Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The BreakUp

Pat and I broke up Monday night - Isn't that crazy news? - The two of us have been together for seven years.... We keep trying to change each other, to mold one another into something that we are not - Neither of us want to be changed... And yet, as we hug each other in bed, late at night, even now, I know we both still love eachother - I care about him more than anyone I have ever met and I know he feels the same way... But it is 'comfortable love' - And while comfortable love tends to be full of security and easy living, it can also be dangerous - Over time, that comfort can build into contempt and hatred... Pat and I want to end on good terms....

Met Patrick while he was attending Syracuse University, he fixed something inside of me that I could not fix myself - I was searching for all these pieces of myself that I could not find (I am still a bit like that).... Have you ever read that book The Missing Piece? That is my biography, the sum of my parts - Just rolling around, feeling empty, looking for anything that makes me feel whole - Back then, I was drinking myself into oblivion several nights a week... I was empty. But ... Pat put so much love into our relationship - he treated me with so much respect (that I could not give myself) - He forgave me when I made terrible mistakes (when I could not forgive myself) - He gave me confidence in the security of our relationship (with the freedom I needed to thrive), he gave me confidence about my body, in a way I never had before meeting him (it led to modeling)....

He has been the one solid thing in my life.... My family has been very absent from my life in the last 10 years. My friends are awesome but they are far away - I shouldn't have put so much pressure on him, but I did anyways - I made Patrick my Rock.. I gave him all my problems, he dealt with them - If I needed something, he was there for me - He was so big and strong, he could conquer anything I could not - And yet, I've never been anything of the sort in return...... Know my exciting adventures in Sequoia/Deep Creek? During that time, Pat was in NYC, with his family, for his Grandma's funeral ( ... That trip home solidified our break up..)...

We've had problems for years - but since living together, they have heightened to the point where neither of us can deal anymore....

Patrick is very responsible when it comes to his job and his family - But outside of those two things, Pat's only interest/hobby is getting drunk/high with his friends - He thinks his "problem" is a joke - But it has only gotten worse since moving to Austin ... If it does not involve drinking or smoking weed, he does not want to do it - Tonight, he will head out to Happy Hour, come home, hit the bong, watch TV all night, and pass out. I worry about his health (I tell him that constantly, he hates it) - I worry about him when I am not home (I imagine him like my father, falling down a flight of stairs and ending up in ICU) - He thinks this kind of behavior is normal (it's not) - He surrounds himself with people who are just like him (I cannot think of one friend that he has, who does not drink or smoke heavily)... And what sucks, is that I also have an alcohol abuse problem (that is a fact) - And I while I would drink regardless of his presence, being around Patrick enables me to drink more often... I see him choose alcohol every day, it's not a big deal... But it is a big deal, I feel like it is a big deal, I don't want to be this person anymore...

As for me - I lose just about everything in this breakup: I lose Austin (I cannot live here, knowing Pat is somewhere in the city, I'd get lonely, call him, we'd make up and be miserable together for another five years) - I lose Perry-cat (Pat said he would take her), all my foster kittens, AustinPetsAlive - I lose SoupPeddler, the Alamo Drafthouse, Hippie Hollow, ACL, SXSW, Tubing in San Marcos.... I lose my best friend of seven years (even if he gave up on me years ago).... I lose my stability and purpose and my sense of belonging somewhere....

What I get is: Anything I can fit in the trunk of my Mustang (probably clothes and camping gear) - I get Mom-dog (Patrick doesn't want her) - She makes traveling and working very difficult for me, but I cannot give her back to the Humane Society - I cannot do it, she is an amazing dog and a good friend - Because of her, I will not be modeling as I travel back home, since she has never traveled before, I am unsure how she would react being tied outside a studio...

Mom-dog and I leave Thursday - Headed home to Syracuse NY - It is a temporary thing, I will probably stay at my mom's place until the end of August - Get my bearings, figure out what's next.. I want to look into becoming a dog groomer (wouldn't that be a great job for me....!) - Eventually, if I got really good at it, I could even start my own business!.... I don't know. Rough draft right now.... Lets see how things go.

37 comments:

Hateful MacBayne said...

there is nothing to say that helps. you survive. surviving itself sucks sometimes. but you survive.

Bigt1200(from Twitter) said...

Sometimes people come into our lives for a reason.You both will always have a part of each other.

SnakeLinkSonic said...

