The BreakUp

Pat and I broke up Monday night - Isn't that crazy news? - The two of us have been together for seven years.... We keep trying to change each other, to mold one another into something that we are not - Neither of us want to change... As we hug each other in bed, even now, I know we both still love eachother - I care about him more than anyone I have ever met and I know he feels the same way... But it is 'comfortable love' - While comfortable love tends to be full of security and easy living, it can also be dangerous - Over time, that comfort can build into contempt and hatred... Pat and I want to end on good terms.

Met Patrick while he was attending Syracuse University, he fixed something inside of me that I could not fix myself - I was searching for all these pieces of myself that I could not find (I am still a bit like that).... Have you ever read that book The Missing Piece? That is my biography, the sum of my parts - Just rolling around, feeling empty, looking for anything that makes me feel whole - Pat put so much love into our relationship - he treated me with so much respect (that I could not give myself) - He forgave me when I made mistakes (and I made mistakes often) - He gave me confidence in the security of our relationship (with the freedom I needed to thrive). He gave me confidence about my body, in a way I never had before meeting him (it led to modeling).

He has been the one solid thing in my life.... My family has been very absent from my life in the last 10 years. My friends are awesome but in other states - I shouldn't have put so much pressure on him, but I did anyways - I made Patrick my Rock.. I gave him all my problems, he dealt with them - If I needed something, he was there for me - He was strong, he could conquer anything I could not - And yet, I've never been anything of the sort in return.... When he needed me the most two weeks ago, when a family member died, I was off hiking Sequoia with Matthew and I honestly, did not want to fly home. I am not a very good rock, unfortunately.

We've had problems for years. He says that I am too anti-social. I spend too much time with foster kittens than humans. His friends call me his "Unicorn Girlfriend" (elusive and rarely seen). I am drinking heavily again. Sometimes, I barely get out of bed. I am so depressed. I am not sure what is wrong with me. His solution is to yell at me about it. My solution is to drink more.

His best friend just moved into our apartment from NYC. All they do is watch TV cartoons all day, get high and pass out on the couch. He never wants to walk the dog. We have not been hiking in months together. We barely have anything in common anymore.

As for me - I lose just about everything in this breakup: I lose Austin (I cannot live here, knowing Pat is somewhere, I'd get lonely, call him, we'd make up and be miserable together again) - I lose Perry-cat (I am taking Momdog because he says that he is not responsible enough to care for a dog). I lose my foster kittens and all the connections that I have made volunteering for AustinPetsAlive - I lose SoupPeddler, Alamo Drafthouse, Hippie Hollow, ACL, SXSW, Tubing in San Marcos.... I lose my best friend of seven years (because he is my best friend, even now). I lose my stability and my sense of belonging somewhere.

What I get is: Anything I can fit in the trunk of my Mustang (probably clothes and camping gear) - Momdog. She makes traveling difficult (especially in the summer like this) but I cannot give her back to the Humane Society - She is an amazing dog and a good friend - Because of her, I will not be modeling as I travel back home. She has never traveled before, I am unsure how she would be being stuck in a crate in a Motel or inside a studio.

Mom-dog and I leave Thursday - Headed home to Syracuse NY - It is a temporary thing. My mom told me that I can come home for a few months until I figure out what's next.. I want to look into becoming a dog groomer (wouldn't that be a great job for me....!) - Eventually, if I got really good at it, I could even start my own business!... Rough draft right now.... Lets see how things go.

Lightning in a Bottle 2011

Burning Man will always be my favorite festival .... I say this, because I love how incredibly complex it is - I love how the festival surrounds you - You are alive, you are human, you are loved, you are lonely, you are one, you are breathing, you are dancing - You are in the desert, eating cupcakes, with a man dressed as a monkey....

With that said - I must tell you that I absolutely fell in love with the LIB Festival - The majority of people were Burners, many of the art installations at LIB were created for Black Rock, the whole place had an environmentally conscious-feel to it - LIB only sold Vegetarian options on the festival grounds....Also, everything was 100% biodegradable and they had onsite composting options...

Our adventure began Thursday - I drove to Wamuhu's around 4pm to grab Matthew (who does not drive) - My goal was to pick him up at 4pm, drive into the festival before 8pm, set up camp while the sun set, and spend the evening hanging out - The best laid plans never seem to work when you have Matthew involved, though....... nope. Ended up sitting around for three hours, while he ran around applying aloe to his naked body, packing his bags, finishing his laundry.... Instead of sunset... Matt and I ended up struggling at 1am, in the dark, on the hilltop, in the cold... It was crazy. Luckily, a really nice neighbor let us borrow his sunlamp for awhile - and we managed to get our camp set up....

