Not Welcome At Home

Talked on the phone a few times - Mom was sympathetic to my situation - My father (her first husband) was a lot like Patrick... Intelligent, responsible, hard working - but someone who put their friends before the relationship, someone who partied too hard, too often, who smoked too much, drank too much - More importantly, someone who refused to see the negativity in that kind of constant behavior....

She said I was more than welcome to come home. Told her that I was traveling with a dog, she said, "The dog is welcome too." - Packed up my entire life, put it in my car, five days on the road from TX to NY. Pulled into Tully, SO happy to finally be safe and home for a bit - Mom was home, we drank coffee - Twenty minutes later, my Stepfather came stomping up the front steps, red in the face. He looked at my Mother, wild eyed, and said, "What? You thought I wasn't serious about the dog?" Slammed the door, drove away in a red cloud of anger.... Mom just sat there, fish mouthed, staring at me. Finally she goes, "He doesn't want the dog staying here. He doesn't like it." ".... ? ... But you told me that I could stay here with her? I am confused, I'm not getting rid of my dog." And Mom goes, "I don't know what to do. I don't want to fight with him over it. I am sure it will be ok, he will get used to her and it will be ok."

But it is not OK. Before he met my mom, he owned dogs - He is using my dog as an excuse - And.... I cannot stay at their house if he is going to give me attitude for the next month. I know he does not like me, but I figured he could tolerate me for a single month while I get my life straightened out. I cannot stay there if he is going to hate on Mom-dog. She is a great animal.... No one could ask for an easier, timid, quiet, well behaved dog.

So I tell her "I won't stay in this house and make you fight for me. You should not *have* to fight for me. If I was one of his children, this would not be an issue - But we know it is not about the dog, it is about me..... Just wish that you told me about this earlier, I would have made other plans.... I wouldn't have come here, I wouldnt have driven 1,700 miles to be in this situation..." So I packed up all my stuff again and I said, "I think it will be better if I go somewhere else..."

She protested a bit, but said, "Yea, it is probably for the best... Do you have a place to stay? Lets do lunch next week...."

WHAT? Are you kidding me?... I know it sounds bitter... but.... Yea... That is what I need, Mom. Lunch. Yes. I drove 1700 miles for Lunch...

Not a big deal that I am homeless for the next month or so.... Not a big deal that you were not honest about fighting with my step father. Not a big deal that you just turned your only daughter away when she needed you most..... I've had 40 strangers, people in every area of the world, ofter me their homes, their vacation homes, bedrooms in their houses, with their families, with their friends, their kids.... 40 (this blogging/social networking community is unbelievable). Out of all those offers.... All I wanted was my Mother - I wanted her love and advice, her company, her positive outlook, her friendship... and I got offered lunch?.... Blah.

Got in my car and Cried A LOT - Lost my boyfriend and my family all in one week. Feel like I have nothing to look forward to .... Was lucky though, Matthew is also living in Syracuse right now... And he did not just offer his home, he forced it upon me. Called me over and over again until I broke down and said Yes. So I am currently living with Matthew for the next three weeks.... and then... I don't know. I don't know where I am going. I don't know where to start. I have never been in this position before. It is a very lonely place to be.

In the meantime - Matt says I have to stop dwelling on my problems. So we are driving to Vermont today, going to a festival in the woods.... I suppose it will take my mind off things for awhile. It will not fix my life or my situation much - but I could use a break for a bit....

Enjoy your Fourth of July! Enjoy your family and hug them a bunch!... :  )

Hope

"Dear London - First off, though you've never met me, big hug. Hope you get home safe, that you find a safe haven in your mama. When I lost the love of my life 2.5 years ago it broke me. Now I have a DWI and a felony charge over my head. At 30, the worst thing I had ever done was get a speeding ticket, then my world collapsed. I made such bad choices during the fallout. I feel like these times are harrowing and so much can slide out of control. I am glad to see you buckling down and doing what is right. FINDING YOURSELF AND TRUSTING YOUR INSTINCTS!

Your blog was one of the few things that kept me going during the collapse and subsequent divorce of the only woman I have ever loved.

I am now a kayak guide near Orcas Island - AND LOVING it! A dream I've always had. My ex is now in Mozambique. She joined the Peace Corps, a dream she has always had. We have both moved on. It took the severing of our love (which will always be there, just like Patrick and yourself) and our friendship and all communication for the slingshot to snap forward.

