I's gots no internet this week...

Writing this from my Grandmother's house... either the weather in Central NY is affecting my Internet connection or the Cranberry juice I accidentally dumped all over my computer last week fried something important. Either way... there is no Internet - no way, no how.... 

 Wish I had something exciting to tell you about.... but when life is slow.....stories are slow. Hanging out with friends this week - trying to see everyone before I leave town. Still doing the bartending classes. Graduate Thursday night. I really enjoy making drinks.. if only I can remember the difference between a BayBreeze and SeaBreeze, life should be good..

Trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Pretty much, no matter what I do, I keep returning to the same two options over and over again - Cleveland (which I am leaning towards because it is full of love, warmth - yet snow, sleet, hail, ice, buses, big coats, living in a basement), Austin (warm weather, mustang, flipflops, outdoor bars to bartend... but lonely, on my own, starting over alone, always alone). 

What to do? What to do? What to do? I feel like I should just pick something different so I stop focusing on these only two options... The other day, Tracy told me that I am afraid of commitment. Personally, I do not believe that is true (yet here I am, dwelling on the idea... ) I don't know. Do you think I am afraid of commitment? I feel like my problem is less of a commitment thing... and more like a fear of living a life that is monotonous - Relationships become monotonous...... I also know that when I am in a relationship, I have a habit of forgetting everything that is important to me outside of said-relationship... including dreams, people, life, friends, freetime. I do it often and it makes me sad. It is hard to keep both a relationship with someone you love in one hand and then everything that you have aspired to do in the other.. especially when it involves traveling and moving around - I guess in the perfect world, you would be able to combine the two but like most circumstances, including mine.... That is just not possible. What am I going to do if I move to Cleveland? Buy a sunlamp? I feel like getting rid of the blog. I feel like I am letting people down - so many depressing emails about what I should do with my life... Guess I should get going, need to go pick Matt up before heading off to class. Hope you are all doing well.

Keeper of the Car-Keys

Today I got pulled over by this cop who was rather stuffy looking. "License and registration, Miss?"... Scribble scribble scribble. "Know why I pulled you over?" I shake my head, "No sir, I do not." "You were doing 84 in a 65..." Scribble scribble. And then he leans over my windshield and goes, "Awww Miss, please do NOT tell me that THAT is your inspection sticker...." He pulled down his glasses and made this scrunched up look .... "It is from 2005!!! "

And so it goes....Finally dropped my car off for the NY State inspection.

And of course, they called me a few hours ago asking for the ransom that

shall have to relinquish. $885 worth of repairs and three days without my car. *ka-pow* Take that!

Went for a long walk last night and it felt like I was the only person alive. It was so quiet, like someone just pressed the pause button. Sometimes I feel old... I feel young too - all at once. Like a ghost.... In fact, sometimes I feel more like a ghost than a person, but that heartbeat in my ears starts fluttering - reminding me that I must be alive - at least a little bit. Strolled by my old place. Took my shoes off and walked around on my old lawn, I would have worried about the people inside the house, but everything was on Pause anyways, so it did not bother me much. Kept thinking about all the dead animals buried in that old backyard, mostly gerbils and small mice. Used to be desperately afraid that my pets would come back as zombie rodents and try to get back into the house through the wall under my bed. I probably thought that because I watched Pet Cemetery too often when my mom was not home...

Words.

I love words. This morning, after re-reading a few of my previous posts, I decided that I need to work on broadening my vocabulary away from "awesome," "lovely,".... Perhaps search for some new compelling new rhetoric wrap around my vocal cords.. words like, "factitious" or "unbeknownst" or perhaps "erroneous zonas"... 

Since I am no longer spending three hours a day on MM, I have made a New Years Resolution to browse my Thesaurus for at least 30 minutes a day... Lets hope that in the next few months, I can do you better than, "awesome" eh? 

  While I was in Cleveland last week, I wrote this great long blog entry about all the things happening out there.... my feelings..... personal stuff like that. About six paragraphs in... my computer crashed.... Guess what you need to know is that I fucking miss my ex-boyfriend... I miss him. I miss his fuzzy face. I miss the way that we fit into bed together... I miss stupid things like how he reads his comics that I cannot figure out why they are funny but he laughs and it is cute. And all our personal jokes that no one outside us would understand. And how he has these huge arms that can wrap around me almost twice.... How he fills this emotional void with invisible arms that can wrap around that void.... like twice.... He is one of my best friends. Even now.... I miss him so much when he is not around. 

Should I persue life in Cleveland for the winter - or move down to Austin to start a new life and hope he follows sometime? 
I just do not know. I want both my ex and I want Austin - together.. I promise I will not turn this into some kind of gushing girly-blog. 

