FiveNakedModels in LA

Looks like I am going to be in Los Angeles the exact same time that all Five Naked Models (Isobel, Carlotta, Fedora, Samantha, and Malloy) will be in California.. Whoooo!! While this trip is surely going to suck for money making (too much competition in one area, means much less cash) - I will say..... I am super excited about some hang out time. Haven't seen Isobel since April, when she flew into Vegas and we roadtripped to Coachella. Afterwards, we holed up at her friend Josh's place in Hollywood, both sick with the flu, sharing cold medicine for days - Haven't seen Fedora since June, when I returned from my Alaskan cruise and she was running around half naked, having some kind of sexy punkrock shootout at her place ... Both, Carlotta and Malloy, I do not know very well but there is always time..... Update: It also looks like Carly Erin, Angela Ryan. Engle Schrei (I seriously love this girl) - just keeps getting better!!

Those we think of during the Holidays: Dad

Two weeks after I turned 18..... My dad tumbled down a flight of stairs, busted his head up pretty badly, fell into a coma before the medics even arrived on the scene. He was flown to a trauma unit in the state of PA, about 5 hours from where our family was living at the time.

Four sleepless days and nights in a trauma ward. Watching priests come and go, praying over my father's motionless body, wondering if all the machines Dad was hooked up to were keeping him alive or if he was powering them with body heat. My younger brother and I spent most of our time, tucked away in the backseat of my uncle's mini-van, discussing how ridiculous PA was and how Dad could just not possibly die... just could not happen... in fact, we should just go home....

So much more to this story: Sharing my hotel bed with my mother, listening to her sob throughout the night (she has always been so strong). Analyzing my relationship with my father vs losing him altogether. At 18, having that crushing feeling.... that nothing is ever really under control... ever. Anything you love.... is free to leave at any time, without your consent. I was the one who answered the stupid plastic hotel phone - Had to break the news to my mom that her husband.... my father.... was completely braindead - no brain activity at all - zero. To this day, I still believe that the nurse thought that I was Mom...

This time of year is hard for me. I always wonder where I would be in my life, if he was still part of the household... Would I have finished school? Would I have ever got a chance to travel and model the way that I have? I remember once when I was 17, my father showed up at a hot-tub party in the woods. He was so pissed I was wearing nothing but a bikini, he pulled me out of the tub by the hair.... I wonder if my younger brother would have kept playing soccer, if Mom would have bought the porch swing she wanted, if dad's best friend would not have drank himself to death..... I wonder if things would have been better or if they would have been worse? Or maybe everything is just relative in the end? I really do not know - All I do know is that Christmas was Dad's favorite holiday.... and like many of you, I miss family that cannot be around this time of year....

Creeps me out when people mention that loved ones 'are always with you' or that 'they are watching you from another place'.... I enjoy solid things. I enjoy that my father was a Donor..... Disconnected from life support, his organs were donated to people all over the US. He gave life through death. Dad's heart went to a 40-year old man in Hersey PA with three young children, who used to write us from time to time. It is amazing to know that somewhere out there, a man who would have died of congestive heart failure, is spending Christmas with people who love him - All because someone gave the most unselfish gift possible...

Kicked out of Goodwill?

Few days ago I found myself trekking the back roads of Cleveland, exploring new routes to my apartment - Had just finished up with a two hour cardio session at my gym (a gym which seems to support the idea that everyone needs to discover Bikram yoga while running on treadmills).... and lo and behold! A Goodwill! (Oh how I love second-hand stores!) Whoo! So I pulled over, got out, and then realized that I was wearing nothing but a tiny white t-shirt, black spandex pants, and a pair of black stiletto boots from my backseat. But you know what? I did not care. I was all excited about shopping!!! So I walked in, started going through bins and tearing through racks, doing my thing. It was about then that I realized that all the Goodwill workers were all guys..... and all of them were staring at my ass. Ha. And mean, like staring.... and discussing... and staring... I felt like I was in one of those hidden camera shows or something. I mean, yes my ass is big and yes, it is super shiny in spandex, but this was just ridiculous..... I attempted to just keep shopping... but then felt this tap on my shoulder.... And when I turned around there was this lady-manager, arms crossed, looking like a mom and goes, "I think you better come back here when you can find some more suitable clothing...." And I was like, "You mean, you are kicking me out?" and she said, "Yep - nothin personal, just cannot have you walkin around dressed like that...." Haha.... And so it goes - I was kicked out of Goodwill. Guess Goodwill's goodwill only stretches so far, eh? (and yes, I know that Little Kitty has nothing to do with Goodwill or Spandex... but I miss him. Going back to Syracuse on the 22nd.... ! Whoo!)

