Monday, May 19, 2008

Canceled my Flight to Cleveland...

Canceled my flight to anywhere actually
... I am a total mess.
Huge breakdown - I cannot breathe

I want to tell you how I feel but
Everytime I type something - I end up crying

You have to realize, without him, I have no real
drive to do anything - I have nowhere to go.

Should drive back home? Or keep driving aimlessly?
Thinking about canceling all my bookings. I just want
to be alone. I probably deserved this for traveling all the time...
I get so scared when I realize that I have no one to talk to right
now about my life.... I do not think I have ever felt so broken.

15 comments:

Kev said...

Don't go through this alone. Call somebody. Even if its just to cry, a friend'll understand. Don't know what triggered it, but don't keep it bottled up, it just makes it worse.

Need I add, hugs? Everyone needs 'em, so sending a big one out.

bebop29406 said...

You are never alone, you have many friends that are just a click or call away.

London Andrews said...

I have a million acquaintances and a million people that I am "close" to... but such a small handful of friends that understand - they are all so far away and difficult to reach... the one person that I would call, is the one person that I cannot call.... nor do I wish to call....

*sigh* I could totally use that hug right now... like a million at once, like a pile up - type - of - hug....

I am going to go sit in the shower until I work something out - all the best ideas happen while sitting in the shower - I swear it.

PD said...

Like Kev, I am sending you hug too. Bear hug for that matter. Do not keep it bottled up. Just let it out. Those friends will be there for you. Like bebop said, just a click away.

(I hope this does not add to the problem)I think you should keep on going. I can read the joy you get when work with someone that brings out that energy. I think you would truly miss it. That, and the experiences inbetween the shoots. Yes they are all not good, but I am sure there are some you will take with you always.

Hope the shower worked, & remember, you are not alone. Hope that smile that we are all familiar with comes back very soon.
PD

Anonymous said...

Allow me to send you a hug darlin'. Even if it's someone who lives far away, a good venting session with someone you trust always works wonders. Keeping something that is bothering you locked up inside is not healthy, emotionally and otherwise. Go to an amusement park, have a movie marathon while you pig out, go to youtube and overdose on stuff you remember fondly from your childhood (I can't tell you how many times I've become a kid again when I go there) or just have a good, long sleepathon. You CAN have fun while being alone. It may actually be therapeutic (I agree about the shower). You're human just like everyone else and we all have to deal with the bs and drama that sometimes accompanies this strange and varied journey we call life. You're such a positive and beautiful person (I enjoy your weekly vlogs so much). I hope whatever is on your mind can be resolved and I thank you for allowing us into your life. Many of us out here do care about you. Even though I don't know you personally, I Love You as a fellow human being who deserves to find their happiness just like everyone else. A gijillion hugs to you. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

brothertheo said...

Ack! I just read today's blog :( I don't know what happened, but you have my sympathy and support.

I know I'm not one of the small handful, but as others have said tonight, you're always welcome to call or email - I have an ear all warmed up and ready for you to bend if you need it.

Take a million hugs out of petty cash, I'm pretty sure I have some more around here somewhere. ;)

Envy said...

*huge ass fucking hug*

I'd let you call me and rant for as long as you wanted, but my phone is turned off for I suck at paying my cell bill on time.

I hope everything pans out for you doll.

jcalexander said...

If you need to cry, cry...let it happen, make it happen, squeeze these feelings out like a wet rag...I think you'll find that starts you toward a better frame of mind.

And I'm not being condescending merely...I'm a man, twice your age, and I've been in a place like where you are many times. When you choose a path that doesn't coincide with the expectations others have of you, loneliness is the price you sometimes pay...it can be painful, and only you can decide if it's worth it.

Maybe you can postpone some shoots, take some time for yourself...fatigue could be catching up with you. Go sightseeing, take in a movie or a concert or a comedy club. Find something you can laugh at.

Add another psychic hug to the others you're getting tonight...and start fresh tomorrow. Sleep really does help, I promise you.

Jeff Alexander
jcalexander@harbornet.com

Annette said...

Hey London:

We have no idea what happened, but when that anxiety attack hits, do what I do. (May sound crazy but I swear, it works).

Sleep with a teddy bear. :-)

Then when you rise, drink a cup of hot tea and find one of those positive thinking DJ's on the radio.

sfmoe.com said...

whatever you are going through im sorry :( ... *HUG*

special-j said...

I'm so sorry, hon. I will add my hug to the piles of them that you are receiving (and deserve). Please feel free to give a call or stop by if you need a shoulder upon which to lean or an ear into which to vent.

You should take whatever time you need for yourself. Soak up some nature, indulge yourself, and find some pleasure there.

London Andrews said...

Tea and positive thinking DJ. : ) That is very "me" thing to do, surprisingly... ha, I shall try that.

My boyfriend of four years years called me up crying, to tell me that we are over.... I still cannot comprehend even writing that, because it does not make sense to me.... But I cannot change it. So now I am completely lost, because he was both my best friend and my sanity... and now I don't even want to talk to him because the things that come out of his mouth are just so hurtful. He actually said, "I don't love you anymore"... he said that to me. It has to be the most hurtful thing you can possibly say to someone who does love you... So here I am stuck in California. I have two jobs today. I look like crap because I didn't sleep and I cried too much.... I know everyone thinks that I am this free-spirited lady who does everything on her own - traveling the US.... but that was all possible because I had someone and something real to fall back on..... I am not strong enough to do everything by myself... and being alone like this, is just scary and terrifies me....

I do not want to hear about how I will find someone else and about how my life will move on - (all that stuff will come about eventually anyways - and if it doesn't I will live with a house full of cats. I will be the crazy cat lady - and I have no problem with that).

I just hurt and I am so angry and upset and falling apart - I still cannot feel myself in my own body.... he was a really big part of who I am.... he is a huge part of who I am.... I hate feeling this way.

Tea and positive thinking DJ is my goal for the afternoon.... my other goal is to get my phone turned off - so I do not try to call him.

Life is kicking puppies right now...

Annette said...

Actually, there may be more, but the DJ I was thinking of was John Tesh - he has a radio show where he shares alot of positive ideas. Works for me when I'm feeling lost and alone. www.tesh.com (you can listen on the computer too)

Mockingbird Girl said...

I'm sorry for the hurt and pain you're going through right now. I'm sending strength and healing vibes your way.

Ping said...

This sounds stupid but there are tons of guys that would love to be your everything. Whether you like it or not you are a celeb...you are also a very real person. I've worked with you and you are the best. Other photogs say they would love to work with London. You have great friends and a great life. You are the foshizzle!