Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The BreakUp

Pat and I broke up Monday night - Isn't that crazy news? - The two of us have been together for seven years.... We keep trying to change each other, to mold one another into something that we are not - Neither of us want to be changed... And yet, as we hug each other in bed, late at night, even now, I know we both still love eachother - I care about him more than anyone I have ever met and I know he feels the same way... But it is 'comfortable love' - And while comfortable love tends to be full of security and easy living, it can also be dangerous - Over time, that comfort can build into contempt and hatred... Pat and I want to end on good terms....

Met Patrick while he was attending Syracuse University, he fixed something inside of me that I could not fix myself - I was searching for all these pieces of myself that I could not find (I am still a bit like that).... Have you ever read that book The Missing Piece? That is my biography, the sum of my parts - Just rolling around, feeling empty, looking for anything that makes me feel whole - Back then, I was drinking myself into oblivion several nights a week... I was empty. But ... Pat put so much love into our relationship - he treated me with so much respect (that I could not give myself) - He forgave me when I made terrible mistakes (when I could not forgive myself) - He gave me confidence in the security of our relationship (with the freedom I needed to thrive), he gave me confidence about my body, in a way I never had before meeting him (it led to modeling)....

He has been the one solid thing in my life.... My family has been very absent from my life in the last 10 years. My friends are awesome but they are far away - I shouldn't have put so much pressure on him, but I did anyways - I made Patrick my Rock.. I gave him all my problems, he dealt with them - If I needed something, he was there for me - He was so big and strong, he could conquer anything I could not - And yet, I've never been anything of the sort in return...... Know my exciting adventures in Sequoia/Deep Creek? During that time, Pat was in NYC, with his family, for his Grandma's funeral ( ... That trip home solidified our break up..)...

We've had problems for years - but since living together, they have heightened to the point where neither of us can deal anymore....

Patrick is very responsible when it comes to his job and his family - But outside of those two things, Pat's only interest/hobby is getting drunk/high with his friends - He thinks his "problem" is a joke - But it has only gotten worse since moving to Austin ... If it does not involve drinking or smoking weed, he does not want to do it - Tonight, he will head out to Happy Hour, come home, hit the bong, watch TV all night, and pass out. I worry about his health (I tell him that constantly, he hates it) - I worry about him when I am not home (I imagine him like my father, falling down a flight of stairs and ending up in ICU) - He thinks this kind of behavior is normal (it's not) - He surrounds himself with people who are just like him (I cannot think of one friend that he has, who does not drink or smoke heavily)... And what sucks, is that I also have an alcohol abuse problem (that is a fact) - And I while I would drink regardless of his presence, being around Patrick enables me to drink more often... I see him choose alcohol every day, it's not a big deal... But it is a big deal, I feel like it is a big deal, I don't want to be this person anymore...

As for me - I lose just about everything in this breakup: I lose Austin (I cannot live here, knowing Pat is somewhere in the city, I'd get lonely, call him, we'd make up and be miserable together for another five years) - I lose Perry-cat (Pat said he would take her), all my foster kittens, AustinPetsAlive - I lose SoupPeddler, the Alamo Drafthouse, Hippie Hollow, ACL, SXSW, Tubing in San Marcos.... I lose my best friend of seven years (even if he gave up on me years ago).... I lose my stability and purpose and my sense of belonging somewhere....

What I get is: Anything I can fit in the trunk of my Mustang (probably clothes and camping gear) - I get Mom-dog (Patrick doesn't want her) - She makes traveling and working very difficult for me, but I cannot give her back to the Humane Society - I cannot do it, she is an amazing dog and a good friend - Because of her, I will not be modeling as I travel back home, since she has never traveled before, I am unsure how she would react being tied outside a studio...

Mom-dog and I leave Thursday - Headed home to Syracuse NY - It is a temporary thing, I will probably stay at my mom's place until the end of August - Get my bearings, figure out what's next.. I want to look into becoming a dog groomer (wouldn't that be a great job for me....!) - Eventually, if I got really good at it, I could even start my own business!.... I don't know. Rough draft right now.... Lets see how things go.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Lightning in a Bottle 2011






































Burning Man will always be my favorite festival .... I say this, because I love how incredibly complex it is - I love how the festival surrounds you - You are alive, you are human, you are loved, you are lonely, you are one, you are breathing, you are dancing - You are in the desert, eating cupcakes, with a man dressed as a monkey....

With that said - I must tell you that I absolutely fell in love with the LIB Festival - The majority of people were Burners, many of the art installations at LIB were created for Black Rock, the whole place had an environmentally conscious-feel to it - LIB only sold Vegetarian options on the festival grounds....Also, everything was 100% biodegradable and they had onsite composting options...

Our adventure began Thursday - I drove to Wamuhu's around 4pm to grab Matthew (who does not drive) - My goal was to pick him up at 4pm, drive into the festival before 8pm, set up camp while the sun set, and spend the evening hanging out - The best laid plans never seem to work when you have Matthew involved, though....... nope. Ended up sitting around for three hours, while he ran around applying aloe to his naked body, packing his bags, finishing his laundry.... Instead of sunset... Matt and I ended up struggling at 1am, in the dark, on the hilltop, in the cold... It was crazy. Luckily, a really nice neighbor let us borrow his sunlamp for awhile - and we managed to get our camp set up....

Friday morning - Matt and I headed straight to a workshop called Wake Up Singing! 50 people, dancing and laughing and yoga-ing together... Nothing more liberating than singing loudly and dancing next to a bunch of crazy strangers who feel like family..... As for the night... all my nights just blur together.... Ummm, Friday night, we danced until 1am, headed back to the tent - Met this guy from Torrence who owns a jungle... He bought 10,000 crickets, dumped them on his land, so he can sleep to the sound of crickets at night - The guy was intense, high on something, offered Matt pot-brownies, kept lighting sage in our tent... I remember passing out - I remember Matthew dancing...

Saturday morning, the weather was perfect - It was the kind of day you spend hanging out with your neighbors - Which is exactly what we did...! Eventually we wandered down the hill, and rode Ferris wheel together - Hit up the amazing gallery show they had going - Beats Antique played - I went to dance around the ArtCar until 3am, Sharonda went to dance around Red Lightning Camp until 3am, Matt and Wamuhu went dancing at the Art Gallery... Matt stumbled in around 8am, looking exhausted but happy...

Sunday morning - I could not even *think* about dancing... My body hurt from days of movement, sleeping on the ground, lack of protein. Decided to check out some of the workshops instead...  Conscious Breathing class was neat. Never realized how calming it is to simply breathe within a group of people. The website is neat, because you can see where people are logged in, to breathe, all over the world. Also attended a Chinese Healing Herb class that was jam packed with amazing information... Later that evening, I saw Lynx perform and yet again, I was dancing like a maniac. Ended up watching this band at the Lumi Cafe ... Not sure what their name was..... But they were ridiculous live. Meditated in the Temple of Consciousness that night.... fell in and out of sleep surrounded by beautifully peaceful hippies.....

The festival was amazing - It balanced Burning Man, with yoga, with dancing and music, and an atmosphere that just blew me away... I am already making plans to attend next year.... The sunsets on that lake are unbelievable...

Friday, June 3, 2011