Dallas/Puppies/Jade Vixen

I am in Dallas. Dave has this crazy habit of shooting several girls all in the same day..... Not sure if he enjoys the company or if he just loves watching multiple girls running around throwing clothes around, tackling eachother for makeup. There is always a minimum of three women booked (Today: Mallory, Jackie, and myself). I have met more models hanging out with Dave - than I ever met while I was traveling.

  Oooh - Last night, Dave bought Mallory a puppy! Isn't that exciting!? There was this big story about how he blamed himself for the loss of her and her boyfriend's last dog...... soooo last night... he bought them a new puppy! Should have been there. Dave called us while Mal and I were out running errands.... He told us Santa was coming to visit - and her and I kept looking at eachother, praying that when we got back, Dave would not be all dressed up in some Santa Clause outfit.... Weren't we surprised when we returned to the hotel and there was this pure-white, huggable eight week old puppy running around our room..... Since the puppy was a girl, Dave, of course, bought all this matching hot-pink puppy gear to go with it. Ha. This beautiful girly puppy with her blindingly pink collar.... still does not have a name. 

On a completely different note, it must be mentioned: Miss Jade Vixen, a model/dominatrix out of Philly was recently held up at gunpoint by some insane Follower/Fan. Forced to watch her boyfriend die, she was then abducted, molested, and was left to plead for her life - Ugh. Hearing things like this makes me sick. You need to understand that the Internet modeling community is a very tight community... where everyone knows everyone's business. Creeps are weeded out of the system eventually.....Obviously the fact that she Dommed is a large variable in the story, but she was also a very respected model in both the fetish and the art community... This situation hits a little too close to home. Like many models in the industry, I only know her by name and her work. But I cannot even imagine what she is going through.

Houston - Messygirl

For the first time in a very long time - I feel unsettled about traveling. It is odd, this feeling - Worrying about things that never bothered me before. Keep thinking that if I stay away from Ohio too long... My life in Cleveland will fall apart. That the dog won't be there or my side of the bed won't be there or that Pat will wander away or that his feelings will have changed for me - or worse, we will have that weird traveling-relationship that is not a real relationship - but a relationship on a schedule. I really do not want to go back to that... Mentioned to him tonight that if I worry too much, I am going to give myself that weird wrinkle in the middle of my forehead - the wrinkle that looks like a butt.... He says I am already a butthead - I washed my face in the shower with his butt-washcloth the other day.... ohhh ewww.... Really! Someone should label those things!

Houston is nice as usual. Weather in the 70s. Spent the last two hours hanging out with Darrell in the hottub.... jumping back and forth from the cold pool to the heated pool, singing songs underwater, making him guess what they were.... He says he could have guess Green Acres, but with all the water I kept choking on - was too difficult.

Been working with Darrell, since forever.... Houston was the very first city that I ever flew to - on a ticket - booked by someone else - specifically for modeling....

Ha. Well no. Not modeling.
I do not think that I would ever
consider Messygirl a modeling-job....
It is a messy job....

....It is a lot of fun, and I enjoy it more than any of my other fetish work. Obviously if you are not into women being completely covered in sugary-slush, it would not be your thing.... But you should have respect for it. I mean, my normal day consists of: Wake up at 10am to pie crust being baked, by 11am there is a table full of cool whipped pies, by noon I am usually covered and running around as a pie monster trying to fling coolwhip at Darrell, by 1pm I am showered, clean, and my hair smells like chocolate cake batter... I spend the rest of my day hanging out around the pool, reading books or working with friends and site-seeing. It is hardly a life to complain about (if I do ever get a butt in my forehead from worrying, you can tell me I am a total-lame-o..)

Got hooked up with Messygirl in 2005, because a photographer in NY shot some really cute, girly photos of me eating jelly donuts and getting all messy with them (photos are attached to this blog). Both the photographer and myself shot the photos for free... so I asked for equal rights. He said Yes. I asked him if I could locate an outlet to sell the images to - could I? He said Yes. So I sold them to Messygirl. Darrell and Leah thought I would be a good addition to the site. They flew me down here - and I have been flying down here, twice a year - ever since. It is nice, because we have history and I feel a bit like family now.....

