crickets at night - The guy was intense, high on something, offered Matt pot-brownies, kept lighting sage in our tent... I remember passing out - I remember Matthew dancing...

Saturday morning, the weather was perfect - It was the kind of day you spend hanging out with your neighbors - Which is exactly what we did...! Eventually we wandered down the hill, and rode Ferris wheel together - Hit up the amazing gallery show they had going - Beats Antique played - I went to dance around the ArtCar until 3am, Sharonda went to dance around Red Lightning Camp until 3am, Matt and Wamuhu went dancing at the Art Gallery... Matt stumbled in around 8am, looking exhausted but happy...

Sunday morning - I could not even *think* about dancing... My body hurt from days of movement, sleeping on the ground, lack of protein. Decided to check out some of the workshops instead...  Conscious Breathing class was neat. Never realized how calming it is to simply breathe within a group of people. The website is neat, because you can see where people are logged in, to breathe, all over the world. Also attended a Chinese Healing Herb class that was jam packed with amazing information... Later that evening, I saw Lynx perform and yet again, I was dancing like a maniac. Ended up watching this band at the Lumi Cafe ... Not sure what their name was..... But they were ridiculous live. Meditated in the Temple of Consciousness that night.... fell in and out of sleep surrounded by beautifully peaceful hippies.....

The festival was amazing - It balanced Burning Man, with yoga, with dancing and music, and an atmosphere that just blew me away... I am already making plans to attend next year.... The sunsets on that lake are unbelievable...

Friday, June 3, 2011

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Phx has been fun!

Hit up craigslist for camping equipment today.... Found a nice Kelty 10x10 tent, two sleeping bags for $60 total.... The guy had a TON of gear - He informed me that he organizes camping trips for recovering drug addicts/alcoholics "..And when those motha-fuckers relapse, (they always do).... I sell their shit!"... He looked like a bad alcholic himself, bad skin, saggy cheeks.... Regardless of the situation, I am grateful to have some quality camping stuff this week - We need it for the festival and our trip to Sequoia next week...


Talked to Matt for a bit..... He has been tanning on Venice beach all week.... burnt himself red like a lobster...Eccentric with the Aloe Vera - He has been drinking it, soaking in it, drenching himself with it... Hoping it works in the next 24 hours, because LIB is all outdoors in the sun....


Check Engine Light came on in the Mustang two days ago.... Haven't had any trouble so far - hoping it can hang in there for a week or so.... I don't have any time to get it looked at until Monday.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Roadtrip to Cali (with Matthew!)

Matthew - "Bad news: My waiter job in Syracuse stressed me out so much.... I got demoted to Bus-Boy - I quit! I saved up $2000! Lets go on a trip! Where should we go?"

First thought was my aunt's cheese farm in Vermont (I REALLY want to go work up there this summer and make some badass Brie with my family.... working on a farm sounds really rewarding).... But Matt decided on Joshua Tree Music Festival, "Rubblebucket is playing. I want to be there." - But, "It is only six days away! There is no way I can make Joshua Tree work - Stay a week after the festival, I will meet you in LA..... there is this other festival I have been dying to check out... Type  Lightning in a Bottle into your browser and call me back."

Lightning in a Bottle! Ahhhh! I've been trying to go for the past two years! Ever since I saw Lucient Dossier perform at Coachella, I have been hooked - This festival is everything I love about life... Great people, inspiring art, yoga, educational workshops, camping, amazing music, performances - It is run by a small Burner community... It feels like Burning Man. You bring your garbage in, you trek it out.



So Matt calls me and is like, "OH MY GOD! Lets get tickets!" - So we did. Four day festival tickets, in fact.... Gonna be a great weekend!

Matt is currently in LA, staying with some friends he made at Joshua Tree last year. Called me the day he flew into LA, 4am in the morning... He was lost. Stuck on a bus somewhere, he had no idea where he was - Haven't talked to him since. Hoping things have gotten better. Sunday afternoon, I leave for Las Cruces, Monday I drive into Phx to shoot for a few days, Thursday I pick Matthew up and we head into LIB. Following Monday, we leave for a four day camping trip in Sequoia National Park/Kings Canyon - Then Matt is planning on flying out of LA and then I have a Crap-ton of modeling work for LA. I will be working my ass off that week! I have two 8 hour shoot dates set and a bunch of 2-3 hour jobs scattered around town.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

End of an Era: Ode to the Mustang

My first car was a cute 1996 Firebird. Drove it everywhere! Bucket seats, big windows - But by the time I turned 20, the Firebird was costing me far more in repairs, than it was actually worth - That is when Mom talked me into buying a used 2000 Oldsmobile SUV - "Unlike your last car, this one will be safe, reliable. SUV's are great for NY state winters" - Not entirely sure why I agreed to buy it... never liked it. Behind the wheel, I felt like a 50 year old mechanic, with bad breath, dirty fingernails and soggy shoes....