Well at least you've finally taken that first step for yourself. You should be proud of yourself for that at least, even though I'm assuming that you probably feel like you've fallen down the stairs taking it.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like two addictive personalities which get worse when together despite the good aspects. A life where someone is in an altered state of mind all the time is not a life in reality, but rather, escapism. Good luck in your journey.
Travel has a way of making you focus on what matters and what you value. Especially if you travel alone, it forces you to rely on yourself and gives you confidence.
School is also a good thing. Especially in these times. Its a temporary safety bubble from the real world.

Monica said...

This sucks and I am sad for you. But I know you will be ok, you have a large circle of friends who care very much about you. I know that even though we only met once, I care about you. And since you will only be under 2 hours from me when you come back, I think it would be great to get together and just chill. (I am not a big people person myself, so I understand if you don't want to)

MagicZombieCarpenter said...

From here it looks like you're entering a new chapter in your life, it sucks you're doing it alone but I think this breakup kinda pushed this new direction in your life to the forefront.

You know, I've been reading a lot of your older post and I think I can see a definite change in how you are now. You seem ready for a little stability and I'm not talking about the relationship kind, its like you need a home base, your own little batcave(nerd) for yourself... maybe this the beginning of the end for "London Andrews - On the Road" and the start of "Jessica at Home"

but I may be wrong about that I've never been any good at reading people, but if I am right I say stand tall with your shoulders back and your head held high and go carve out a piece of the world just for you

MZC

Sea Marie said...

I am sending you lots of love and thoughts and prayers and good vibes. I know things are hard and shitty right now but you will get through this. <3 If you even randomly end up in WI let me know. I don't mind big dogs or homeless people. :)

alumiere said...

I'm sorry, but I do understand. I hung on for longer than I should and it cost me a lot more than a few possessions. As for those, ask if you can retrieve them once you're settled on where you're landing next... a small trailer can be rented that will work with the mustang or you could do a pod or something similar.

Best of luck with the next things; I'm certain you'll do well.

BrokenPoet said...

Not in the position to host you but there is a hotel next to my workplace (a great Comfort Suites that I myself had to stay in two nights last winter due to inclement weather/work) that I would be willing to put you up in for a night. I'm no creeper. I would like to take you dinner at a local place if you were hungry and willing and then once you get settled into your room, I'd make like a ghost and disappear lol. I work in Olive Branch, MS, just south of Memphis. I'm a friend on FB so if you wanna PM instead of messaging here, that's cool. I'm sorry things went down this way but maybe it's a chance to get your life back on the track you really want...a chance for real happiness. And how many people want just a shot at that? Take care and lemme know one way or another...

Heath

BrokenPoet81 said...

Oh and I know a couple that would be willing to watch your Momma-dog for the night, if that is necessary. They live 10 minutes away from the hotel, so you wouldn't be far from her.

Heath

Paul fom Poland said...

splinter will be always in your heart.
but dont be sad, time will take care all wounds. He allways does.
I send a lot of happy thoughts - to YOU and your dog (form faraway country--Poland)
strong woman like you will survive

sinnercitizen said...

Altough i haven't commented in this blog for a while, rest assured that i read every post you make...

Breakups are hard. I know. And i'm pretty sure you already knew this as well, but even tough we can see the train about to crash, we just can't take ourselves out of the way, if not only for harm's sake.

You and Pat had a good, long relationship. But don't feel bad about making him your Rock, as you said. Some guys, Pat included, like to be someone else's rock.

Did you come with issues to this relationship? of course.

Name me one person who doesn't have "baggage" when they enter a brand new relationship?

We all, your fans, your friends (both, of flesh and bone and those in the great unknown that is the web) have seen you grow from a cute chubby girl(sorry, couldn't find a better one) with trust issues and addiction problems, into this free spirited, fully grown woman. Both spiritually, socially and what not.

I cannot convey into words the love me and my wife and newborn baby girl are sending you this minute. We all hope that this "homecoming" thing will be a terapeutical, if not cathartic moment for you.

We may, at given times in our lifes, feel estranged towards our family, namely our mother, but they are our families, our closest one's and if for nothing else, they will always be there for us.

Well, at least my mother was. But, then again, she's made from that same mould all latin mothers are made of, sweet but tough, hard but loving...

Were you somewhere in Europe and i would say to get your large, but lovely bottom, in a train, bus or airplane and come down to the sunniest spot in the whole of southern Europe, Portugal and spend the summer with us. Big dog and all...

Hugs and kisses from Portugal,
Pedro

Joe said...