Here till Friday, then visiting Dave in Dallas for awhile. Dave is another one of the photographers that I work with - whom I feel is more like family and less like work.

Back home (...refering to Cleveland as home from now on) December 9th, 5:30pm. - Whoot!

"I read this and thought of your travels...." - Tom

“There’s nothing to life but the living of it…hold still man, regain your love of life and go down from this mountain and simply be-be-be the infinite fertilities of the one mind of infinity. make no comments, complaints, criticisms, appraisials, avowals, sayings, shooting stars of thought, just flow, flow, be you all, be your what it is, it is only what it always is…so shut up, live, travel, adventure, bless and don’t be sorry.” - Jack Kerouac

Happiness in the C L E

It was incredibly hard packing up my car to drive out here to Cleveland - half the problem being that Matt had stayed over the night before. Dressed in his nearly-new blazer, he spent most of the morning asking me not to leave town. You throw Matt, my tired second-guessing brain into a blender... and the piles of my life sitting in the livingroom - and it... well..it was difficult to get moving.

My head kept tap-dancing to Austin, "Go to Austin *clickity click*Austin." My heart kept telling me to go to Cleveland.... While Cleveland itself is not much to look at.... the city is not nearly as bad as I expected it to be. My ex works for a local concert venue so there is always live music and good times to be found.... There is a fancy place up the road that does a dollar burger night, a really delicious hooka bar, and a cinema that serves beer and shows foreign films all at the same time! 

Our apartment consists of is my ex, his friend from college, his girlfriend, and myself .... oh, and a dog named Jake - who everyone thought was male but actually turned out to be female... regardless of the mix up, Jake decided to keep her name anyways. 
Still looking for a bartending job - once I have one - I shall let everyone know - Stop emailing me about it. It will happen when it does. 

JitterBug Perfume

Anyone on here ever read Tom Robbins? Picked up Jitterbug Perfume at a Garage Sale last year. I enjoyed Jitterbug Perfume so much - I gifted the book to Matt - informed him that he would probably like it ... the book goes off on little universal tangents now and then. Matthew read it, loved it, became a little bit obsessed with the symbol of the Beet that is scattered throughout the book.... Anyways, Matt bought a bunch of beets and has been cooking them, eating them, drinking their juices, and smushing them all over his face to rejuvenate his skin for the past week..... hahaha..... I took a picture.

This week has been a bit of a blur - Been busy trying to see everyone, trying not to spend tons money on stupid things (which is my ultimate favorite thing to do. I cannot have enough funny looking necklaces made of yarn). 

My friend took me to a Japanese Tea House in Syracuse.... one of those places where you take your shoes off and drink tea while sitting on little mats. I made him eat seaweed and rice balls...wish I had known about that place earlier.... I would have spent a lot of time there.

Quick writings: I rescued a chipmunk from my basement and set it free. Sweet potatoes with brown sugar are to die for! - Decemberists play in Ithaca tomorrow - whoooo! Found a canoe but I cannot figure out where to get paddles for it... can you rent them? My cat got in a cat fight a few days ago and now I have to feed him antibiotics and it is very difficult to get a cat to eat pills that are not made of Tuna. New music on my computer makes me happy. Whoever made the CDs that are colored, with itty bitty boy-handwriting - you musical taste is great. Matt likes your Soul song and I just like that you admit to listening to Paris Hilton. How about some of them Tom Robbins quotes, eh? “Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef” "When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.” "You should never hesitate to trade your cow for a handful of magic beans." "My personal motto has always been: Joy in spite of everything. Not just (mindless) Joy but Joy in spite of everything. Recognizing the inequities and the suffering and the corruption and all that but refusing to let it rain on my parade. And I advocate this to other people. “There's always the same amount of good luck and bad luck in the world. If one person doesn't get the bad luck, somebody else will have to get it in their place. There's always the same amount of good and evil, too. We can't eradicate evil, we can only evict it, force it to move across town. And when evil moves, some good always goes with it. But we can never alter the ratio of good to evil. All we can do is keep things stirred up so neither good nor evil solidifies. That's when things get scary. Life is like a stew, you have to stir it frequently, or all the scum rises to the top.” “If little else, the brain is an educational toy.” "It's never too late to have a happy childhood." "If you believe in peace, act peacefully; if you believe in love, acting lovingly; if you believe every which way, then act every which way, that's perfectly valid— but don't go out trying to sell your beliefs to the system. You end up contradicting what you profess to believe in, and you set a bum example. If you want to change the world, change yourself." "Nature isn’t stable. Life isn’t stable. Stability is unnatural. The only stable society is the police state. You can have a free society or a stable society. You can’t have both. Take your choice. "Human beings were invented by water as a device for transporting itself from one place to another." "In the Seven Dwarfs, only Dopey had a shaven face. This should tell us something about the custom of shaving." 
"As a child, I was an imaginary playmate." "Reality is subjective, and there’s an unenlightened tendency in this culture to regard something as ‘important’ only if it’s sober and severe. Your Cheerful Dumb are not so much happy as lobotomized. But your Gloomy Smart are just as ridiculous. When you’re unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. And you get to take yourself oh so very seriously. Your Truly Happy people, which is to say, your people who truly LIKE themselves, they don’t think about themselves very much. Your unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwelling on himself and start paying attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence." "There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better." "If God had a bumper sticker, it would probably read SHINE: DONT WHINE." "Beets. The beet is the most intense of vegetables. The radish, admittedly, is the more feverish, but the fire of the radish is a cold fire, the fire of discontent not passion. Tomatoes are lusty enough, yet there runs through tomatoes an undercurrent of frivolity. Beets are deadly serious." 