A year passed - By 2005, I was regularly traveling to NYC for modeling work - After a particularly profitable trip to NYC, I was driving my OldManCar and I passed a Used Car Lot - There, glittering in the sun, inviting as a warm black stone, was a beautiful black mustang convertible.... The car looked like happiness. It looked like freedom. It looked like an Adventure. I pulled over, asked the owner if I could take it for a test drive, he said, "Go ahead"... So I did. When I got back, I called my mom at work and told her, "I am trading my SUV for a Mustang Convertible."..... I cannot explain to you, how upset she was - I cannot explain to you, how badly I needed to own that car....

The mustang was the #1 reason that I decided to model around the US - Without that mustang, I would not have been inspired to drive 100,000 miles in three years - I yearned to put the top down, blasting my favorite album, traveling up Highway 1..... We went to 47 states together - Camped in over 40 National Parks - She survived a mudslide in Utah - Drove the mountains of Colorado - Slept in both high/low deserts - Provided entertainment for both me and my best friend. Managed Highway 1 (twice) - Survived a Mormon Parade - Had a homeless man with terminal cancer help change her tire - Saw most of southern Canada, including Banff and Jasper - She took a virgin trip to Burning Man (how she didn't die there, blows my mind) ....... Last year, she helped me move all the way from Cleveland Ohio to Austin TX.....

That car was my dream car - With the top down, I felt like I could go anywhere and everything would be OK - Losing her, is the end of an era for me..... Tomorrow she will be sent to a junk yard to be parted-out and..... well... it... feels like my childish dreams are also being parted-out with her... it sucks

But I need to face it - Her body has rusted out completely - Break lines have busted for the third time now. She has two temporary plugs in her oil well, both which have been leaking. Both of the seatbelts do not work. There are no airbags. The car keeps overheating. Airconditioning is gone. The trunk doesn't open. Windshield is cracked. The transmission is months from being blown.... The guy who fixed it last referred to my mustang as a "death trap".... And while the Mustang lasted two years after his prophecy, these last few months, his words began to ring true....

My Ode to the Mustang: I love you much.... thanks for holding out so long...

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Corwin in Austin....

Corwin Prescott and his lady, VauntD, crashed on my futon last week. Love it when they come to visit Pat and I - They always feel like family to me. Here are the top three reasons I like them at my place: #1, They know how to play a mean game of Apples to Apples with Alcholic Whipped Cream. #2, They know where all the amazing food is located (although, I still think that Beef Intestine Soup sounds like a poor choice over Veggie Tacos). #3, They travel with the *cutest* Pug-dog in the entire world - His name is Franco (aka Bacon) ..... Franco and Mom-dog became good buds....
(what you cannot see in this picture... is the real mystery....)

Corwin, VauntD, and I... visited one of my favorite places in Austin, a gorgeous remote pool twenty miles from my place - Even with ten people tanning on the beach, we managed to snap off a few naked photos, without anyone noticing us....

Last night they were in Austin, we visited the Jackalope and went out with a whole slew of people from ModelMayhem - Including Louise Black from Project Runway, ElleV, and a bunch of local photographers... it was a really good time.....

If you like Corwin's photos - Remember he is on a roadtrip around the US! He is always mentoring photographers or taking photos of models in return for some Roadtrip cash.... Look him up. His rates are fantastic and you will really enjoy working with him...



"That Hampton Inn is Famous?"

"Oh really? ... Why is it famous?"

"Didn't you hear about it? A bunch of girls flew from the UK last week - And they had Illegal butt surgery there? It was all over the news..."

"No," *dumbfounded* "... what do you mean 'Illegal butt surgery?'"