Friday morning - Matt and I headed straight to a workshop called Wake Up Singing! 50 people, dancing and laughing and yoga-ing together... Nothing more liberating than singing loudly and dancing next to a bunch of crazy strangers who feel like family..... As for the night... all my nights just blur together.... Ummm, Friday night, we danced until 1am, headed back to the tent - Met this guy from Torrence who owns a jungle... He bought 10,000 crickets, dumped them on his land, so he can sleep to the sound of crickets at night - The guy was intense, high on something, offered Matt pot-brownies, kept lighting sage in our tent... I remember passing out - I remember Matthew dancing...

Saturday morning, the weather was perfect - It was the kind of day you spend hanging out with your neighbors - Which is exactly what we did...! Eventually we wandered down the hill, and rode Ferris wheel together - Hit up the amazing gallery show they had going - Beats Antique played - I went to dance around the ArtCar until 3am, Sharonda went to dance around Red Lightning Camp until 3am, Matt and Wamuhu went dancing at the Art Gallery... Matt stumbled in around 8am, looking exhausted but happy...

Sunday morning - I could not even *think* about dancing... My body hurt from days of movement, sleeping on the ground, lack of protein. Decided to check out some of the workshops instead...  Conscious Breathing class was neat. Never realized how calming it is to simply breathe within a group of people. The website is neat, because you can see where people are logged in, to breathe, all over the world. Also attended a Chinese Healing Herb class that was jam packed with amazing information... Later that evening, I saw Lynx perform and yet again, I was dancing like a maniac. Ended up watching this band at the Lumi Cafe ... Not sure what their name was..... But they were ridiculous live. Meditated in the Temple of Consciousness that night.... fell in and out of sleep surrounded by beautifully peaceful hippies.....

The festival was amazing - It balanced Burning Man, with yoga, with dancing and music, and an atmosphere that just blew me away... I am already making plans to attend next year.... The sunsets on that lake are unbelievable...

Phx has been fun!

Hit up craigslist for camping equipment today.... Found a nice Kelty 10x10 tent, two sleeping bags for $60 total.... The guy had a TON of gear - He informed me that he organizes camping trips for recovering drug addicts/alcoholics "..And when those motha-fuckers relapse, (they always do).... I sell their shit!"... He looked like a bad alcholic himself, bad skin, saggy cheeks.... Regardless of the situation, I am grateful to have some quality camping stuff this week - We need it for the festival and our trip to Sequoia next week...


Talked to Matt for a bit..... He has been tanning on Venice beach all week.... burnt himself red like a lobster...Eccentric with the Aloe Vera - He has been drinking it, soaking in it, drenching himself with it... Hoping it works in the next 24 hours, because LIB is all outdoors in the sun....


Check Engine Light came on in the Mustang two days ago.... Haven't had any trouble so far - hoping it can hang in there for a week or so.... I don't have any time to get it looked at until Monday.

Roadtrip to Cali (with Matthew!)

Matthew - "Bad news: My waiter job in Syracuse stressed me out so much.... I got demoted to Bus-Boy - I quit! I saved up $2000! Lets go on a trip! Where should we go?"

First thought was my aunt's cheese farm in Vermont (I REALLY want to go work up there this summer and make some badass Brie with my family.... working on a farm sounds really rewarding).... But Matt decided on Joshua Tree Music Festival, "Rubblebucket is playing. I want to be there." - But, "It is only six days away! There is no way I can make Joshua Tree work - Stay a week after the festival, I will meet you in LA..... there is this other festival I have been dying to check out... Type  Lightning in a Bottle into your browser and call me back."

Lightning in a Bottle! Ahhhh! I've been trying to go for the past two years! Ever since I saw Lucient Dossier perform at Coachella, I have been hooked - This festival is everything I love about life... Great people, inspiring art, yoga, educational workshops, camping, amazing music, performances - It is run by a small Burner community... It feels like Burning Man. You bring your garbage in, you trek it out.



So Matt calls me and is like, "OH MY GOD! Lets get tickets!" - So we did. Four day festival tickets, in fact.... Gonna be a great weekend!

