Thursday, August 14, 2008

Tracy leaves for Poo-kip-see...

Dropped Tracy off at the train station this morning. So weird to see someone that I have spent so much time with, eat a bagel, hop a train, gone with the wind. I am sure it is just seperation anxiety, not as though I will not be seeing her in less than a week at the Con - it is just so strange being so close to someone and watching them leave your life so quickly - I am all lonely and stuff....

Sure all this lonliness ties into my recent Cleveland trip as well.... All of me craves to be with him, around him, near him - but flipside, I want nothing to do with him right now.. I will continue to believe that someday we will end up together - that things will work out - I want them to.... but for the time being, our lives are really seperate right now and I need them to be that way....

Actually writing this entry from the backseat of my family's car. We are driving out to Cape Cod for a week to celebrate family vacation... this is an annual event, where my mom's side of the family gets together and they rent out a giant house that will fit 40 people... we hold lots of clambakes and volleyball tournaments. Always a good time... the only downside is that I am not allowed to talk about my job, so that cuts off a giant portion of my conversation and my life - I feel handicapped. I talk about the weather, the color of the bathrooms, the shape that the bugs make in the dirt as they crawl across the back porch - feels so senseless....

Figure this week I will concentrate on catching up with my book list... the past few months of driving, working, and sight-seeing has really eaten my personal time for saturating myself in well written words.... First book on the list Marley and Me.


forestviking said...

Hi London,
again a very open, honest and detailed description of the state of the moment You are living. Thank You for that!
It makes it possible in a way to get a glimpse of Your day, very nice, Your positiveness is hopping over.
"Real things grow, if they get shared", some song I came across lately, norwegian original song.

It sounds very right to be believing in things turning out right in the future, they will.

Again, You are right, senseless conversation, it is, must be very hard to feel that the one part( maybe the most) of You, that makes You very happy and excited with lots of lovely people, chances, occasions, is not even permitted to talk about.
You creating Your own living, loving it (apart from some rain showers) and still not being worth a single question how things are going, that is too bad.
Sounds like You are seen much different from how You see Yourself.

Wouldn't it be so nice if those two sights could integrate into one tolerable and understanding ?
Maybe not this very moment, but eventually ....? Maybe You can give it some time?

Any of Your family ever read Your blogg?
Any comments hints about it?
Any form of appreciation / enthusiasm understanding/ acceptance due to it?
You sound quite happy with what You 're doing, mostly, does that count at all?

I think You already have acchieved great things that You should be proud of. Not to stop now, but just to look at it and be happy about it.

wish You all the best, keep to Yourself, it's all You can do.

it's one of the hardest things in the world to feel real appreciation for something that one really does not have any feeling / opinion about, let it be parents, children, a boyfriend ....
just because it means so much to the other!

Usually it's black and white, no colours, no gray tones, too easy....
wrong way of looking again....

PD said...

Sounds like you have a real, good friend in Tracy. After spending that much time together, that's a friend you dont lose. Understand completely. I'm kinda in the same boat you're in. Want to be with someone, but you cant. Go out and live/experience everything you possibly can, and NEVER lose that optimism you have. Like I said before, you make me wish I wasn't so much of a cynic. :)