Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Kerouac

“There’s nothing to life but the living of it…hold still man, regain your love of life and go down from this mountain and simply be-be-be the infinite fertilities of the one mind of infinity. make no comments, complaints, criticisms, appraisials, avowals, sayings, shooting stars of thought, just flow, flow, be you all, be your what it is, it is only what it always is…so shut up, live, travel, adventure, bless and don’t be sorry.” - Jack Kerouac


Saturday, October 29, 2011

October

For all the ups and downs in the past few months, things seem to slowly be turning around - Time still moves slowly here in Rochester. One week here, feels a lot like a month or two (or three or four). Looking at myself, I am not really doing much with my life (But really, who is? What are you doing?). I am barely modeling (by choice), working locally, traveling once a month for modeling work ... Maybe a few more trips to LA and AZ, places that are warm and inviting this winter, but I feel detached from the modeling world..... I love photography... I love many of you who have photographed me in the past....but I haven't "felt" love for modeling in a very long time....

Rochester life is full of friends - Matthew, Kate, John, Molly, Aaron, Sarah, a mess of wonderful acquaintances. Campfires with Apple Cider. Dinner parties till midnight. Hiking in pretty places. Coffee houses. Live music. Dancing. Movie nights. Lux. Art galleries. First Friday. Matt and I paint now and then - Lots of great companionship, lots of wonderful memories being made every day. Haven't .... had a community of friends like this... ever.... it is really new and very welcome.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Eric Jackson - Cleveland Photos

Worked with a few people in Pittsburgh and Cleveland this weekend! Thought I would share some photos... :  ) Happy-end-of-Fall to all of you!



Friday, August 19, 2011

New Apartment! Yay!




IN LOVE with this new apartment - I have a difficult time imagining a better place to live.. Open spaces, gleaming hardwoods, high ceilings, unbelievable ambient light, brand new windows, a front porch, a backyard, the most amazing living room to hang out in... I have been looking for this apartment for years.... it *found* us.

Matt and I were actually on our fifth apartment walk through of the day - A guy with a bunch of boxes, called out across the street, "Hey! Are you looking for an apartment? This one is going up on craigslist next week...!" - Although the place was under a ton of construction and dust, I absolutely knew it was our apartment... It literally Shouted at us - Two days later we signed the paperwork... the place was ours....

Currently we are interviewing for a third roommate - Basically, we are just looking for someone who could be an amazing friend. I have a HUGE issue living with people that I cannot connect with on a personal level... Surface conversations make me uncomfortable and I tend to hide in my bedroom to avoid it (my job is surface conversation.. bleh)... I just want someone who wants to participate in living together........ Dinners once a week, market on the weekend, craft night at Lux...

Rochester is NOT Austin (not even close), but The Wedge does have a few Austin-like qualities! There is a funky coffee shop just like Mozarts (without the lake) two blocks down. A fancy bar called Tap and Mallet which is JUST like Ginger Man (but cheaper), three houses down. I have an organic supermarket at the end of my road. BurningMan-like bar, Lux is only a few doors down. Equal Grounds Coffee Shop (the gay coffee shop!). The German House. The Wedgestock Festival is this weekend, on my street ...




Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The BreakUp

Pat and I broke up Monday night - Isn't that crazy news? - The two of us have been together for seven years.... We keep trying to change each other, to mold one another into something that we are not - Neither of us want to be changed... And yet, as we hug each other in bed, late at night, even now, I know we both still love eachother - I care about him more than anyone I have ever met and I know he feels the same way... But it is 'comfortable love' - And while comfortable love tends to be full of security and easy living, it can also be dangerous - Over time, that comfort can build into contempt and hatred... Pat and I want to end on good terms....

Met Patrick while he was attending Syracuse University, he fixed something inside of me that I could not fix myself - I was searching for all these pieces of myself that I could not find (I am still a bit like that).... Have you ever read that book The Missing Piece? That is my biography, the sum of my parts - Just rolling around, feeling empty, looking for anything that makes me feel whole - Back then, I was drinking myself into oblivion several nights a week... I was empty. But ... Pat put so much love into our relationship - he treated me with so much respect (that I could not give myself) - He forgave me when I made terrible mistakes (when I could not forgive myself) - He gave me confidence in the security of our relationship (with the freedom I needed to thrive), he gave me confidence about my body, in a way I never had before meeting him (it led to modeling)....

He has been the one solid thing in my life.... My family has been very absent from my life in the last 10 years. My friends are awesome but they are far away - I shouldn't have put so much pressure on him, but I did anyways - I made Patrick my Rock.. I gave him all my problems, he dealt with them - If I needed something, he was there for me - He was so big and strong, he could conquer anything I could not - And yet, I've never been anything of the sort in return...... Know my exciting adventures in Sequoia/Deep Creek? During that time, Pat was in NYC, with his family, for his Grandma's funeral ( ... That trip home solidified our break up..)...

We've had problems for years - but since living together, they have heightened to the point where neither of us can deal anymore....

Patrick is very responsible when it comes to his job and his family - But outside of those two things, Pat's only interest/hobby is getting drunk/high with his friends - He thinks his "problem" is a joke - But it has only gotten worse since moving to Austin ... If it does not involve drinking or smoking weed, he does not want to do it - Tonight, he will head out to Happy Hour, come home, hit the bong, watch TV all night, and pass out. I worry about his health (I tell him that constantly, he hates it) - I worry about him when I am not home (I imagine him like my father, falling down a flight of stairs and ending up in ICU) - He thinks this kind of behavior is normal (it's not) - He surrounds himself with people who are just like him (I cannot think of one friend that he has, who does not drink or smoke heavily)... And what sucks, is that I also have an alcohol abuse problem (that is a fact) - And I while I would drink regardless of his presence, being around Patrick enables me to drink more often... I see him choose alcohol every day, it's not a big deal... But it is a big deal, I feel like it is a big deal, I don't want to be this person anymore...

As for me - I lose just about everything in this breakup: I lose Austin (I cannot live here, knowing Pat is somewhere in the city, I'd get lonely, call him, we'd make up and be miserable together for another five years) - I lose Perry-cat (Pat said he would take her), all my foster kittens, AustinPetsAlive - I lose SoupPeddler, the Alamo Drafthouse, Hippie Hollow, ACL, SXSW, Tubing in San Marcos.... I lose my best friend of seven years (even if he gave up on me years ago).... I lose my stability and purpose and my sense of belonging somewhere....

What I get is: Anything I can fit in the trunk of my Mustang (probably clothes and camping gear) - I get Mom-dog (Patrick doesn't want her) - She makes traveling and working very difficult for me, but I cannot give her back to the Humane Society - I cannot do it, she is an amazing dog and a good friend - Because of her, I will not be modeling as I travel back home, since she has never traveled before, I am unsure how she would react being tied outside a studio...

Mom-dog and I leave Thursday - Headed home to Syracuse NY - It is a temporary thing, I will probably stay at my mom's place until the end of August - Get my bearings, figure out what's next.. I want to look into becoming a dog groomer (wouldn't that be a great job for me....!) - Eventually, if I got really good at it, I could even start my own business!.... I don't know. Rough draft right now.... Lets see how things go.