When I was 16, I lived in Boston for awhile - Attended Lesley Art College for summer classes, hung out by Fenway, watched a famous AllStar practice from a rooftop. Made a few friends, traveled on the T, lived with some aunts and uncles for awhile.... In the present, most of my extended family resides in Boston (now, including my little brother and my step-sister) - Lots of family means lots of free places to crash and lots of transportation around the city.... Yet never before, have I ventured up into the Northeast for modeling jobs - Reasoning? - I absolutely abhor trying to keep my "family life" separate from my "modeling life" - It does things to my Psyche that I cannot repair.... In my home life (also known as my real-life and happy life), my boyfriend supports my job, my roommates know what I do and embrace it (they even let photographers shoot at the house), my close friends enjoy my work, even my Mom will occasionally chat with me about modeling - I love it! With a great group of people backing me like that - I am so happy where I am! I am proud of how far I have come in this industry - I am excited that I have been able to travel the country, make beautiful images, experience great things..... I love the freedom, the people I meet, the stories I have to tell....
....And then I see my Family - It is like a big black cloud descends upon my rose colored glasses - Inky smudged and grease fingered.... My extended family does not know what I do and I do not want them to...... How do you explain to someone who did the "all American thing" and went to college, got married, had kids, makes great money, wove a security net.... That you have no interest in that kind of life right now? My family manages to make me feel ashamed, childish and unaccomplished - Two years ago, I burst out in tears at a family function because my uncle decided to have a discussion about how I was an "embarrassment" to the family, how I was ruining my Mom's life, and about how selfish it was for me to stop attending college.... What to do in those situations? Telling the truth is not an option, my mother would be completely appalled if I announced my career choice to her siblings.... So..... Instead, I get defensive - I starting creating elaborate stories and lies to cover up what I really do.... "Oh, I have a part-time job! Oh I am thinking about getting married! Oh I want kids! I am thinking of enrolling in school next year! We are going to buy a house! I might get a new car"
And that hurts me a lot. I am not that person - That is not who I want to be.... I like my naked job (a lot). I do not want to get married right now. I want a dog from PetsAlive to play catch with. I will go to school when I am ready. I want to live in a dozen more places before I settle down - I LOVE my rusty old mustang convertible....
Tomorrow I headed to Boston - I am staying with my Aunt in Reading MA... This is the first time I have ever modeled in Massachusetts (for the above reason alone) - Do wish me luck! If I survive an entire week of denying who I really am and pretending I am someone else.... I..... should..... be.... totally... nuts... right!? When I get home, perhaps I will start asking Pat if he wants to adopt babies from the Amazon Jungle or I will beg him to let me move into one of those ugly, cookie cutter suburbs in Round Rock that are all that strange puke green color..... *please, please - let this week be easy*
16 comments:
Good luck London. Here's hoping that the wind catches that black cloud and blows it away.
=)
Be yourself. As long as YOU are happy within yourself, and the people who are close to you and who love you know and accept you and your own life choice, that's all that matters.
I've done the "family and job with prospects" stuff, and I wasn't happy. I now do what I want, for less pay, but I'm happy and the people around me are happy.
You stick to what you like and what you want to do.
Good luck! Dealing with family issues is tough (it drives me crazy too). I can't imagine what you have to go through every time though (I'd be a basket case). Anyway best of luck, and try not to take anybody's head off....
You know what J? Sometimes I feel that we know you better than your own family knows you and that's sad. We can't choose our families but we try to make the best out of the hand we've been dealt with. Unfortunately, too many families (mine included) seem to have children in order to impress their friends with how "well" they turned out. Of course, this is provided that you do everything THEY want you to do. Forget that you have your own ideals and goals and definition of what makes YOU happy. Families, like society, often love to pull out those marionette strings to mold and manipulate you according to their own selfish ideals. You do what makes you happy sweetie, it's your life (of which you've only been given one), your body and your decisions. I sincerely think life should be about being truly happy and experiencing all the wonderfulness out there, not living the life of a billion drones stuck out in the suburbs where everyone looks and lives likes everyone else. Blahhhhh! Best of luck to you hun and tons of HUGZ for you. You know you're a special kinda gal just like we do. Remember: You can never please everyone; someone will always have a bug up their arse about something when it comes to you. Embrace the good in your life and ride it to the moon baby. Muah!
Yeah lopez you are a beautiful and super multi faceted person just relax about it, Stop thinking about it when it comes up deal with it otherwise enjoy your family and don't expect to be understood, you understand yourself thats should be good enough. Don't let others water down your soul, your here for you. I love you see you in a couple weeks.
