Not going to pretend..

Like I am ok... I am a mess. People keep telling me that this hurt that I am feeling is temporary - but they really shouldn't trivialize my feelings - I feel like my entire life has been ripped out from under me - I feel like my soul is missing...I am really unsure what I want to do with my life right now - I tried to reschedule a few modeling jobs to keep my mind off of things - but I could not even make it half way to the studio.... all of this seems so pointless....

Tried to explain things to Lenny this morning, because I feel bad that I am sleeping at his house until 1pm without opening my bedroom door, .... Do not want him to think it is something he did. So I tried to give him an explanation this morning - But the words "...Pat broke up with me..." set me off again. Just three days before, I was doing an interview with Lenny about how amazing my long distance relationship happened to be - Lenny is still editing the tape.... sometimes things don't make any sense at all to me....


Lenny scored me a job with Shopzilla yesterday. I did a 10 second clip in a bathing suit down on Santa Monica Beach - small skit for women who are looking to find bathing suits to fit certain body types. Only on the screen for less than a few seconds, but it is going to air all over the television - mostly morning shows and stuff like that. It was a fun shoot - met the lady who does E True Hollywood Stories, got to see inside Shopzilla headquarters (they play ping-pong and eat catered food all day - best job ever)....

I forgot to mention that last week I worked with the guy who invented the first talking robot ever. He still works for the military, but as technology plods on - he is now a boss-man overseeing all the new MIT geniuses. Guess they are working on a new kind of robot where you do not even need to speak to it - the robot can just understand your body language and it will do whatever you ask it it to.

I leave LA tomorrow morning - headed to Tucson.... I am excited about the drive but worried for my car. I need to have it looked at later today.... but hey? What else is new...

Canceled my Flight to Cleveland...

Canceled my flight to anywhere actually
... I am a total mess.
Huge breakdown - I cannot breathe

I want to tell you how I feel but
Everytime I type something - I end up crying

You have to realize, without him, I have no real
drive to do anything - I have nowhere to go.

Should drive back home? Or keep driving aimlessly?
Thinking about canceling all my bookings. I just want
to be alone. I probably deserved this for traveling all the time...
I get so scared when I realize that I have no one to talk to right
now about my life.... I do not think I have ever felt so broken.

Trishy-Trashy Modelographer

If you remember a few weeks ago, I ran around Hollywood naked, covered in gold paint.... a documentary guy filming the entire shoot. Over the past two weeks, the videographer and I have kept in touch - He offered to let me shoot at his gi-normous home in LA, if he could grab a quick interview from me. So one night of browsing through that incredibly addictive new list feature on MM - I found Trish. I have always known Trish's work as a nude model - it is hard to miss a tall beautiful redhead. Seems that she has taken it to the next level and is now one of those 'beautiful models' turned 'talented photographer' out here in LA. Her work is just simply beautiful. She shoots film with her Daddy's camera.... Together, we rolled around on the floors of the beautiful spanish house.... eating vanilla wafers, catching up on all the people we know, going through rolls of film....


It is rare that a photographer blows my mind with their ideas - but I worked with this guy yesterday, where his idea is just off the wall and totally beautiful. So you will have to imagine this.... I walk into the studio and there is this 20 foot platform in the middle of the room. On this platform is an eight inch piece of glass which will hold 2,500 lbs of weight - The glass has a six inch border above it... creating a kind of tub. He filled that tub with white liquid (mostly bath crystals and salts)... and from beneath the structure, he could photograph anything that was touching the glass, but nothing else.... I think it is completely brilliant and I have never shot anything like it to date. It is going to make a fantastic gallery show....

Fucking hell!! San Francisco fell through again!!! Again!! Can you believe that? Last year when I was booking that city, it was the same deal.... Everyone canceled last minute, no one answers their emails, hotels were not booked as promised, the one guy I shot TFP with last year never gave me photos - one train wreck after another.... since I cannot justify driving seven hours to dig myself another hole, I am stuck in LA until Thursday - which is not a horrible thing, since I am still continuing to book work - but it is still quite aggravating nonetheless...

Not going to stay in West Hollywood any longer, even though I love it here - I just realized that I have been living at Josh's place for over three weeks now - and that is more than an inconvenience for anyone to deal with - so I am packing up and moving to the videographer's place for the next few days.... or maybe Aron's in Long Beach... or the hostel... I don't really know... we'll see how it goes...

Lightning in a Bottle Festival this weekend... then Vegas for a few days....

Photoshootin at Black's Beach

Drove to Black's Beach a few days ago to shoot with Aaron Riveroll. Blacks is a nudist hang out beach somewhere between LA and San Diego. I have shot there a few times before (once with a photographer who shot $800 worth of Polaroids of me and the other, a guy who just kept going.. 'Ass, give me more ass..')...

