Writing this from my Grandmother's house... either the weather in Central NY is affecting my Internet connection or the Cranberry juice I accidentally dumped all over my computer last week fried something important in my hardrive. Either way... there is no Internet - no way, no how....
Trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Pretty much, no matter what I do, I keep returning to the same three options over and over again - Cleveland (which I am leaning towards because it is full of love, warmth - yet snow, sleet, hail, ice, no mustang, buses, big coats, runny noses, living in a basement), Austin (warm weather, mustang, flipflops, new people, outdoor bars to bartend... but lonely, on my own, starting over, may never see Pat, not sure if he would follow me), or Myrtle Beach with Matt (have to wait in Syracuse till after Christmas, snowsnowsnow in Syracuse, beach, mustang, free condo for six months, but temporary...) What to do? What to do? What to do? I feel like I should just pick something totally off my roster...
The other day, Tracy told me that I am afraid of commitment. Personally, I do not believe that is true (yet here I am, dwelling on the idea... ) I don't know. Do you think I am afraid of commitment? I feel like my problem is less of a commitment thing... and more like a fear of living a life that is monotonous, where I know what will happen every day - what they will say - what they will do. Relationships become monotonous...... I also know that when I am in a relationship, I have a habit of forgetting everything that is important to me outside of said-relationship... including dreams, people, life, friends, freetime... everything goes on hold. I do it often and it makes me sad. It is hard to keep both a relationship
with someone you love in one hand and then everything that you have aspired to do in the other.. especially when it involves traveling and moving around - I guess in the perfect world, you would be able to combine the two but like most circumstances, including mine.... That is just not possible.
Oh barf. So I was casually cavorting around town in the mustang the other day.... on my way back home to Mom's place in the woods... somehow got pulled over by this cop who was rather stuffy looking. "License and registration, Miss?"... Scribble scribble scribble. "Know why I pulled you over?" I shake my head, "No sir, I do not." "You were doing 84 in a 65..." Scribble scribble scribble. And then he leans over my windshield and goes, "Awww Miss, please do NOT tell me that THAT is your inspection sticker...." He pulled down his glasses and made this scrunched up look - like he was crapping in his pants.... "Please tell me that THAT is not your inspection sticker! It is from 2006!!! "
And so it goes....Finally dropped my car off for the NY State inspection.
And of course, they called me a few hours ago asking for the ransom that
shall have to relinquish in order to break my little car out of their car-prison....
.....$885 worth of repairs and three days without my car. *ka-pow* Take that!
Went for a long walk last night and it felt like I was the only person alive. It was so quiet, like someone just pressed the pause button the TV and yet I could still walk through the image - touching things, kicking dead leaves.... Sometimes I feel old... I feel young - all at once. Like a ghost.... In fact, sometimes I feel more like a ghost than a person, but that heartbeat in my ears starts fluttering - reminding me that I must be alive - at least a little bit. Strolled by my old place. Took my shoes off and walked around on my old lawn, I would have worried about the people inside the house, but everything was on Pause anyways, so it did not bother me much. Kept thinking about all the dead animals buried in that old backyard, mostly gerbils and small mice. Used to be desperately afraid that my pets would come back as zombie rodents and try to get back into the house through the wall under my bed. I probably thought that because I watched Pet Cemetery too often when my mom was not home...
I love words. This morning, after re-reading a few of my previous posts, I decided that I need to work on broadening my vocabulary away from "awesome," "lovely," and "wonderful." Also, due to recent events of cussing in front of small children, I need learn to censor myself in front of certian audiences, perhaps veer away from cussing completely?... *Fucking hell, every fucking thing that is fucking fun dies like a slut-motherfuckin-bitch cunt ass hoe lickin whore!*.... Perhaps search for some new compelling new rhetoric wrap around my vocal cords.. words like, "factitious" or "unbeknownst" or perhaps "erroneous zonas"...
While I was in Cleveland last week, I wrote this great long blog entry about all the things happening out there.... my feelings..... personal stuff like that. About six paragraphs in... my computer crashed, unleashing my delightful thoughts to wander the computer netherworld.... Guess what you need to know is that I fucking miss my boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, Patrick-friend that is oh-so-kissable... I miss him. I miss his fuzzy face. I miss the way that we fit into bed together... I miss stupid things like how he reads his comics that I cannot figure out why they are funny but he laughs like they were created to make you piss yourself. And all our personal jokes that no one outside us would understand. And how he has these huge arms that can wrap around me almost twice.... How he fills this emotional void with invisible arms that can wrap around that void.... like twice.... He is one of my best friends, regardless as to what happened.... I miss him so much when he is not around. So that leaves me with a conundrum... Persue life in Cleveland for the winter, wrapped up with Patrick - or move down to Austin to start a new life and hope he follows sometime?
I just do not know. I want both Austin and Patrick - together... rolled up like one of those yummy pigs-in-a-blanket thingies... mmm. But it is either a hotdog or a croissant... and neither is all that good without the other... you know? Oh god, what am I talking about? I promise I will not turn this into some kind of gushing girly-blog... or a recipe book.....
(PD! Hey! I got your package.... it was incredibly witty and thoughtful of you. : ) As long as you promise not to kidnap me or maim me or steal your shirt back... I would love to hang out sometime while I am in town.... lets count on it.... hate numbers, toss me your email, I wont post it... whoo!)
Staying at Model T's place (photo on right) in Pottstown PA was very pleasant. While sadly, she spent most of her time working her 40-hour.... I, in turn, spent most of my time hanging out with her son, Patrick. Patrick has a culinary arts degree, is just about my age, works as a line chef at a local restaurant called the Icehouse... Something about him reminds me of my friend Jason back home.... it is all around the eyes....
Days later - left my car in PA, jumped the train to NYC - two backpacks, a laptop, a schedule, and some hope that things will just magically fall into place. Not gonna lie, I was definitely worried for awhile - Not only was I stuck at the train station in Hicksville for four hours, nibbling on cold pizza, watching it downpour outside - wishing, that for just a minute or two, that I could have my car back... But I had two major cancellations, no place lined up to sleep all weekend, a battery-dead laptop, an empty ipod. I sat there.... swinging my feet for a few hours.... waiting for Kim's shoot to end, trying to strike up conversation with strangers who would have no part in conversing..... It actually got to the point where I began contemplating whether or not it would be worth just getting back on the train and heading home.... sometimes, things just do not feel right....
Kim did pick me up after her shoot - and we have been having a good time out in Long Island... I love working with another model because shoots stay on track, everything goes by faster..... Oooh and as for a place to crash, as I was getting off the subway train tonight.... It just hit me!!!!! I do fucking know someone in the city! My friend Fritz moved out here last month!!! While we do not talk all that often, he is a really good friend of mine - not sure if you have friends like that. Friends where you do not need to talk to them every month but you will be friends for life, just because you are. 
Not sure how to describe our relationship - he is someone I love, someone that I am horribly attracted to, someone I have great chemistry with. But is also someone that I could never-in-my-life date - we both laugh about it all the time.... He demands too much, I am too free willed - you do not know how impossible we are. Regardless of all that, though.... He is exactly the type of guy where I could call him any hour of the night (which I did).... and tell him that I am in the city, minutes away, and need a place to crash (which I did).... and be sitting on his couch, shooting the shit, an hour later (which I am)... - And it is simply nice. That is what it is.