I am sad for you. And for myself for that matter. 8 years went *poof* earlier this year. Drugs and booze and OCD all wrapped into one. I think she did me a favor, like the favor you're doing yourself. Pet the dog and keep the faith.

topher said...

dang. sorry man. maybe some day you can call austin a home again :(

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to say that hasn't been said, other than we are here for you and you are our friend weather we met you once, hang out all the time or just talk on here. Truthfully, I hate people in general, they are stupid herd animals. But a person isn't so and neither are you. You are a unique and wonderful person. I do think you will get thru this, and will it sucks big donkey balls, you will get to you goals. It will just take a bit of time to get reoriented, just like any big change, it takes a bit to deal with it. We are here for you in whatever you need, all you need to do is ask and I know if we can we will help. We are all some deformed family who have never met each other, but I can tell you just by reading here and knowing you, we do all care a great deal for you (and Mom-dog). If you need anything please, PLEASE, ask. Hugs and best wishes,
Doug in Joplin, MO

SLE Photography said...

Hey London, you & Mom-Dog are, of course, welcome here on your stopover in DC. You know the door's always open & Harley would love to have Mom-Dog as a guest for the night. Plus Sasha certainly wants to use you as a pillow again.

Victor said...

You and mom-dog can crash at my place in md. If the brakes will last I can fix them when you get here. If not I am going to donate anyway. Happy new beginnings. I may have a vet you can work for in MD. Hugs and much love. Sara is behind you 100 percent. Ashville is an awesome choice!

small1sh12 said...

Sorry London ... I don't know what else to say.
If you take a northern route, via Indy. I'd be glad to help.

evertrue41 said...

Sorry to hear about your break up. Austin is great. I just recently left myself. You should check out Pittsburgh. Great schools and an up and coming scene here.

rtwdreamer said...

hey i'm leaving austin on thursday too and may have a place for you in houston (i'll be heading to alabammy on friday early so my "hosting" is limited) think i can bum a ride?

vikingman said...

"Stages" by Herman Hesse, poem from The Glass Bead Game.

As every flower fades and as all youth
Departs, so life at every stage,
So every virtue, so our grasp of truth,
Blooms in its day and may not last forever.
Since life may summon us at every age
Be ready, heart, for parting, new endeavor,
Be ready bravely and without remorse
To find new light that old ties cannot give.
In all beginnings dwells a magic force
For guarding us and helping us to live.
Serenely let us move to distant places
And let no sentiments of home detain us.

The Cosmic Spirit seeks not to restrain us
But lifts us stage by stage to wider spaces.
If we accept a home of our own making,
Familiar habit makes for indolence.
We must prepare for parting and leave-taking
Or else remain the slave of permamence.
Even the hour of our death may send
Us speeding on to fresh and newer spaces,
And life may summon us to newer races.
So be it, heart: bid farewell without end.

Wishing You all the very best for Your new step, glad You freed Yourself from permanence....
Hoping Your magic force will take up working soon

a smile and a big hug to You,

visiting friends and family in Bavaria just now,
playing and laughing with my nephews and nices

Shon Richards said...

Breakups suck but it sounds like yours was the right choice. I think you are making the right call no matter how hard it is to go through with at the moment.

I wish you lots of love and lots of luck.

Anonymous said...

While you think Pat was your Rock what he was was that person you needed to find your own sense of self. He was a constant in a really variable world at the time and therefore provided stability. The things you now look at in terms of coming home to someone who just wants to hang etc... was probably something you needed earlier. Someone that you know would be there no matter what. But what happens is often we want to move on see more learn more and those constants in our lives stay the same. It doesn't make them bad or wrong or that we should even love them less, it just means that it may be time to move on as hard as that may be or seem to be. The constant wants to stay constant and the variable well wants to vary and see what more there is in life. But the gift of the constant is that they have helped give back the varying one their sense of security or a sense of self during that time of emotional security.
Embrace this as an opportunity to grow, and reflect on the past not as a anything wrong but as a wonderful chapter in your story

peeb said...

There's nothing I can add to what's been said, but I hope for nothing but the best for you. I don't know if it helps at all, that your fans love you, but we do.

Ferdman said...

Con: This is a terrible situation, full of awfulness.

Pro: Your not allowing it to get worse. Your not hiding or running from it. You see the pitfalls, and your actually taking action against them. You have incredible strength and character to know and do that, and you got more heart than a prizefighter for it.