"Well... I hesitate to call him... A 'surgeon' ... But this guy was working out of a Hampton Inn Hotel room - And he performed illegal butt enhancements on a bunch of girls from the UK.... using.... you won't believe this.... Housing Caulk... No joke. The same kind of House Caulking you buy at Home Depot! This GUY, injected CAULK into their BUTT CHEEKS! And one of the girls had chest pains and died shortly afterwards.... That is why that Hampton Inn is famous...."

"Oh." *dumbfounded...*

Monday, March 7, 2011

Whomever bought this dress on Amazon:

I love it. Not only is it comfy, but it looks awesome on me!
(and sidenote: Goddamn my butt is huge! Hahah)

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Chip Willis: Matthew


I have a Photographer BucketList. It is a very tiny list - Consists of about fifteen photographers. Some of them I have met in person, but have not been able to schedule with. A couple photographers have told me straight out, that I am not their type and they will not work with me (sigh... Jose Luis is one of those photographers... but I forgive him, because he says he loves my work, he just cannot use me... he is fantastic, though...)

One of my *tippy top* Bucketlist photographers - Is Chip Willis. In many ways, I think, he has surpassed just about everyone when it comes to Black and White work. His stuff is timeless and his eye is for art is phenomenal...

Matthew, who is still in Syracuse, went to 1920's party last week in Binghamton - Guess who was the Party Photographer? Yeaaaaa.... guess who is jealous? Yeaaaaaa......









Monday, February 14, 2011

God vs the Carnivore

Sitting in Atlanta Airport, I ran into a very attractive guy, about my age, from Memphis. He opened up the conversation by commenting on how icecream tastes so much better in an overcrowded airport (to which, I agreed, Indeed!...). He, then, began talking about the Ministry. And while I believe in a "God"..... Organized religion makes me nervous... I am not against it. But Christianity killed millions of people - Far more than any war. It reigned terribly.... I cannot imagine a God supporting something like that.... I just cannot....

For those of you who go to church and you have a healthy relationship with God! - Please - Understand, I am happy for you.... Anything that effects your life positively.... is a great and wonderful thing....

Usually, at an airport, when someone asks, "What do you do?" - I amuse myself by avoiding the "Nude Modeling" conversation - I choose a deep nagging question to chat about (Airport people are my favorite fortune cookies!).... Or I choose a time in my life that made me feel alive and we talk about it, like it just happened... It puts me in a fantastic mood.... I love chatting about Guatemala, traveling through Utah in a mudslide, or starving in the Florida Keys with Matthew....

For some reason, in this particular instance, when the Religious guy from Memphis asked me, "What do you Do?" ... I answered honestly... "I am nude model... just got back from DC." And, while clearing his throat, he asked, "Oh, well how does that make you feel?" And I said, "It makes me feel good - When I work with honest, wonderful people - I love it a lot" And he said, "...But how does it feel knowing that you Help to objectify women in the porn industry?"..... Defensively.... I wanted to say something nasty, something terrible and shocking....

But, in the 20 seconds the conversation happened, I could not help but relate this conversation to the Vegetarian/ Carnivore dilemma I run into all the time...... I am a Vegetarian and when I tell a Carnivore that I am a Vegetarian, the first thing they do is they get defensive and they want to say something ridiculous and hurtful... like, "Cows are food, not friends." or "I love vegetables, as long as they come with a big juicy steak... blah blah blah".... It drives me nuts! You want to eat meat!? Whatever - someday I will probably eat meat too..... But being hurtful, for no reason, is just pathetic.....

Defensively, what I wanted to say to him was.... "I do not believe in your Religion." - I wanted to tell him, "Organized Religion sucks and it killed thousands more people than it Saved" - I *really* wanted to make terribly bad Zombie Jesus jokes, but I could not... Nor, could I be rude or walk away..... So, I sat there. Listening to him. Enthralled. Watching his eyes light up - Passionate about everything he said..... He even downloaded sermons onto my Macbook... It was a beautiful thing.....

All, I am trying to say is.... If you run into someone, who really believes in something, and it positively affects their life.... (whatever the 'something' happens to be) - Do not push your judgements onto them - Do not hurt them... Listen to them talk.... Can you feel their soul burn to tell you something.... I wish I was a passionate Vegan. Or I loved my religion so much, I wanted to tell everyone about it. I wish had that much passion for something.... Passion is a powerful thing....

Anyways - to follow this post up!? Here are some almost naked photos of me.... :  ) *hugs*