FiveNakedModels in LA

Looks like I am going to be in Los Angeles the exact same time that all Five Naked Models (Isobel, Carlotta, Fedora, Samantha, and Malloy) will be in California.. Whoooo!! While this trip is surely going to suck for money making (too much competition in one area, means much less cash) - I will say..... I am super excited about some hang out time. Haven't seen Isobel since April, when she flew into Vegas and we roadtripped to Coachella. Afterwards, we holed up at her friend Josh's place in Hollywood, both sick with the flu, sharing cold medicine for days - Haven't seen Fedora since June, when I returned from my Alaskan cruise and she was running around half naked, having some kind of sexy punkrock shootout at her place ... Both, Carlotta and Malloy, I do not know very well but there is always time..... Update: It also looks like Carly Erin, Angela Ryan. Engle Schrei (I seriously love this girl) - just keeps getting better!!

Those we think of during the Holidays: Dad

Two weeks after I turned 18..... My dad tumbled down a flight of stairs, busted his head up pretty badly, fell into a coma before the medics even arrived on the scene. He was flown to a trauma unit in the state of PA, about 5 hours from where our family was living at the time.

Four sleepless days and nights in a trauma ward. Watching priests come and go, praying over my father's motionless body, wondering if all the machines Dad was hooked up to were keeping him alive or if he was powering them with body heat. My younger brother and I spent most of our time, tucked away in the backseat of my uncle's mini-van, discussing how ridiculous PA was and how Dad could just not possibly die... just could not happen... in fact, we should just go home....

So much more to this story: Sharing my hotel bed with my mother, listening to her sob throughout the night (she has always been so strong). Analyzing my relationship with my father vs losing him altogether. At 18, having that crushing feeling.... that nothing is ever really under control... ever. Anything you love.... is free to leave at any time, without your consent. I was the one who answered the stupid plastic hotel phone - Had to break the news to my mom that her husband.... my father.... was completely braindead - no brain activity at all - zero. To this day, I still believe that the nurse thought that I was Mom...

This time of year is hard for me. I always wonder where I would be in my life, if he was still part of the household... Would I have finished school? Would I have ever got a chance to travel and model the way that I have? I remember once when I was 17, my father showed up at a hot-tub party in the woods. He was so pissed I was wearing nothing but a bikini, he pulled me out of the tub by the hair.... I wonder if my younger brother would have kept playing soccer, if Mom would have bought the porch swing she wanted, if dad's best friend would not have drank himself to death..... I wonder if things would have been better or if they would have been worse? Or maybe everything is just relative in the end? I really do not know - All I do know is that Christmas was Dad's favorite holiday.... and like many of you, I miss family that cannot be around this time of year....

Creeps me out when people mention that loved ones 'are always with you' or that 'they are watching you from another place'.... I enjoy solid things. I enjoy that my father was a Donor..... Disconnected from life support, his organs were donated to people all over the US. He gave life through death. Dad's heart went to a 40-year old man in Hersey PA with three young children, who used to write us from time to time. It is amazing to know that somewhere out there, a man who would have died of congestive heart failure, is spending Christmas with people who love him - All because someone gave the most unselfish gift possible...

Kicked out of Goodwill?

Few days ago I found myself trekking the back roads of Cleveland, exploring new routes to my apartment - Had just finished up with a two hour cardio session at my gym (a gym which seems to support the idea that everyone needs to discover Bikram yoga while running on treadmills).... and lo and behold! A Goodwill! (Oh how I love second-hand stores!) Whoo! So I pulled over, got out, and then realized that I was wearing nothing but a tiny white t-shirt, black spandex pants, and a pair of black stiletto boots from my backseat. But you know what? I did not care. I was all excited about shopping!!! So I walked in, started going through bins and tearing through racks, doing my thing. It was about then that I realized that all the Goodwill workers were all guys..... and all of them were staring at my ass. Ha. And mean, like staring.... and discussing... and staring... I felt like I was in one of those hidden camera shows or something. I mean, yes my ass is big and yes, it is super shiny in spandex, but this was just ridiculous..... I attempted to just keep shopping... but then felt this tap on my shoulder.... And when I turned around there was this lady-manager, arms crossed, looking like a mom and goes, "I think you better come back here when you can find some more suitable clothing...." And I was like, "You mean, you are kicking me out?" and she said, "Yep - nothin personal, just cannot have you walkin around dressed like that...." Haha.... And so it goes - I was kicked out of Goodwill. Guess Goodwill's goodwill only stretches so far, eh? (and yes, I know that Little Kitty has nothing to do with Goodwill or Spandex... but I miss him. Going back to Syracuse on the 22nd.... ! Whoo!)

Dallas/Puppies/Jade Vixen

I am in Dallas. Dave has this crazy habit of shooting several girls all in the same day..... Not sure if he enjoys the company or if he just loves watching multiple girls running around throwing clothes around, tackling eachother for makeup. There is always a minimum of three women booked (Today: Mallory, Jackie, and myself). I have met more models hanging out with Dave - than I ever met while I was traveling.