You should do what makes you happy and supports you in practical ways, but above that even, you must do what is best for yourself overall. Your health & well-being, and happiness, must come first.

I wish the best for your ex, who sounds like a great guy. We all have our demons and obstacles. But eventually we must all make difficult, serious decisions, and we cannot give real love to anyone if we are not first loving ourselves completely and realistically.

Though it'll be rough, I think your plans are full of amazing potential, and clearly, you have proven just how good you can be at achieving your goals. So there's no doubt that you'll realize many or all of any new goals as they come.

Be strong, but accept genuine help when you can use it. Its all around you. Take care, kick ass, and prosper :)

nailbunny said...

wow... i come back to read your blog after a couple of weeks to find this post.

the day before you wrote this blog, my fiance of 7 years also left me. her reasons are soo similar to yours. i too had become a hermit and she wanted to leave before she ended up hating me.while the wounds are still raw, i think we will stay friends though because it was not my choice it feels as if my heart has been ripped out but i now see what i did wrong was not becoming of a partner and hopefully i can learn from this.

i shall be watching your journey with great interest and will attempt to draw from the strength that you have to help myself through this.

peace and chainsaw grease.....

Anonymous said...

Awwww Phx, Arizona should definitely be your next move!

alaskaguy said...

sorry to hear. best of luck. keep your chin up.

JamesD said...

I don't have any great advice to help you through a break-up (nor does anyone else from what I can see), but if your travels bring you VA you always have a place to lay your head. No strings attached, just me, my 3 youngins', and Dixie (our dog, best dog I've ever known). Your skills go far beyond physical beauty (of which you bountifully blessed!) you should write a book, be it a biography or a novel, you have a way with words. Use that to it's full potential.

gabeg55 said...

Well it seems to me that you are making a very bold move. The fact that you see what is best already means great things in the future even in the wake of your breakup. All the best to you.

gabeg55 said...

Well it seems to me that you are making a very bold move. The fact that you see what is best already means great things in the future even in the wake of your breakup. All the best to you.

AndrewRN said...

I dated someone for a year. We lived together for most of that. Decided in April to go the same route you guys did with ending things on good terms. We could see things going into a bitter and hateful direction eventually and decided to not do that. I know what you're going through to a degree having been there myself. I hope all is well and you find a place to stay soon. Indiana is nice this time of year lol.

Anonymous said...

Hi London, Peter from The Netherlands here.

My thoughts are with you.

RobROCK said...

very sad new London as a fan of your modeling I can relate,i was engaged to my girl in a relat for 5 years ti very hard to accept, Now your on your own as weel as I but sometimes its need to right ones self. Time will heal you have many,may people who care bount you it a blessing to give hope. LUV Robert.

guhrish said...

Wow, I'm really sorry that your relationship came to that. I hope that your experience helps you grow more as a person. It's better that you two broke up like you did instead of having a bad, hateful one. I never have any regrets. All you can do is learn from your experience, and use it to grow as a person. Never let anyone change you for the worse because it will only lead to spite and regret. You should only change because you want to improve something aboit yourself. I hope you find another amazing guy who makes you happy and helps you grow instead of bring you down :-)

Pharaohcious said...

I missed this blog...not sure why i stopped checking it out. Anyway it seems like you can make a career out of blogging your daily adventures...you live the life that makes it possible...But this is old but still sorry about it and congrats on moving to new things in life. Next chapters...never anything wrong with being an introvert. Some will be outgoing while some will stay in and rent a movie or create something artistic or make love. Not everyone is the same so not everyone has to be out every night. If you feel there is an anxiety issue you can try a,not so drugged up, remedy. 5ht...what many take for sleep and crowd anxieties after taking ex. hope all is well, fun adn coming together for you. Later Mamas. (hope there aren't too many spelling errors...Im not going back to check. ha)

Pharaohcious said...

I missed this blog...not sure why i stopped checking it out. Anyway it seems like you can make a career out of blogging your daily adventures...you live the life that makes it possible...But this is old but still sorry about it and congrats on moving to new things in life. Next chapters...never anything wrong with being an introvert. Some will be outgoing while some will stay in and rent a movie or create something artistic or make love. Not everyone is the same so not everyone has to be out every night. If you feel there is an anxiety issue you can try a,not so drugged up, remedy. 5ht...what many take for sleep and crowd anxieties after taking ex. hope all is well, fun adn coming together for you. Later Mamas. (hope there aren't too many spelling errors...Im not going back to check. ha)