Good luck. We love you just the way you are. Do what makes you happy. It is your life live it with happiness and no regrets! Hugs, love, and luck from all of my family to you. #3 in june!
I know this will be of little or no comfort but, from where I sit, you are hardly "unaccomplished."
Whenever I read about your latest adventures on your blog, I feel a mixture of admiration and envy. I'm a good deal older than you but you have already done and experienced more amazing, wonderful things than I could ever hope to.
Unlike me, you are not paralyzed by indecision, insecurity and uncertainty, leading a life without purpose or passion. Instead of following the herd, you are following your heart. If only more of us had the courage and the wisdom to do the same.
In the words of the noted existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre, "Shine on, you crazy diamond."
I am sitting on an Amtrak bus right now to Boston (never knew Amtrak owned buses?)... And all I know is that I really enjoy the term "crazy diamond"...
Perhaps I will survive the week... perhaps...
I hope you survive the family visit emotionally unscathed.
You know London, your double life makes it tough but it also makes you a SUPERHERO!! Right, I mean they have the same problems you have with the real life so, I say you are a superhero. I think so anyways and I read about your adventures like they have in comics so, there. Just know that family opinions are mostly over-rated in my opinions. Just live your life so that you are happy, that's the secret of life after all.
Your bud in Joplin, mo
Doug
Damn looks like the only time you will be up here and I have no idea or project worth taking up your time.
Boo on me!
Best of luck kiddo!
AD G
Dear London, it is a normal thing for most people that they want to have affectionate relations with their family. But for that we all have to accept the others us they are. Being yourself you'll show them how happy you are in your life, and this should be enough for them to be happy for you, even if you are not exactly the woman they would have imagine you will be ! If they are not, you will be sad but you can't do anything to change the things. By playing a rôle to fit to their desire, I do not think this will solve anything, not for you nor for them ! I share your feelings and
I wish you all the best, lovely London
FG
I say "Tell them" then the when the fainting has end and the yelling starts -- tell them to Suck It -- If you can't be honest then what is the point?? Your are not hurting any of them -- You are not "using" the family name... You like who you are -- we do to... They will just have to live with who you are. Show them some of the work you are proud of -- keep the stuff back you are not. Not everything is perfect - but you are happy.
I think you hit it exactly right with te your last line --- Pray on it! He will tell you what to do.
would really like to be able to say sth that helps You in Your dilemma, but I can't so easily.
Very unfair of this uncle to confront You with such emotionally loaded terms.
Suppose he is a lot older than You.
could feel how it hurt to be pretending.
So good to hear Your Mom supports You. WOW !!
agree totally with all other comments here !
You can not live the live of Your relations, but
they can't live Your life either.
Theirs is based upon security, financial dependence and a job that securely supplies money enough to leed this life.
To get such a job some education is necessary.
Their parents have done the same, their children will...
Their values are so different from Yours and vice versa.
No one ever dares to live such a wonderful live as YOU do daily.
No one can ever understand how it it to be "out " of this financial dependence with all it's obligations that bind the entire life to working a lot, to make all the money one needs...
few have the courage to quit the life they don't like , but some do, like Dave, f. ex.
or me ;-) as You know,
even fewer have even more courage not even to start such a life but go for their own ideas and ideals that make them happy inside themselves
and strong
and powerful
and happy with life what it brings
and know that the real things in life are priceless, not in shops ...
Lots of this joy and power shines through the lines of this blog, makes You so attractive and refreshing for the soul to read and follow.
Listen to Your heart, it will tell you all.
the universe helps always, as You well know
hope You don't mind this little excursion
good You distinguish between family and extended family!
hugs from the North
keep YOURS !!! up
and have a wonderful week and weekend
M.
Wow London I enjoyed reading your post. Im sorry for your family not having anyone to stand up to them and tell them to shut the ***# up. Bottom line your a grown women making your own money doing something you love. Its impossible for you to please everybody LOL. Trust me you'll feel better if you just say what you feel and tell them off. Cause they are going to say what they want regardless if you say something or not.
The brutal honest of your post juxtaposed against the amazing photos that we made together really does illustrate visually the conflict that you have to face. You can avoid Boston all together, but you risk not being able to create such beautiful art with new people that you have met along the way. Is it going to be possible to separate the location from the family and the history? Time will tell. All I know is that I feel lucky to have captured you the way I did when I did.
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