Matt is currently in LA, staying with some friends he made at Joshua Tree last year. Called me the day he flew into LA, 4am in the morning... He was lost. Stuck on a bus somewhere, he had no idea where he was - Haven't talked to him since. Hoping things have gotten better. Sunday afternoon, I leave for Las Cruces, Monday I drive into Phx to shoot for a few days, Thursday I pick Matthew up and we head into LIB. Following Monday, we leave for a four day camping trip in Sequoia National Park/Kings Canyon - Then Matt is planning on flying out of LA and then I have a Crap-ton of modeling work for LA. I will be working my ass off that week! I have two 8 hour shoot dates set and a bunch of 2-3 hour jobs scattered around town.

End of an Era: Ode to the Mustang

My first car was a cute 1996 Firebird. Drove it everywhere! Bucket seats, big windows - But by the time I turned 20, the Firebird was costing me far more in repairs, than it was actually worth - That is when Mom talked me into buying a used 2000 Oldsmobile SUV - "Unlike your last car, this one will be safe, reliable. SUV's are great for NY state winters" - Not entirely sure why I agreed to buy it... never liked it. Behind the wheel, I felt like a 50 year old mechanic, with bad breath, dirty fingernails and soggy shoes....

A year passed - By 2005, I was regularly traveling to NYC for modeling work - After a particularly profitable trip to NYC, I was driving my OldManCar and I passed a Used Car Lot - There, glittering in the sun, inviting as a warm black stone, was a beautiful black mustang convertible.... The car looked like happiness. It looked like freedom. It looked like an Adventure. I pulled over, asked the owner if I could take it for a test drive, he said, "Go ahead"... So I did. When I got back, I called my mom at work and told her, "I am trading my SUV for a Mustang Convertible."..... I cannot explain to you, how upset she was - I cannot explain to you, how badly I needed to own that car....

The mustang was the #1 reason that I decided to model around the US - Without that mustang, I would not have been inspired to drive 100,000 miles in three years - I yearned to put the top down, blasting my favorite album, traveling up Highway 1..... We went to 47 states together - Camped in over 40 National Parks - She survived a mudslide in Utah - Drove the mountains of Colorado - Slept in both high/low deserts - Provided entertainment for both me and my best friend. Managed Highway 1 (twice) - Survived a Mormon Parade - Had a homeless man with terminal cancer help change her tire - Saw most of southern Canada, including Banff and Jasper - She took a virgin trip to Burning Man (how she didn't die there, blows my mind) ....... Last year, she helped me move all the way from Cleveland Ohio to Austin TX.....

That car was my dream car - With the top down, I felt like I could go anywhere and everything would be OK - Losing her, is the end of an era for me..... Tomorrow she will be sent to a junk yard to be parted-out and..... well... it... feels like my childish dreams are also being parted-out with her... it sucks

But I need to face it - Her body has rusted out completely - Break lines have busted for the third time now. She has two temporary plugs in her oil well, both which have been leaking. Both of the seatbelts do not work. There are no airbags. The car keeps overheating. Airconditioning is gone. The trunk doesn't open. Windshield is cracked. The transmission is months from being blown.... The guy who fixed it last referred to my mustang as a "death trap".... And while the Mustang lasted two years after his prophecy, these last few months, his words began to ring true....

My Ode to the Mustang: I love you much.... thanks for holding out so long...

Corwin in Austin....

Corwin Prescott and his lady, VauntD, crashed on my futon last week. Love it when they come to visit Pat and I - They always feel like family to me. Here are the top three reasons I like them at my place: #1, They know how to play a mean game of Apples to Apples with Alcholic Whipped Cream. #2, They know where all the amazing food is located (although, I still think that Beef Intestine Soup sounds like a poor choice over Veggie Tacos). #3, They travel with the *cutest* Pug-dog in the entire world - His name is Franco (aka Bacon) ..... Franco and Mom-dog became good buds....
(what you cannot see in this picture... is the real mystery....)

Corwin, VauntD, and I... visited one of my favorite places in Austin, a gorgeous remote pool twenty miles from my place - Even with ten people tanning on the beach, we managed to snap off a few naked photos, without anyone noticing us....

Last night they were in Austin, we visited the Jackalope and went out with a whole slew of people from ModelMayhem - Including Louise Black from Project Runway, ElleV, and a bunch of local photographers... it was a really good time.....

If you like Corwin's photos - Remember he is on a roadtrip around the US! He is always mentoring photographers or taking photos of models in return for some Roadtrip cash.... Look him up. His rates are fantastic and you will really enjoy working with him...