Many highlights to that particular shoot (...the sunset, the Your Mom Jokes, the naked man holding the reflector.. all good stories) But the best was the guy who kept watching our photoshoot and jerking off on the beach. It was just totally out-of-place and ridiculous. Here we are, Aaron and I..... He is shooting. I am posing.... and over Aaron's shoulder, I just see this guy with his legs spread wide open, no modesty at all - staring us down. Hand on his dick. Just jerking it in the sand. *gasp* Aaron was like, "What should we do?" And reached down and grabbed my sweater and pulled it on, still laughing, "We'll see if he can still do that with a sweater on..." Hence the photo to the left. Eventually Aaron broke out his video camera... and the guy wandered off down the beach.... but still - it was completely priceless...

Aaron taped most of the shoot ... and you can watch it here:

A Message...

I received this message today.... and found it to be a great insight - decided to post it.

London,

I discovered a long time ago that a good photographer needs to be in love with their subject if they are to truly capture a glimpse of its soul. You have the rare ability to MAKE the camera fall in love with you regardless of what the photographer does or doesn't do.

It is true - to each his own. For me, you are the most beautiful female, from head to toe, that I have ever looked upon (and I've seen a few). But you are much more than this.

I've been keeping up with your travels, blogs, youtubes, etc., as I have also criss-crossed the country along the same path. I can feel/remember your excitement while some spirited demon drove me to keep looking for whatever seemed to be missing from within!

My hunch is that your hunger and passion for the knowledge that comes with each new discovery is what fuels your soul. You want to experience life in it's "rawest" form. It will, in fact, make you wiser, smarter, more compassionate, and all the more a beautiful person. It's something that most people won't understand why you do it, or why you must do it alone.

Eventually, you just want to love, and be loved for who you are.

I hope you do not find this email offensive. It was not meant to be, rather a recognition of what I see "through" your photographs. No, I'm not a weirdo or stalker. Just someone who "sees" you.

Again, no woman was ever more beautiful than you, and I want to photograph you, too - once you've stopped looking so hard, because I can only imagine the imagery you'll create once it's all figured out!

Enjoy your journey. Keep giving photographers images they'll never repeat. You are indeed leaving your mark on the world, which is the point anyway, right?

I really enjoy when I get mail that someone has been following my journey as person, I feel as if they are a close friend who has been with me for years.... I wish I had started this blog before modeling, I really do. This entire 'journey' has changed me irrevocably - I am finally happy, self sufficient, doing something I love. I am in a good place - it is a very freeing feeling - doing something you love and being able to get by on it... Never could I find a letter such as yours to be offensive, I thank you for writing it - I needed it today - and it meant a lot to me. (actually teary eyed, I am a mush)

San Diego

Staying with D. Brian Nelson is always a pleasure - I not sure whether it is solely because enjoy his company (....he insists that he is a complete and total hermit who dislikes all people, is actually very lovely company) or if it because I enjoy his little hole-in-the-wall home that gets soft lighting in the mornings....

What I do know, is that I remembered on my way to his place that Don lives just about as frugally as you can possibly get.... just-bare-balls, plain and simple - With no expectations of him having food in the fridge - nor requiring him to, I pulled my car into a Quickie-Mart and bought me some Ramen Noodles for dinner. Only to learn upon arrival - yeaaaa, Don doesn't have a kitchen.... : ) I just love it.. So he took me out to dinner at BK and we did cheese burgers instead...

The only thing that Don does spend his money on would be the things that make him happy (as it should be).... photography (film, cameras, developing), fast motorcycles (owns two), and guns (owns several). It was actually really quite fascinating to watch, he showed me how he measures out and makes his own ammunition - how it can take hours and hours to do..... Looking back, I see that as being either extremely therapeutic or absolutely aggravating.

Hostels in LA

First off - LA hostels should rule the world. Never in my life have I enjoyed my stay anywhere... a great little hide-away in LA. The Vibe - just full of gorgeous young Europeans, most of them just returning from snorkeling in the South Pacific.... Free breakfast, bbqs, live music, dancing - a movie room with cushy chairs, a giant big screen TV. Pool tables, bingo, karaoke - private rooms are fucking awesomely decorated. I mean, it is a photographer's dream....

Completely affordable at - $22 for a dorm and $65 for a private.
Love this place. When I go to San Fran, I am going to do the hostel thing again... Heard they are even better than the LA set-up

As always, the best part of any trip would be the people that you meet..... And so far, I have made so many new friends and contacts just by staying the night here. So many email addresses and people to keep in touch with for when I go to Europe.... many are couchsurfers, they make Europe seem so easy and so approachable...

A few nights ago I stayed at the Banana Bungalows hostel on Fairfax, near Melrose. Went out wandering on foot, found a bunch of live music at a 24 hour little dive bar. Half a diner, half a smelly bar with peanuts. The bartender told me that whatever I could drink - I could drink for free. Just badbadbad news... since I never go out anymore (being a single female traveling in strange cities is not a great idea for party-time, you get lost, hit on, mugged).... I got pretty tore up - met tons of people though. Met a hair-band who took me out and showed me how to spray my hair and make it big in the parking lot..... The music was fantastic, bought some CDs...

Been shooting a lot and often - I leave LA...... right now, actually. Headed for D. Brian Nelson's little hole in the wall in San Diego for two nights...