  Oooh - Last night, Dave bought Mallory a puppy! Isn't that exciting!? There was this big story about how he blamed himself for the loss of her and her boyfriend's last dog...... soooo last night... he bought them a new puppy! Should have been there. Dave called us while Mal and I were out running errands.... He told us Santa was coming to visit - and her and I kept looking at eachother, praying that when we got back, Dave would not be all dressed up in some Santa Clause outfit.... Weren't we surprised when we returned to the hotel and there was this pure-white, huggable eight week old puppy running around our room..... Since the puppy was a girl, Dave, of course, bought all this matching hot-pink puppy gear to go with it. Ha. This beautiful girly puppy with her blindingly pink collar.... still does not have a name. 

On a completely different note, it must be mentioned: Miss Jade Vixen, a model/dominatrix out of Philly was recently held up at gunpoint by some insane Follower/Fan. Forced to watch her boyfriend die, she was then abducted, molested, and was left to plead for her life - Ugh. Hearing things like this makes me sick. You need to understand that the Internet modeling community is a very tight community... where everyone knows everyone's business. Creeps are weeded out of the system eventually.....Obviously the fact that she Dommed is a large variable in the story, but she was also a very respected model in both the fetish and the art community... This situation hits a little too close to home. Like many models in the industry, I only know her by name and her work. But I cannot even imagine what she is going through.

Houston - Messygirl

For the first time in a very long time - I feel unsettled about traveling. It is odd, this feeling - Worrying about things that never bothered me before. Keep thinking that if I stay away from Ohio too long... My life in Cleveland will fall apart. That the dog won't be there or my side of the bed won't be there or that Pat will wander away or that his feelings will have changed for me - or worse, we will have that weird traveling-relationship that is not a real relationship - but a relationship on a schedule. I really do not want to go back to that... Mentioned to him tonight that if I worry too much, I am going to give myself that weird wrinkle in the middle of my forehead - the wrinkle that looks like a butt.... He says I am already a butthead - I washed my face in the shower with his butt-washcloth the other day.... ohhh ewww.... Really! Someone should label those things!

Houston is nice as usual. Weather in the 70s. Spent the last two hours hanging out with Darrell in the hottub.... jumping back and forth from the cold pool to the heated pool, singing songs underwater, making him guess what they were.... He says he could have guess Green Acres, but with all the water I kept choking on - was too difficult.

Been working with Darrell, since forever.... Houston was the very first city that I ever flew to - on a ticket - booked by someone else - specifically for modeling....

Ha. Well no. Not modeling.
I do not think that I would ever
consider Messygirl a modeling-job....
It is a messy job....

....It is a lot of fun, and I enjoy it more than any of my other fetish work. Obviously if you are not into women being completely covered in sugary-slush, it would not be your thing.... But you should have respect for it. I mean, my normal day consists of: Wake up at 10am to pie crust being baked, by 11am there is a table full of cool whipped pies, by noon I am usually covered and running around as a pie monster trying to fling coolwhip at Darrell, by 1pm I am showered, clean, and my hair smells like chocolate cake batter... I spend the rest of my day hanging out around the pool, reading books or working with friends and site-seeing. It is hardly a life to complain about (if I do ever get a butt in my forehead from worrying, you can tell me I am a total-lame-o..)

Got hooked up with Messygirl in 2005, because a photographer in NY shot some really cute, girly photos of me eating jelly donuts and getting all messy with them (photos are attached to this blog). Both the photographer and myself shot the photos for free... so I asked for equal rights. He said Yes. I asked him if I could locate an outlet to sell the images to - could I? He said Yes. So I sold them to Messygirl. Darrell and Leah thought I would be a good addition to the site. They flew me down here - and I have been flying down here, twice a year - ever since. It is nice, because we have history and I feel a bit like family now.....

Here till Friday, then visiting Dave in Dallas for awhile. Dave is another one of the photographers that I work with - whom I feel is more like family and less like work.

Back home (...refering to Cleveland as home from now on) December 9th, 5:30pm. - Whoot!

"I read this and thought of your travels...." - Tom

“There’s nothing to life but the living of it…hold still man, regain your love of life and go down from this mountain and simply be-be-be the infinite fertilities of the one mind of infinity. make no comments, complaints, criticisms, appraisials, avowals, sayings, shooting stars of thought, just flow, flow, be you all, be your what it is, it is only what it always is…so shut up, live, travel, adventure, bless and don’t be sorry.” - Jack Kerouac

Happiness in the C L E

It was incredibly hard packing up my car to drive out here to Cleveland - half the problem being that Matt had stayed over the night before. Dressed in his nearly-new blazer, he spent most of the morning asking me not to leave town. You throw Matt, my tired second-guessing brain into a blender... and the piles of my life sitting in the livingroom - and it... well..it was difficult to get moving.

My head kept tap-dancing to Austin, "Go to Austin *clickity click*Austin." My heart kept telling me to go to Cleveland.... While Cleveland itself is not much to look at.... the city is not nearly as bad as I expected it to be. My ex works for a local concert venue so there is always live music and good times to be found.... There is a fancy place up the road that does a dollar burger night, a really delicious hooka bar, and a cinema that serves beer and shows foreign films all at the same time! 

Our apartment consists of is my ex, his friend from college, his girlfriend, and myself .... oh, and a dog named Jake - who everyone thought was male but actually turned out to be female... regardless of the mix up, Jake decided to keep her name anyways. 
Still looking for a bartending job - once I have one - I shall let everyone know - Stop emailing me about it. It will happen when it does.