Just want to invite you out here, anytime before Oct. This is an offer I extend you as a friend in waiting. A person who shares common fears and dreams with what I read into you from your blog. I would love to meet you. I feel like I know you and what I can offer is an amazing experience inside the cockpit of a kayak in one of the most beautiful places on the planet! Bring Matthew and Mom dog and come camp with me this summer.

Wish you such happiness and saftey!"

Note from myself to you: Matthew and I will see you in September... ! We will be headed North after Burning Man this year - You live in one of the most magical places I have ever been in my life - I cannot wait to meet you in person.. This is gonna sound cheesey, but I am proud of you, bud. You give me more hope than I should be allowed to have.... I strive to be as brave as you have been.... thank you.

The BreakUp

Pat and I broke up Monday night - Isn't that crazy news? - The two of us have been together for seven years.... We keep trying to change each other, to mold one another into something that we are not - Neither of us want to be changed... And yet, as we hug each other in bed, late at night, even now, I know we aboth still love eachother - I care about him more than anyone I have ever met and I know he feels the same way... But it is a comfortable love - And while comfortable love tends to be full of security and easy living, it is also dangerous - Over time, comfort builds into contempt and hatred... Pat and I want to end on good terms....

Met Patrick while he was attending Syracuse University, he fixed something inside of me that I could not fix myself - I was searching for all these pieces of myself that I could not find (I am still a bit like that).... Have you ever read that book The Missing Piece? That is my biography, the sum of my parts - Just rolling around, feeling empty, looking for anything that makes me feel whole - Back then, I was dating six guys (most of them were using me for sex), I was drinking myself into oblivion several nights a week... I was empty. But dating Pat fixed something in me...  he put so much love into our relationship - he treated me with so much respect (that I could not give myself) - He forgave me when I made terrible mistakes (when I could not forgive myself) - He gave me confidence in the security of our relationship (with the freedom I needed to thrive), he gave me confidence about my body, in a way I never had before meeting him (it led to modeling)....

He has been the one solid thing in my life.... My family has been very absent from my life in the last 10 years. My friends are awesome but they are far away - I shouldn't have put so much pressure on him, but I did anyways - I made Patrick my Rock.. I gave him all my problems, he dealt with them - If I needed something, he was there for me - He was so big and strong, he could conquer anything I could not - And yet, I've never been anything of the sort in return...... Know my exciting adventures in Sequoia/Deep Creek? During that time, Pat was in NYC, with his family, for his Grandma's funeral (My credit card was maxed out with gas charges, asked him if he wanted me to fly out to NY, I would figure it out - He told me No, it would be fine.... obviously wasn't fine ... That trip home solidified our break up..)...

We've had problems for years - but since living together, they have heightened to the point where neither of us can deal anymore....

Pat does not like how much of a hermit I have become... "I just cannot date someone who does not like people... you do not like my friends, you do not like my family, you do not like to leave the house, you do not have a single friend you could call up in TX.... I cannot handle it anymore. I hate it..." *Sigh*...  I dislike it too, I am a HUGE introvert - I have always been like this - I love his friends and I love his family - I just do not enjoy people very much... Maybe it is people anxiety? I probably need medication or therapy for it... Sometimes, I wonder if modeling made me fearful of other humans? I know it made me worse - But I feel like I have been like this forever... I skipped my highschool prom because I did not want to be around a gymnasium full of people (Pat, on the other hand, went to eight senior proms.... if that gives you any idea of how social he is)...

Patrick is very responsible when it comes to his job and his family - But outside of those two things, Pat's only interest/hobby is getting drunk/high with his friends - He thinks his "problem" is a joke, that he has it under control, but he doesn't, it owns him - It has gotten worse since moving to Austin - "Wanna drive out to hill country? Wanna walk the dog at Zilker? Want to go on a hike with me?"... If it does not involve drinking or smoking weed, he does not want to do it... He will hit the bong with a buddy, until his eyes won't focus straight - Or maybe he will go out drinking with his friends, until he has to make himself puke when he gets home - Or maybe he will get drunk and play volleyball with his friends - Tonight, he will head out to Happy Hour, come home, hit the bong, watch TV all night, and pass out. I worry about his health (I tell him that constantly, he hates it) - I worry about him getting a DUI (I took his car in last week, fixed his headlights, he stayed out drinking until midnight) - I worry about him when I am not home (I imagine him like my father, falling down a flight of stairs and ending up in ICU) - He thinks this kind of behavior is normal (it's not) - He surrounds himself with people who are just like him (I cannot think of one friend that he has, who does not drink or smoke heavily)... And what sucks, is that I also have an alcohol abuse problem (that is a fact) - And I while I would drink regardless of his presence, being around Patrick enables me to drink more often... I see him choose drugs and alcohol every day, it's not a big deal... But I know it is a big deal, I feel like it is a big deal, I don't want to be this person anymore...