Bible Coloring Books

I can cook! I know this ..... because sometimes, Matt and I cook together..... and sometimes if/when I follow the recipes correctly, my stuff turns out delicious (go me!). And other times..... I turn the cooking over to Matthew - because neither him nor I want to deal with scraping burnt pasta from the bottom of a pan, pretending it tastes edible.

Tonight, in attempt to assist Matthew in his dinner-makin' - I located my old handy-dandy...Bible Coloring Book! Found it a few days ago....bought it on a whim last year while hitting up the local Dollar General... Who in their right mind would want to color an Ox drowning to death in a flood? Or the photo of Cain killing Abel? "Pass the red crayon, please. *ahem* The blood red crayon please?... Thank you." Personally I enjoy the slang they use... "God grumbled at the Hebrews...."  

Last night Jeff's little venue coffee-house had a music show for Miss Emily Wells who was doing a musical tour. Nothing like seeing a really cute girl, jamming on a ukulele, ocovering Notorious BIG with a bunch of great friends. 

I's gots no internet this week...

Writing this from my Grandmother's house... either the weather in Central NY is affecting my Internet connection or the Cranberry juice I accidentally dumped all over my computer last week fried something important. Either way... there is no Internet - no way, no how.... 

 Wish I had something exciting to tell you about.... but when life is slow.....stories are slow. Hanging out with friends this week - trying to see everyone before I leave town. Still doing the bartending classes. Graduate Thursday night. I really enjoy making drinks.. if only I can remember the difference between a BayBreeze and SeaBreeze, life should be good..

Trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Pretty much, no matter what I do, I keep returning to the same two options over and over again - Cleveland (which I am leaning towards because it is full of love, warmth - yet snow, sleet, hail, ice, buses, big coats, living in a basement), Austin (warm weather, mustang, flipflops, outdoor bars to bartend... but lonely, on my own, starting over alone, always alone). 

What to do? What to do? What to do? I feel like I should just pick something different so I stop focusing on these only two options... The other day, Tracy told me that I am afraid of commitment. Personally, I do not believe that is true (yet here I am, dwelling on the idea... ) I don't know. Do you think I am afraid of commitment? I feel like my problem is less of a commitment thing... and more like a fear of living a life that is monotonous - Relationships become monotonous...... I also know that when I am in a relationship, I have a habit of forgetting everything that is important to me outside of said-relationship... including dreams, people, life, friends, freetime. I do it often and it makes me sad. It is hard to keep both a relationship with someone you love in one hand and then everything that you have aspired to do in the other.. especially when it involves traveling and moving around - I guess in the perfect world, you would be able to combine the two but like most circumstances, including mine.... That is just not possible. What am I going to do if I move to Cleveland? Buy a sunlamp? I feel like getting rid of the blog. I feel like I am letting people down - so many depressing emails about what I should do with my life... Guess I should get going, need to go pick Matt up before heading off to class. Hope you are all doing well.