Not happy with my scheduling for California at all.... my route just zigs and zags all over the state. No idea what the hell I was thinking, backtracking all over the place..... I go from LA, San Diego, LA, San Fran back to Santa Barbara for the Lightning in a Bottle fest - maybe LA again if I want to continue making money for Alaska... and then up to Sacramento? Jesus - my scheduling was just plain stupid.... either that, or California is just too much state to book....

I am so hungry - luckily the hostel is having free grilled cheese sandwiches.... ah, I love this place. : )

Sick and tired of Ol' LA

The traffic here is just off-the-charts ridiculous.... I can spend anywhere from one to four hours sitting in traffic between shoots, the stop-go traffic eats my gas and the stop-go traffic eats my life.... I want those hours of my life back, LA.... give em back to me.....

Have you ever watched the old-school Will Smith show Fresh Prince? You know the opening credits when the Hollywood sign is right behind him.... I shot there! Naked! Covered in gold paint... 7am last Sunday morning, I got bodypainted by a female artist....once the paint was dry, they wrapped me in a big fuzzy robe, fed me a bunch of starbucks, and we drove to the location... me all moviestarish in the backseat, tinted windows, fuzzy robe. They set the shot up and then opened my car door - Dropped the robe, jumped out, and stood around naked, glaring gold, while they shot the photo... it was awesome. I invited a documentary film maker on that particular shoot - so who knows, maybe you'll be able to watch it online sometime soon....

Know what is horribly cute? The photographer, from that shoot - gave me a Thank You card afterwards.... ha. I just love that.

Yesterday I went to a shoot, somewhere along the line - I started complaining about how damn complicated filing taxes are for models - and the photographer was like, "Hello... Have you looked at the room you are standing in?" And so I did - Lo-n-behold - I was standing in a tax-office.... all the walls covered from top to bottom with photos of porn stars and models..... Right then and there, I decided to trade my time for taxes. He said that since I did not keep records this year, I won't get a return - but that I definitely have enough expenses that it will break even... So that is exciting! Look! I am a real citizen this year! I paid my taxes! *clap clap clap applause bow bow* Thank you! Thank you!

Oh god, Isobel has the funniest jobs - a few days ago she landed a job where she was doing a girl/girl porn.... and they wanted Isobel to play a Ghost. So her and the girl would go at it, and then Isobel would get up and leave the scene, and then the other girl would have to pretend that Isobel was still there.... so the other performer had to eat-out the ghost and make out with the ghost and pretend to stick a dildo in the ghost.... but there was nothing there.... I wish I was a fly on the wall for that one.

Themed Hotels in West Hollywood

So my photographer for tomorrow morning, gave me a price range of $80-150 - He asked me to find a fun local hotel/motel to shoot in.... So for the past hour, I have been looking up reviews.

 Just a few moments ago, I came across this great descriptive review which I just had to note: "Do not stay here! This is the biggest shit hole that you could ever be cursed with. The most filth and seedy sketchiness known to man. Remember the scene on "Big" when Tom Hanks checks into a motel and cries because people are yelling and getting shot? Yeah well, Tom Hank's room would be the Presidential Suite at the Ritz-Carlton by comparison - The brown, shag carpet is quite possibly teeming with life that would spellbind the most seasoned epidemiologist. The TV has two channels... mexican game shows and porn. There are little notes written in black Sharpie all over. For example 'on' and an arrow pointing to the nob, 'hot' and 'cold' written on the tile in the shower, 'do not touch' on the light switch."

 Yeaaa.... sounds like a great place to shoot! I booked it!!! 

Dancing Sweat....

Perhaps it was all the sweaty people or the freezing temperatures that got us - but Coachella, as fun and wonderful as it was, made both Isobel and I incredibly sick.... neither of us can talk really well and we keep swapping our over-the-counter drugs..... Isobel goes, "Well I bought Claritin... maybe it is allergies?" And I go, "I bought Sudafed because I cannot breathe..." We complete drug pushers - swapping back and forth, back and forth - when it comes down to it - the two of us are just sick. Plain ol' sick. 

Staying in West Hollywood with Isobel's old roommate.. located south of Sunset Strip and north of Santa Monica Blvd. Last I went out briefly to grab dinner and ended up at transvestite bingo, where they deliver your food-bill in a ruby red slipper.... How do you know that you are in LA? - You know you are in LA when your photographers does a line of coke in front of you and does not even blink as to if you care or not. You know you are in LA when a homeless man sits down on the sidewalk, right beside your dinner table, and patiently waits while you finish the last drop of your bottled water (here in CA your water bottle is worth 5 cents). 

.... Isobel and I got invited to attend Dom Con with the guy who runs Skin Two magazine.... I am not sure if it is really my scene (most of the attendees are fetish life stylists), but I am considering just going because Skin Two is a great publication.. Ha, on the topic of dongs - Isobel had me just dying yesterday. Isobel has been shooting a lot of porn this week. Late last night, she walks into our bedroom, with a very serious face.. goes, "Geeze, I just burped.... and it tasted like dildo...."