As for me - I lose just about everything in this breakup: I lose Austin (I cannot live here, knowing Pat is somewhere in the city, I'd get lonely, call him, we'd make up and be miserable together for another five years) - I lose my bookshelves, my artwork, my plants - I lose my Perry-cat (Pat said he would take her), all my foster kittens, AustinPetsAlive - I lose SoupPeddler, the Alamo Drafthouse, Hippie Hollow, ACL, SXSW, Tubing in San Marcos, Chuys, Torchy's Tacos.... I lose my best friend of seven years (even if he gave up on me years ago).... I lose my stability and purpose and my sense of belonging somewhere....

What I get is: Anything I can fit in the trunk of my Mustang (probably clothes and camping gear) - I get Mom-dog (Patrick doesn't want her) - She makes traveling and working very difficult for me, but I cannot put her on craigslist, I cannot do it, she is an amazing dog and a good friend - Because of her, I will not be modeling as I travel back home, since she has never traveled before, I am unsure how she would react being tied outside a studio...

Mom-dog and I leave Thursday - Headed home to Syracuse NY - It is a temporary thing, I will probably stay at my mom's place until the end of August - Get my bearings, figure out what's next.. I want to look into becoming a dog groomer (wouldn't that be a great job for me....!) - Eventually, if I got really good at it, I could even start my own business!.... I don't know. Rough draft right now.... Lets see how things go.

Remington and Deep Creek

Matt and I left left Sequoia Wednesday morning - Destination Kernville: Headed to Remington Hot Spring, jeweled and buttoned tubs (Quick note: If you need to know anything about me, I love being naked, in nature, floating around in hot water - It is happiness...)... So we drove south via an amazing scenic back road - Stopped off in a tiny town near Lake Isabella, drove to a nowhere-road near Hobo Campgrounds - Hike should have been simple (less than a mile) - But, it was Bru-tal: Steep-like cliff, loose rocks, pricker burrs, stinging nettles, low brush - Matthew fell at least a dozen times....

But..... Matt and I prevailed! We won! We made it.....Whoo!........ Yea! Only to find......... all of the tubs?..... Underwater!?! The river had flooded, every tub was under muddy stagnant water! - Upset isn't the word to describe how I felt - I had my heart set on that Hot Spring for over a year and half - Doubt I will ever have the chance to drive out there again.... even if I do, the forest service is supposed to shut it down later this year.... blah.... Matt and I grudingly packed up our stuff, trudged up the giant sheer rocky cliff covered in things that wanted hurt us....

So, I ask, "What should we do now?" And he goes, "Lets drive back to town. We will camp with all those cool hippies." In my head I shout NO! ... Done with it - Done... Haven't taken a shower in seven days, my hair is matted, my clothes stink, my socks have burrs in them, stinging nettles suck, I don't want to sleep on the cold ground anymore... I want a shower and a warm bed for one single night. "Want to drive back to LA? We could try for Deep Creek Hot Springs in the morning...? We could sleep at Denny's place, he gave me a key...." Matt grumbles about how much he loves hippies, he wants to hang out with the hippies, hippies are so awesome... but I don't care, because he doesn't drive and I do... I want a shower and a bed....

Four hours later, we drive into LA, sneak into Denny's house, fall into a glorious warm smushy bed.... And everything in the world is happy! ... Well, except for Matt... he was still upset about all the hippies he missed out on...

Refreshed, renewed (and showered!), Matt and I drove to Deep Creek Thursday morning! - One hour outside of LA, clothing optional.. The experience was unbelievable! Mustang had it's first off-roading adventure (...Enjoyed watching jaws drop, when I told everyone at the springs that I drove my mustang down the 8 mile stretch of Bowen Ranch Rd!) - Matt and I hiked 2 1/2 miles into the canyon, on a perfect sunny day, through some of the most amazing scenery in California, 2 1/2 miles out.... Met a lot of great people along the way. Realized we were on the Pacific Crest Trail, which runs from Canada to Mexico... We took a cold refreshing dip in the river, swam out to the tubs which sit on top of a massive rock - Tubs were scalding hot, wonderful to jump in and out of - Spent a lot of time sunning on rocks, swimming around with strangers..... Deep Creek turned out to be my absolute favorite part of my California Trip - Completely made up for my disappointment the day before (although I would still love to camp at Remington someday).... Hiking with your best friend on a gorgeous day in California is good for the soul.... I recommend it.