Keeper of the Car-Keys

Today I got pulled over by this cop who was rather stuffy looking. "License and registration, Miss?"... Scribble scribble scribble. "Know why I pulled you over?" I shake my head, "No sir, I do not." "You were doing 84 in a 65..." Scribble scribble. And then he leans over my windshield and goes, "Awww Miss, please do NOT tell me that THAT is your inspection sticker...." He pulled down his glasses and made this scrunched up look .... "It is from 2005!!! "

And so it goes....Finally dropped my car off for the NY State inspection.

And of course, they called me a few hours ago asking for the ransom that

shall have to relinquish. $885 worth of repairs and three days without my car. *ka-pow* Take that!

Went for a long walk last night and it felt like I was the only person alive. It was so quiet, like someone just pressed the pause button. Sometimes I feel old... I feel young too - all at once. Like a ghost.... In fact, sometimes I feel more like a ghost than a person, but that heartbeat in my ears starts fluttering - reminding me that I must be alive - at least a little bit. Strolled by my old place. Took my shoes off and walked around on my old lawn, I would have worried about the people inside the house, but everything was on Pause anyways, so it did not bother me much. Kept thinking about all the dead animals buried in that old backyard, mostly gerbils and small mice. Used to be desperately afraid that my pets would come back as zombie rodents and try to get back into the house through the wall under my bed. I probably thought that because I watched Pet Cemetery too often when my mom was not home...

Words.

I love words. This morning, after re-reading a few of my previous posts, I decided that I need to work on broadening my vocabulary away from "awesome," "lovely,".... Perhaps search for some new compelling new rhetoric wrap around my vocal cords.. words like, "factitious" or "unbeknownst" or perhaps "erroneous zonas"... 

Since I am no longer spending three hours a day on MM, I have made a New Years Resolution to browse my Thesaurus for at least 30 minutes a day... Lets hope that in the next few months, I can do you better than, "awesome" eh? 

  While I was in Cleveland last week, I wrote this great long blog entry about all the things happening out there.... my feelings..... personal stuff like that. About six paragraphs in... my computer crashed.... Guess what you need to know is that I fucking miss my ex-boyfriend... I miss him. I miss his fuzzy face. I miss the way that we fit into bed together... I miss stupid things like how he reads his comics that I cannot figure out why they are funny but he laughs and it is cute. And all our personal jokes that no one outside us would understand. And how he has these huge arms that can wrap around me almost twice.... How he fills this emotional void with invisible arms that can wrap around that void.... like twice.... He is one of my best friends. Even now.... I miss him so much when he is not around. 

Should I persue life in Cleveland for the winter - or move down to Austin to start a new life and hope he follows sometime? 
I just do not know. I want both my ex and I want Austin - together.. I promise I will not turn this into some kind of gushing girly-blog. 

Managed to get some things done this week - like tomorrow I will be starting bartending classes here in Syracuse.... 5-10:30pm, four days a week.... all made possible by NYS Educational Department. Planning on starting a DeviantArt page to cope with the loss of my ModelMayhem site.... While I do not need to model, I do need art in my life.

Oct 10th - The Day I Ran from Modeling

... The day that I ran away from modeling" - Woke up yesterday and could not imagine another day of running around NYC - I know that it is irresponsible but I canceled all my shoots for the week and jumped on a train to Penn Station. I called my modeling friend, Model T, asked if it would be OK if I stay at her house for a few days in PA. She got all giddy over the phone. I arrived in PA twenty-four hours ago. Model T is a slightly a pinup model. She is also a mom to a teenager. I think she senses that I am having a hard time. We spent the evening  baking homemade cookies and listening to her sister put on this incredible piano recital in the basement. Her sister just finished her Masters in composing. I feel like I am in a better place here. I wish that I could stay longer.

Gave T half my wardrobe this morning .... Canceled my ModelMayhem account a few hours ago.... I am unsure what I am doing - but I need to change my life.... I do not want to model anymore. Maybe I can just take a break for a year or two?? I mean, I love my job when I love it. I just do not love it right now. Does that make sense? Feel like I have lost a lot of myself.... sometimes I do not respond to my real name anymore. I am not London, London is a fictional character that I created. Particularly, the past few months have really been hard on me..... Instead of enjoying my work, I have felt forced into it...... I want to love my job again - but right now, I do not.... it is just that simple. 

