Thursday, June 17, 2010

Killer Ostrich Tales

Van, sprawled out across his couch, exhausted..... Only to awake to his neighbor screaming, "VANNN - OPEN your fucking door!"  He threw open the door to find his very frightened neighbor, heaving, two grocery bags, gasping, "Man, there is a killer ostrich out there!  A GIANT BIRD!..."  Van looked at his neighbor through tired rimmed eyes.... We live in South Carolina, he thought, there are no giant birds here, buddy. Van politely said, "If there is a giant 'bird' in the front yard, just slip out my back door, jump the fence, the 'bird' will never see you.."  So the frightened neighbor did just that...with a sneak peek around the corner of the house, he hightailed it across the yard, over the fence, slammed his backdoor...

"Great...." Van thought as he turned back to his couch, "Double graveyard shift, finally, I can get some sleep."  Fifteen minutes later - "VANNNNN!!!! Open your door, VAN!"  This time the neighbor's wife was hooting and hollering about 'bird this' and 'bird that'!  "Ugh," Van sighed, "If this keeps up, I am going to have to call the police - They have to be on drugs or something"  Being polite, Van opened the door, let her in, and she collapsed on his feet, "THAT BIRD!  Did you SEE IT!  Nearly killed me...."  Van goes, "Yea yea yea, giant bird, I know..."

But then - BIRD INDEED!  A giant OSTRICH streaks across his lawn!... "What! The hell?" Rubs his eyes, rubs them again... but no.... definitely an ostrich running laps in front yard with a rope tied around his neck.... AND he was dragging the body of a very beat up, bloody, bruised neighbor.... ????

8am...Van grabs his keys, dashes for his car, starts pulling 70 to the police station... Along the way, he blows past a few stop signs, goes through a few red lights, looks in his rear view, police lights turn on.... *fuck*  Van pulls over.  "Sir, could you tell me what is so important that you are doing 70 in a 35?" "Tell the truth" Van thinks....  "Sir, I was actually heading to the police station - you see, there is a giant bird that is attacking all my neighbors and it has this rope around it's neck and it is pulling one of my neighbors behind it.. you could follow me back..."  The officer looks at Van's bloodshot eyes, looks at his slumped over shoulders... Van watches the officer's hand slowly move towards waistband, hovering over his gun, "Son, will you step out of the car.  Have you had anything to drink, taken any illegal drugs..."

Just then, Van sees the giant ostrich, angry, running full force down the road, straight at them...Van just leaps to safety behind his car - The cop, thinking that he is trying to get away, pulls out his gun and stands his ground in the middle of the road - Seconds later, the ostrich plows down the officer, leaving him dazed and confused, in the middle of the road.

"Believe me now?"

Officer blubbers for awhile..... calls for backup, they catch the runaway ostrich, the neighbor goes to the hospital - He tells the story like this...

Early in the morning, he had tied his fishing boat up to the dock - While working on getting all his ropes and nets untangled, his wife made him popcorn... Working on a very difficult knot, he heard something step up directly behind him - Turning around, he was face to face with a very mean popcorn-covered ostrich.  The ostrich went for his eyes.... so he grabbed his ropes and tried to strangle it.....  but it did not work, he failed, he got tangled-up in his own ropes and dragged for miles...

Hahaha... I just think this is the best story - A photographer, named Van, said that this happened to him when he lived in the Carolinas... I could not find photos of people being chased, so I included an amusing photo of a giraffe!

2 comments:

Mr. Devo said...

That is honestly one of the best stories Ive ever heard! Absolutely hilarious!

Guatemala Man said...

Hahaha, that does sound like something you could be tripping about. Wishing you lots of love, my friend :)