Managed to get some things done this week - like tomorrow I will be starting bartending classes here in Syracuse.... 5-10:30pm, four days a week.... all made possible by NYS Educational Department. Planning on starting a DeviantArt page to cope with the loss of my ModelMayhem site.... While I do not need to model, I do need art in my life.

Oct 10th - The Day I Ran from Modeling

... The day that I ran away from modeling" - Woke up yesterday and could not imagine another day of running around NYC - I know that it is irresponsible but I canceled all my shoots for the week and jumped on a train to Penn Station. I called my modeling friend, Model T, asked if it would be OK if I stay at her house for a few days in PA. She got all giddy over the phone. I arrived in PA twenty-four hours ago. Model T is a slightly a pinup model. She is also a mom to a teenager. I think she senses that I am having a hard time. We spent the evening  baking homemade cookies and listening to her sister put on this incredible piano recital in the basement. Her sister just finished her Masters in composing. I feel like I am in a better place here. I wish that I could stay longer.

Gave T half my wardrobe this morning .... Canceled my ModelMayhem account a few hours ago.... I am unsure what I am doing - but I need to change my life.... I do not want to model anymore. Maybe I can just take a break for a year or two?? I mean, I love my job when I love it. I just do not love it right now. Does that make sense? Feel like I have lost a lot of myself.... sometimes I do not respond to my real name anymore. I am not London, London is a fictional character that I created. Particularly, the past few months have really been hard on me..... Instead of enjoying my work, I have felt forced into it...... I want to love my job again - but right now, I do not.... it is just that simple. 

If I can get my head straight again... Definitely try to make my Europe trip happen... I am set on that. Even if I only manage a little part of Europe, I will be happy.... In the meantime, wish me luck with whatever hell comes next.... ... because I sure as hell do not know...... Today I head to Cleveland, I want to go home for Halloween... .. and then I am dead-set on a roomate and an apartment in Austin....

RailRoad Lines

Staying at Model T's place (photo on right) in Pottstown PA was very pleasant. While sadly, she spent most of her time working her 40-hour.... I, in turn, spent most of my time hanging out with her son, Patrick. Patrick has a culinary arts degree, is just about my age, works as a line chef at a local restaurant called the Icehouse... Something about him reminds me of my friend Jason back home.... it is all around the eyes....

Patrick and I did sushi at this great hole-in-the-wall place and he explained to me just how they fry-icecream (for those of you who guessed frozen icecream and cornflakes, congrats!)... hung out with a 6-pack each later that night, talking about how much it sucks being lonely... cause it really... does...suck...being lonely. We traded stories for awhile. His story followed something along the line of "Meet girl of dreams, fall deeply in love, find out she is married a month later..." Him and I both agree that married people are untouchable. They bring un-to you - bad karma in all other relationships......

Days later - left my car in PA, jumped the train to NYC - two backpacks, a laptop, a schedule, and some hope that things will just magically fall into place. Not gonna lie, I was definitely worried for awhile - Not only was I stuck at the train station in Hicksville for four hours, nibbling on cold pizza, watching it downpour outside - wishing, that for just a minute or two, that I could have my car back... But I had two major cancellations, no place lined up to sleep all weekend, a battery-dead laptop, an empty ipod. I sat there.... swinging my feet for a few hours.... waiting for Kim's shoot to end, trying to strike up conversation with strangers who would have no part in conversing..... It actually got to the point where I began contemplating whether or not it would be worth just getting back on the train and heading home.... sometimes, things just do not feel right....

But it has since worked out pretty nicely.

Kim did pick me up after her shoot - and we have been having a good time out in Long Island... I love working with another model because shoots stay on track, everything goes by faster..... Oooh and as for a place to crash, as I was getting off the subway train tonight.... It just hit me!!!!! I do fucking know someone in the city! My friend Fritz moved out here last month!!! While we do not talk all that often, he is a really good friend of mine - not sure if you have friends like that. Friends where you do not need to talk to them every month but you will be friends for life, just because you are. Not sure how to describe our relationship - he is someone I love, someone that I am horribly attracted to, someone I have great chemistry with. But is also someone that I could never-in-my-life date - we both laugh about it all the time.... He demands too much, I am too free willed - you do not know how impossible we are. Regardless of all that, though.... He is exactly the type of guy where I could call him any hour of the night (which I did).... and tell him that I am in the city, minutes away, and need a place to crash (which I did).... and be sitting on his couch, shooting the shit, an hour later (which I am)... - And it is simply nice. That is what it is.

Tomorrow is Brian Diaz's place: a photographer, friend, a moderator on MM (ooooh, the man and the myth....) Shoots start at 8am, so I need to get crashing... like right about three hours ago... : )

Sometimes...

..... I wonder.....