If I can get my head straight again... Definitely try to make my Europe trip happen... I am set on that. Even if I only manage a little part of Europe, I will be happy.... In the meantime, wish me luck with whatever hell comes next.... ... because I sure as hell do not know...... Today I head to Cleveland, I want to go home for Halloween... .. and then I am dead-set on a roomate and an apartment in Austin....

RailRoad Lines

Staying at Model T's place (photo on right) in Pottstown PA was very pleasant. While sadly, she spent most of her time working her 40-hour.... I, in turn, spent most of my time hanging out with her son, Patrick. Patrick has a culinary arts degree, is just about my age, works as a line chef at a local restaurant called the Icehouse... Something about him reminds me of my friend Jason back home.... it is all around the eyes....

Patrick and I did sushi at this great hole-in-the-wall place and he explained to me just how they fry-icecream (for those of you who guessed frozen icecream and cornflakes, congrats!)... hung out with a 6-pack each later that night, talking about how much it sucks being lonely... cause it really... does...suck...being lonely. We traded stories for awhile. His story followed something along the line of "Meet girl of dreams, fall deeply in love, find out she is married a month later..." Him and I both agree that married people are untouchable. They bring un-to you - bad karma in all other relationships......

Days later - left my car in PA, jumped the train to NYC - two backpacks, a laptop, a schedule, and some hope that things will just magically fall into place. Not gonna lie, I was definitely worried for awhile - Not only was I stuck at the train station in Hicksville for four hours, nibbling on cold pizza, watching it downpour outside - wishing, that for just a minute or two, that I could have my car back... But I had two major cancellations, no place lined up to sleep all weekend, a battery-dead laptop, an empty ipod. I sat there.... swinging my feet for a few hours.... waiting for Kim's shoot to end, trying to strike up conversation with strangers who would have no part in conversing..... It actually got to the point where I began contemplating whether or not it would be worth just getting back on the train and heading home.... sometimes, things just do not feel right....

But it has since worked out pretty nicely.

Kim did pick me up after her shoot - and we have been having a good time out in Long Island... I love working with another model because shoots stay on track, everything goes by faster..... Oooh and as for a place to crash, as I was getting off the subway train tonight.... It just hit me!!!!! I do fucking know someone in the city! My friend Fritz moved out here last month!!! While we do not talk all that often, he is a really good friend of mine - not sure if you have friends like that. Friends where you do not need to talk to them every month but you will be friends for life, just because you are. Not sure how to describe our relationship - he is someone I love, someone that I am horribly attracted to, someone I have great chemistry with. But is also someone that I could never-in-my-life date - we both laugh about it all the time.... He demands too much, I am too free willed - you do not know how impossible we are. Regardless of all that, though.... He is exactly the type of guy where I could call him any hour of the night (which I did).... and tell him that I am in the city, minutes away, and need a place to crash (which I did).... and be sitting on his couch, shooting the shit, an hour later (which I am)... - And it is simply nice. That is what it is.

Tomorrow is Brian Diaz's place: a photographer, friend, a moderator on MM (ooooh, the man and the myth....) Shoots start at 8am, so I need to get crashing... like right about three hours ago... : )

Sometimes...

..... I wonder.....

Victor is the Shiz-izzle

Genuinely elated.... Not only has my body been Doctored-Up - but my mustang has been Doctored-Up as well.... Victor put my car back together - New rotors, new brakes, a little bit of air in the tires. No longer drives like a boat but more like a rockstar - a total rockstar. If it came down to it - I would just explain to you that my car is kind of like an extension of myself...... When my car feels bad, I also feel bad. When my car is having a good day, I also have a good day. If I wanted to visualize perfect-content happiness: It would consist of myself... driving across Utah, with this endless sky above my head, clean air for miles, rain off in the distance, no other cars on the road - in my mustang - top down - really good music.. If my car could visualize happiness - I would hope it would choose that memory too.