Sequoia National Park

When I was in Sequoia three years ago - It was summertime. It was warm. The place was filled with tourists, I swam in the river all day - I had trouble finding a place to camp because every campsite was taken....

Visiting Lodgepole the day after Memorial Weekend (the weekend that they opened) was radically different - And colder. A handful of campsites were occupied (most of them RVs)... Matt and I scored a prime location next to the river. Unzipping our tent every morning, was like opening a present (which is appropriate, since Matt's birthday happened while we were in Sequoia - Happy 27th, buddy!).... Matt and I visited the largest tree in the world (the General Sherman tree), we drove through the Guardian Trees, we hiked the river to Tokopah Falls - Matt seemed to enjoy the Mountain Man thing and I enjoyed it too... But lack of proper clothing sucked.... Thin sweatshirts, a pair of jeans, a hat, flipflops with socks in fifteen degree weather? - I slept with my clothes on, mummified in my sleeping bag - I was scared to fall asleep, scared of hypothermia, scared of having my nose turn black with frostbite and fall off... We stayed for two nights, but when the rangers drove by and informed us that the temperature was going down another ten degrees... We broke camp and headed south....

Lightning in a Bottle 2011

Burning Man will always be my favorite festival .... I say this, because I love how incredibly complex it is - I love how the festival surrounds you - You are alive, you are human, you are loved, you are lonely, you are one, you are breathing, you are dancing - You are in the desert, eating cupcakes, with a man dressed as a monkey....

With that said - I must tell you that I absolutely fell in love with the LIB Festival - The majority of people were Burners, many of the art installations at LIB were created for Black Rock, the whole place had an environmentally conscious-feel to it - LIB only sold Vegetarian options on the festival grounds....Also, everything was 100% biodegradable and they had onsite composting options...

Our adventure began Thursday - I drove to Wamuhu's around 4pm to grab Matthew (who does not drive) - My goal was to pick him up at 4pm, drive into the festival before 8pm, set up camp while the sun set, and spend the evening hanging out - The best laid plans never seem to work when you have Matthew involved, though....... nope. Ended up sitting around for three hours, while he ran around applying aloe to his naked body, packing his bags, finishing his laundry.... Instead of sunset... Matt and I ended up struggling at 1am, in the dark, on the hilltop, in the cold... It was crazy. Luckily, a really nice neighbor let us borrow his sunlamp for awhile - and we managed to get our camp set up....

Friday morning - Matt and I headed straight to a workshop called Wake Up Singing! 50 people, dancing and laughing and yoga-ing together... Nothing more liberating than singing loudly and dancing next to a bunch of crazy strangers who feel like family..... As for the night... all my nights just blur together.... Ummm, Friday night, we danced until 1am, headed back to the tent - Met this guy from Torrence who owns a jungle... He bought 10,000 crickets, dumped them on his land, so he can sleep to the sound of crickets at night - The guy was intense, high on something, offered Matt pot-brownies, kept lighting sage in our tent... I remember passing out - I remember Matthew dancing...

Saturday morning, the weather was perfect - It was the kind of day you spend hanging out with your neighbors - Which is exactly what we did...! Eventually we wandered down the hill, and rode Ferris wheel together - Hit up the amazing gallery show they had going - Beats Antique played - I went to dance around the ArtCar until 3am, Sharonda went to dance around Red Lightning Camp until 3am, Matt and Wamuhu went dancing at the Art Gallery... Matt stumbled in around 8am, looking exhausted but happy...

Sunday morning - I could not even *think* about dancing... My body hurt from days of movement, sleeping on the ground, lack of protein. Decided to check out some of the workshops instead...  Conscious Breathing class was neat. Never realized how calming it is to simply breathe within a group of people. The website is neat, because you can see where people are logged in, to breathe, all over the world. Also attended a Chinese Healing Herb class that was jam packed with amazing information... Later that evening, I saw Lynx perform and yet again, I was dancing like a maniac. Ended up watching this band at the Lumi Cafe ... Not sure what their name was..... But they were ridiculous live. Meditated in the Temple of Consciousness that night.... fell in and out of sleep surrounded by beautifully peaceful hippies.....

The festival was amazing - It balanced Burning Man, with yoga, with dancing and music, and an atmosphere that just blew me away... I am already making plans to attend next year.... The sunsets on that lake are unbelievable...