Victor's family is the bomb-diggity. He married this hot super-mom who can make a pie, juggle two kids, and stand on one foot and sing all at the same time - She could do anything. And his kids are awfully cute (You'll never catch me saying that again... ha...) It was a really nice break, hanging out at his place.... Next time, I visit - I am bringing Matthew and we are going to camp in Victor's giant backyard... yup yup


This evening, I will be staying with Model T in Pottstown, PA. She is *also* the Shiz-izzle.... a retro-bombshell tucked away in the depths of the state of Pennsylvania. Only spending a night or two out there, grabbing a ride to the train station, and off to NYC I shall go. This is going a very strange trip for me. I love NYC.... and while I am incredibly thankful that Matt is still currently in Syracuse - I cannot remember a time where he was not in NYC. He was around even before I started modeling..... I would pick him up and we would do dinner, or bubble-tea, or Central Park. We would have little mini-adventures - ferries to Staten Island, nights by the river, concerts in the park, long walks absolutely nowhere.... and then of course, there's Patrick. He was always my main reason for visiting NY. But he left me and is gone as well, somewhere off in Cleveland. Point is: That this will be my first trip to the city - specifically for work and nothing else. Have no real place to stay - a few nights at a hotel here, a motel there, maybe a friend of a friend's place.... it is all kind of sad, I guess. I do not know how I will adjust to that.....

Traveling with Kimberly Marvel for a few days while in NYC. That should be fun.

Fixin the Mustang...

In the past year and a half, I have put over 50,000 miles on my car. The mustang broke a few times before (brakes went out in Utah, transmission almost died, ball joint popped, windshield cracked, ect). But it has never been as bad as the present, the poor thing is dragging ass .....like metal crunching metal behind the break pedal, grinding, I hear things dragging under the car - although when I look I do not see anything (my car is so tricky!). It will barely stop at stop signs anymore, I have been using my emergency break a lot and often - it is incredibly dangerous to drive.....

Luckily........ (and how cool is this?) a really awesome guy down in Lusby MD reads this blog - and he fixes mustangs! And he offered to help me fix it up this weekend! So I am headed down south from DC area to hang out with both him and his wife for two days... His girly is even cooking a meal for me.... !!! Oh I am all excited....

Merry-Land - and BellyButtons

So I am back at work. Definitely did not take enough time off..... but have you ever known me to sit still very long? Booked a trip down to Maryland and DC area days after the surgery, very last minute. Figured that if I could suck in my stomach and pretend to be pretty for awhile, I could raise enough money to move down to Austin in November..... so far, so good....

Been an incredibly busy week, hope you have not held it against me - Have not been able to blog in quite awhile..... Stopped in Harrisburg on my way down here, shot with a 20 year old named Corwin Prescott... He is the cutest little thing ever - right out of photography school, sporting a Gilligan's Island hat. IrisSilks hired me for their new line of PJs. Went out to dinner with SlyHorse Studio.... Kevin, the owner who runs the studio has literally changed the MD/DC/VA area so much by setting that place up - All the amatuer photographers who used to shoot with in their dirty creepy livingrooms, now pay the $35 an hr fee for the studio.... Few days ago, I shot with Antar, a 23 year old photographer here in MD who actually knows the lyrics to the Little Unicorn soundtrack... yup, that is correct... AND Antar is not a homosexual....! Totally rocked out those tunes.... while his MUA kept saying, "Stop moving, stop it, stop moving..." And the music kept playin.... Last night I worked with Mickle Design Werks till about midnight, we got some beautiful images that I am really proud of..... I just love that he gets to work with Mosh so much, we looked at pretty Mosh photos all evening, and I was so happy....

My mornings here always start late - Like right now, it is 2pm and I am still in bed, eating a peach, trying to figure out if I want to go to the costume store and buy a wig or if I want to continue to lie here and eat this peach? ..... Peach wins..... I love coming to MD because I stay with my friend Richard, he lets me lay around the house all morning....

Have to tell you this!! So earlier this week I worked with a model who kind of looked like me. Same height and weight, tiny waist.... I was amazed and blurted out something stupid like. "Wow, I never meet girls who are built like I am..." And she goes, "Oh hunny, no no no - I am not natural! Got my waist through liposuction - see *she pulls her thong down and points adamently to an indentation just above her pubic hair* See that? That is my real bellybutton, the one right here *pointing to the middle of her stomach* is fake. They had to make that one..." Wow, so let it be known that.... fake bellybuttons are just as creepy as real bellybuttons....

Fetishes:

Went out to dinner the other night with a friend of mine. While eating some yummy pizza, we got on the topic of Fetish Work. Which led several of the strange fetishes I have come across in my modeling career.... Never have I realized how many great stories I cataloged in my brain since I first started...

(this is actually a re-post from 2007... but thought it would be fun to put it up again.... )

Fetish of Feet: There are photographers who photographph them. There photographers who pay to worship them (Rub them, paint them, lick them, wash them, Pedicure them, sniff them) - there are also the ones that hire me to walk on them in heels or stockings. In Germany, Stomping is a fetish - where they step on small animals (I do not do that fetish). Sometimes the foot guys buy my old worn out boots, sometimes they want to smell my shoes, sometimes they steal my socks when I am not looking and I have to go barefoot all day.....

Fetish of Aprons: Got hired for the first time this year in TN to do apron fetish. Which is basically a girl - in an apron - making cookies or dinner. I think that is a Freudian thing, dontchathink? Wanting to bend your mom over while she bakes you cookies?

Fetish of Tummy Torture: Watching girls lay on pointy objects, like forks, upright markers, ect.

Fetish of Tickling: This is a huge fetish, I have done at least ten tickle shoots in my modeling career.... mostly in NYC. Girl gets tied up and tickled.... those are really hard shoots, because you literally laugh for about 2 hours... until your head wants to explode.

Fetish of Hair: Last year I got hired several times, by the same guy, to brush my hair.... I would just sit in the corner of his office and brush my hair.... I did not even think he noticed me. But he kept hiring me back.

Fetish of Everyday Things: There are people who are turned on by the following: Hair drying, face washing, applying make up, putting on just lipstick, trying on wigs, trying on clothes, putting on your shoes.... they pay good money for all that stuff too.

Fetish of Casts: Did my first cast fetish this year.... had two leg casts put on. Quite a lot of fun hobbling up the stairs without any kneecaps.... ha. The guy who hired me runs a cast-fetish website. He was telling me about one of his fans who hopped over a cash register line in TX, to lick (yes lick!) the sale's woman's cast. Yuppers!

Fetish of WAM: (Wet and Messy) It is the actual name for the fetish... although, I usually do not get to do the clean side of it (showers, pools, washing cars) - I get the messy side of it.

Fetish of Shaving: Was hired to shave my armpits once.... that was just weird.

Fetish of Potty Training: This is one of those fetishes that I do not do, but I have run into on several occasions.....the first time I heard of it, I was shooting with a gal named Mistress Vivian from NYC and in casual conversation I asked, "So what do you do full-time?" And she was like, "Oh I potty train" and I was like, "Oh really! Puppies are so cute!" And she was like, "No, I shit on people for a living....." And I thought that was awesome. Because her fulltime job is shitting.... you are probably making faces but seriously - she shits and pays her bills.

Fetish of Dead People: A bit new to me, but I guess people are really into it. I get hired to show up and pretend I am dead.... I pretend I am dead on the couch, dead on the floor, dead in the bathroom.... It is easy modeling-dead when you are half asleep on the floor. Weird thing is, that the guys who hire me for that stuff - tend to be the coolest dudes - the first ones took me out to lunch at a noodle shop, the second one offered to let Matt and I stay at the awesome hotel he booked after the shoot....

Fetish of Pony Riding: People dressed in pony gear! I love them! I got to own a pony for a few hours, while I was down at Fetish Con last year.... I pranced him around the lobby - it was a good time.

Fetish of Wrestling Women: Is a very big thing and it is always fun because I get to work with other models. Example: First time I ever met Isobel Wren, I had her in a headlock... : )

Fetish of the Giantess: Ever see the Pamela Anderson Video with the little people running all over her? That is actually a fetish. Basically people make little bitty houses, and they shoot up at me stomping on them....

Fetish of Ballbusting: Tracy did this one! Go T-Racy! It is where you sign a release saying that you will not be held responsible for any damage - and you just kick a guy in the balls for an hour.....

Fetish of Drowning: This was a first - While in Tampa this year, Tracy and I both pretended to get die horrible deaths underwater. Guess there is a big fan base for that... who knew?

Fetish of Balloons: Watching women sit and step on Balloons... Not going to lie, sitting on balloons is completely frightening.... stepping on them is fun though.

Fetish of Eating Fish/Swallowing: Almost did this one... almost. Even went shopping to buy the fish, but then they looked so happy being alive and swimming around - that I just gave up. Plus, if I ate one - my karma would be worse than it already is.... Hmmm... Fish are not my thing anyways.

While the majority of my work is 90% Art/Glam Photography.... Fetish work is what makes modeling fun. Without it - it would just be studio lights and paper backgrounds all the time.